Unlocking Lasting Happiness: The Top Trait for Predicting a Joyful Relationship

If you had the golden key to lasting relationship happiness, would you use it?

What if I told you you likely already had it within you? Think you know what I’m talking about? We shall see. (Insert impish grin here)

While effective communication and passion undoubtedly contribute to satisfied relationships, the true linchpin might be something more profound: an internal locus of control. That is, believing it’s in your power to affect your relationship happiness and having a sense of personal responsibility in your relationships coupled with avoiding a sense of victimhood. This potent combination serves as the cornerstone for fostering enduring joy in a partnership.

Here’s how it works:

A Positive Outlook

One of the foundational elements of an internal locus of control is maintaining a positive outlook about your relationship. This isn’t about wearing rose-colored glasses; it’s about genuinely finding the silver lining. Couples who possess this trait are adept at focusing on the positives in their bond, rather than fixating on shortcomings. Instead of letting external factors dictate their mood, they believe in their ability to shape their happiness. In essence, it’s about proactively steering the ship of emotions rather than being tossed about by the waves of circumstance.

Chad and Victoria dated semi-long distance for almost a year (they lived in the same town, but traffic meant an hour’s commute between the areas they each lived). They both are committed to making things work out for the best.

Chad felt like there may be real potential with Victoria, and while she is his first serious long-term relationship, he’s excited about the future he sees with her and wants to keep moving forward, so he asked Victoria to move in. It’s been a little bumpy but as Chad thinks Victoria is worth the adjustment, he’s willing and able to give it some space for things to settle. He has hope for their future together.

Taking Responsibility for Your Own Happiness

Partners with a strong internal locus of control recognize that their happiness is within their own hands. They resist the temptation to assign external factors — such as receiving a certain phone call or a specific event happening— as the sole determinants of their joy.

After a particularly fraught day at work, Chad knew he needed some alone time to chill and regroup, without trying to dance around someone else’s feelings. Of course, now that he lives with Victoria, this is more difficult than when he lived alone and naturally got a lot of solitude. Add to this, Victoria came into the relationship with an anxious attachment style, so Chad was trying to take steps to reassure her. He took great effort to explain that he’d had a rough day and needed two solid hours of uninterrupted time to just zone out and play video games and shake it off, but that this retreat behavior didn’t affect how he felt about her. And after that down time, he’d be able to be a better partner to her.

At first, Victoria catastrophized. Did this mean Chad was off her and no longer interested? Fortunately, she didn’t allow herself to get spun up or start thinking the worst and chose to trust Chad and take him at face value.

This proactive stance fosters a sense of agency, empowering each of them to contribute positively to the relationship (him, by communicating his needs and taking steps to reassure; her by trusting him and giving him the time and space he needs to recharge).

When both partners understand and embrace their role in creating their own happiness, it lays the foundation for a resilient and content partnership.

Awareness of Others

Emotional maturity is a key component of an internal locus of control. Individuals who possess this trait are keenly aware of how their mood influences their partner and others around them. In times of distress, they take deliberate steps to limit the reach and impact of their negative emotions. Simultaneously, they recognize that the responsibility for someone else’s mood rests with that person. This understanding prevents the toxic cycle of being dragged into another’s emotional turmoil and encourages a focus on personal well-being.

After Chad had decompressed from his work day, he came back and was extra appreciative of Victoria granting him the space he needed. He was able to be extra affectionate and attentive, which reassured her that he wasn’t tired of her and thinking of breaking up.

And because Victoria wanted to find something proactive to do while Chad was otherwise occupied, she began putting together a floral art installation piece for their dining room using faux greenery and flowers—and eventually launched a business stemming from this creative time.

Commitment to Understanding

In the pursuit of a happy relationship, a commitment to understanding one’s partner is paramount. This involves resisting the urge to jump to conclusions or assign and imbue meaning to their actions.

Famed relationship author Esther Perel has great insight into what she calls Negative Attribution Theory, which is a close relative of character assassination. (She has a wonderful interview on this. Go watch!)
To paraphrase, we tend to give ourselves great leeway when we mess up, citing it as a one-off or circumstantial event, but can assume the worst in the people we love most, as if it’s a continual character flaw.

She gives this example:

If I’m running late it’s because I got stuck in traffic. If they arrive late, they’re not invested enough in the relationship and don’t prioritize our time together. Skip these types of fights by thinking about temporary and circumstantial explanations for your partner’s behavior as you do for your own, as often as you can.

By striving to comprehend the complexities of a partner’s character, couples with an internal locus of control cultivate an environment where trust, empathy, and effective communication can thrive.

The Chad and Victoria story is from two years ago, and Chad just told me things are going so smoothly between them that he’s planning to propose on New Year’s Eve.

In the grand scheme of relationship dynamics, an internal locus of control emerges as the keystone for happiness. This trait empowers individuals to shape their own joy, take responsibility for their emotions, and navigate the complexities of human connection with maturity and understanding. By prioritizing a sense of agency, couples can build a foundation that withstands the challenges and uncertainties of life, creating a relationship that flourishes with genuine happiness.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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