It can be so confusing for people to deal with a toxic person who displays covert narcissistic tendencies. As trauma survivors, many of us have gone into a “fawn” nervous system response when trying to navigate such relationships, working hard to please and appease.
What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
According to the NIH, 0 to 6.2% of people are diagnosed with NPD. Of those diagnosed, 50%–75% are male. The percentage is low because, in order to be diagnosed, someone with NPD has to admit there is something wrong within their thought and behavior patterns, which isn’t generally something they have capacity for.
Symptoms include an enormous need for admiration, disregard for others’ thoughts, feelings, and emotions, no tolerance for anything perceived as critical (even implied criticism), and an overwhelming sense of entitlement. The cause is unknown but likely involves a combination of genetic and environmental factors (hello, trauma and shame). These symptoms include both overt and covert sub-types.
Remember, a toxic person may exhibit some narcissistic traits — think of it like a spectrum. But healthy people have some traits too! An example of healthy narcissism would be, “I got the job promotion, and I’m proud of myself.”
What is Covert Narcissism?
So much has been written on the covert side of narcissism, as it truly feels like you are dealing with the proverbial “wolf in sheep’s clothing.” People with these characteristics can be so inviting, drawing you in with what feels like evolved compassionate energy. They can be very alluring, seemingly honest and forthright, engaging your senses on every level. We can attract covert narcissists (also called “fragile or vulnerable narcissism”) without realizing it until later, as they are eager to “see” us and love-bomb us with their false humility.
They can appear so honest and humble. They can be magnetic, flirtatious, and impressive.
On the surface.
Years ago, I introduced someone close to me to another friend, Julie. After Julie interacted with this person who supposedly loved me and seemed so amazing (we were still in the love-bombing phase), Julie and I had several conversations about that day. She finally said, “Honey, there isn’t anything beneath his eyes.”
I was stunned. Couldn’t she see how smart, funny, and captivating he was? Couldn’t she see how much he cared? As the years went on, I began slowly to see what she meant and to agree, especially as the love-bombing ended and the devaluing began.
Someone with covert narcissistic characteristics can be very challenging to see at first because they project fictitious goodness, and their goal is to draw you in as a source of supply.
And it’s a mirror. They are mirroring you back to yourself in the beginning love-bombing stage to draw you in, giving you what you need to think this person is wonderful because it’s a reflection of you and what you want from them in return.
Here are some signs to help us recognize when we are dealing with covert narcissism:
Self-centeredness is a trait in both covert and overt narcissism. When a person also withdraws, that makes it covert. In covert narcissism, they are struggling to convince the world they are wonderful. Of course, they don’t believe this deep down (shame), but on the surface, they are projecting how amazing they are and how others should underline this fact. When they get real-time feedback that doesn’t align with the grand image of themselves in their mind, it creates little narcissistic wounds that reinforce their shame story. This can push them into a withdraw and/or an “attack other” shame reaction. Reality and truth are the archenemies of someone with narcissistic characteristics, so withdrawing is a great solution to avoid the aforementioned wounding, giving the narcissist the chance to regroup, pretend it didn’t happen, come out swinging, and/or blame shift.
Someone with covert narcissistic characteristics may constantly complain about their life. No matter what it is, they turn it into drama and want you to comfort, agree with, or back them. They are often the victim in their story, portraying a false sense of humility while blame-shifting any wrongdoing.
Additionally, listening and attuned communication are not in their wheelhouse. Someone with covert narcissistic traits may expect you to listen for twenty minutes while they expound upon the terrible hardship they endured and how everyone else is at fault, all while they shine like a star or play the biggest victim in the scenario. When you start to speak, sharing something as is the way of conversation, their eyes glaze over and they become distracted by anything and everything, waiting for the moment to draw the focus back to themselves. If you dare to call them out on this, they are figuratively rubbing their hands together in glee because now they can flip the script. People with these characteristics are always looking for an “in” — a hint of vulnerability and shame so they can take advantage of the other person. When they see you calling them out — it’s brave and courageous of you to do that, by the way — they see an opportunity to discharge their own blame, shame, and hurt, and project it onto you.
Covert narcissistic behavior includes extreme hypersensitivity. It’s interesting to observe, as the person with covert characteristics will feel free to gaslight you or openly tell you what they perceive your faults to be, but when they are treated that way themselves, they may react with shame and anger towards you.
Hypersensitivity shows up because people with covert and overt narcissistic traits are especially sensitive to outside, negative criticism. Why? Because the foundation of narcissism is not stable — it’s a house built on sand.
So when the covert narcissist has failed to convince others of their own amazingness and they can’t bully, lie, or convince them, those narcissistic wounds get freshly injured, again and again. In essence, they can’t get others to see the excessively idealized self-image they view themselves with on the surface. Underneath is another story entirely, but toxic shame is too painful for them to access and potentially only happens during narcissistic collapse.
