I had no idea of the fallout from leaving a narcissistic partner.
But possibly the biggest shock for me was the existence of flying monkeys. These are the people who are kind of a media outlet for your narcissist’s narrative. They promote the destructive narrative.
They don’t consider your narrative or have empathy for you.
They dismiss you.
Undermine you.
Judge you.
Accuse you.
And perhaps most painfully and head screwing-ly of all — they completely promote and justify the narrative of the twisted narcissist.
In my earlier days of leaving the relationship, their “hits” were as painful if not more than my ex-wife’s (aka the narcissist). I didn’t see them coming. I thought these were good, balanced, understanding, open minded, reasonable people who had my back.
How wrong I was.
Here some examples of the stinging comments;
“You were out of order to call the police after she attacked you — what were you thinking?”
“She only wants to stop you seeing the kids in term time” (wtf!).
“What on earth are you doing!”
“What’s the point in taking sides?” (with regard to my letting a “good friend” know that my ex had told me she would “destroy” my relationship with the kids if I left her).
“You are as bad as each other” (Er.. I haven’t used violence, I haven’t threatened her, tried to stop the children seeing her, told mutual friends that they mustn’t see me if they want to maintain a friendship with me, thrown away pictures of her with the kids, thrown away her books, told neighbours that I have attacked her…you get the gist why this comment was offensive….)
The point is — that if I hadn’t known about flying monkeys as an actual thing I think this would have sent me over the edge.
I was already filled with shame and self doubt. Confidence at rock bottom. A lifetime of wanting external validation. A lifetime of giving priority to other’s thoughts and opinions over my own.
So it’s hard. Being ostracized by a community you have been part of and invested in for 25 years (Before my ex wife had even arrived in the city). Taking the hit of people you thought you had a close relationship deserting you in the space of a day. The arrows of judgement, accusation, belittling and denial — coming in from every direction at a time when you are free falling already….
But…. the secret has always been — that what you think of yourself is so much more important than what others think of you. How true this is. How difficult sometimes to live in this truth.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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