Thus, the person becomes more fragile because supply is low and not consistent. As they become more vulnerable and fragile, hypersensitivity to criticism increases. The narcissist’s inner critic voice, which already tells them they are no good and useless, causes them to feel a ton of toxic shame. Their sense of entitlement is high, yet the treatment they receive from the world is low. This imbalance between how they see themselves versus how others see and treat them creates somatic stress in the body, which is cognitive dissonance. They then become extremely hypersensitive to new sources of narcissistic injuries that remind them, “You aren’t that special.”
Coverts may be quick to jump to frustration, irritation, and grumpy behaviors, moods, and attitudes. You aren’t giving them what they want, after all, and, of course, it truly is all about them. Because they can’t listen when you talk, they lose track of what you are saying and get super-frustrated really quickly.
They may have just talked about themselves for the last 15 minutes, but if you talk for a minute about yourself, they go blank, look around, and start to dissociate. They will tune back in and realize they missed the last part of the conversation, and anger rises — not anger at themselves, but anger at you. They can’t track you. When the energy focuses on you as you are talking and off of them, it triggers their shame reaction (remember, shame is a primary emotion and a nervous system freeze) and shuts them down.
Suffice to say, people with covert narcissism traits are awful friends and partners.
True friends or partners communicate, care about you and how you feel, listen to you, offer support, etc. The list is long of beautiful features in a healthy relationship. A person with covert narcissism is incapable of feeling the emotion of empathy because they are self-abandoned, lacks the response of compassion to the other person, and is not able to communicate unless receiving supply. In their reality, it’s truly all about them: they are only focused on their own self and what they want in that moment. And what they want is to fill up their narcissistic supply, which, unfortunately, is impossible to do. That won’t stop them, however, from fulfilling the cycle of love-bombing, devaluation, and discard.
What are some Red Flags of Covert Narcissism?
- Does this person try to control things: what you are doing, how you spend your time?
- Do they withdraw self-centeredly when you need support or when you want to talk?
- Are they emotionally unavailable?
- Is everything about them and do they blame-shift?
- Do they justify their bad behavior and treatment of you with circular logic? Example: “I wouldn’t have done X if you hadn’t done Y.”
What To Do When You Spot Covert Narcissistic Characteristics
- Set a boundary and see how the person reacts. Boundaries are emotional self-care. Someone who is not toxic will accept your boundary as your right.
- Take care of yourself in all your ways and see how the person responds. Does the person imply directly or indirectly that you are neglecting them when you take care of yourself? For instance, what happens when you want to spend time with friends and not include that person?
- Notice what they get angry about and how they express their anger. Do they tell you they are angry and why? If they don’t, are they “punishing” you by making you responsible for their anger? What does that look like? Common covert punishments include the person being sullen, sarcastic, self-pitying, shaming, or blaming, or using gaslighting (psychological manipulation or abuse which causes you to doubt your own sanity, perceptions, or memories) or word salad (a mixture of words or phrases that is confused and difficult to understand, but will take the criticism focus and put it back on you). When I realized what Julie said was true about the covert narcissistic person in my life, my eyes opened, and I observed a lot of behavior that I called ‘silently simmering.’ Anger at not getting supply needs met will be just below the surface constantly.
- Listen to your gut and intuition! Our emotions come up somatically, that is, in the body, so our emotions are data from body to brain. Do you feel valued for yourself, loved because you are amazing, both when you are with and not with this person? If you don’t, perhaps re-examine the relationship from your side. You deserve healthy relationships and care!
- Examine your own pockets of toxic shame. If you grew up in any type of developmental trauma and haven’t examined it, those neural pathways were mapped at a young age. The ones that allow and promote you to accept abusive, toxic behavior are driven by the internalized shame we felt as a child in attachment wounding and abandonment.
As a Trauma Survivor, how can I navigate if there is covert narcissistic behavior in my life?
- Strengthen your support structure. If the covert narcissist’s modus operandi is to isolate you from friends and family who are safe (that’s always the caveat, because they love to surround you with flying monkeys), you will see the signs of narcissism in their suggestions and attitudes about the safe people you surround yourself with. Remember every person is giving us a ton of information through verbal and non-verbal communication. We just want to learn to pick up on it.
- Trust your gut again and again! Your emotions are unconscious, which means you can’t control them coming up in your body, but listening to and trusting your “gut” is literally like getting a detailed report on how you feel about someone else’s behavior.
- Self-Care! Reassessment of your self-care is necessary, as what worked for you last week may not be enough this week. What is in your best interests, what do you need, what parts of you are struggling, and how can you comfort them?
If you are struggling within a covert narcissistic dynamic, please consider coaching or therapy to help you navigate. Toxic behavior is relational trauma, and healing within the context of a relationship is needed.
You aren’t alone, and you matter.
Thanks for reading!
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© Jennifer Kindera LLC, 2024. All Rights Reserved.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Rod Long on Unsplash
