Unrequited Love and Addiction

It’s nearly the end of the cuffing season again, where love seems to be in the air for the so called “happy” couples, but for the rest of us unfortunate folks who either don’t have that special someone or worse have been heartbroken by the ones we love, it is a dreadful time.

I too was happy with my life, not too long ago. The reason you might ask, was this amazing girl I met online a couple of years ago on a dating app. Time flew by as we got to know each other,

As Andrew Garfield said about Emma Stone in one of his interviews- “She was like a shot of espresso, it’s like being bathed in sunlight, she was incredibly energetic and enthusiastic”. My ex was all this to me and much more. She was this amazing, radiant, confident, loving and supporting person. And those weren’t even the most interesting things about her. But above all she was my best friend. To me our bond was stronger than any I’ve had in my entire life.

Time flew by, we became closer, we went on trips together and had the best time together. As days passed my whole routine revolved around her, everyday I couldn’t wait to wake up to her call or hear what she had to tell me about her day. And she felt the same about me. But here’s where the problem started. She was never sure if she wanted a relationship with me, we did all the things couples did but it was all without any strings attached for her. And when we had this discussion we both agreed this might not go anywhere. But we’re only human, we crave physical and emotional intimacy. So every time we met, we would continue to do things that couples did, but I guess I got more attached to her than she ever did to me.

Then one day, my whole world came crashing down. She told me she met someone at a meditation retreat a few months ago and that they had been talking and she liked this person. I felt this empty pit in my stomach, like someone had kicked me so hard in my gut, my heart rate increased and I felt sick all of a sudden. A few days went by and then she decided to go meet him in person and when she told me, in that moment I knew I was going to lose her to him, this person that I thought the world of would be gone. And things would never be the same again between us. And yes, that is exactly what happened. She went to see him, stayed with him for a couple of weeks and although I thought I wouldn’t talk to her while she’s there with him, I gave in to my insecurities and I called her, only to see her in his house wearing his jacket and then she spoke the words “things are good between us, and you should move on…”. I was already shattered with everything that was going on in the past few days but this literally broke my soul.

Never in my life had I experienced such emotional pain. All these emotions rushed to my mind, the feeling that I lost both a chance at love but also my best friend to someone else in a matter of days. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t concentrate on basic tasks. It was worse at night, I would lay awake, when there are no distractions. I would lay sleepless, writhing in agony at these thoughts. I wanted to stop thinking about her but I just couldn’t and before I knew it my thoughts would turn to assumptions..”would they hold hands when they meet? I bet they’re kissing. Maybe they are going to hook up right when they meet. They probably skipped whatever they had planned and decided to spend the day in bed. We used to do that…”. In my mind I played out moments from our life together. Except my role is being played by someone else.

I tried reaching out to her a few times, but she just seemed colder each time, and would take hours to respond back. She had already asked me to stop talking to her for my own benefit as it wouldn’t help with my feelings. I was devastated, I couldn’t fathom how someone could change so much in such a short time. I tried to get answers from her to find some closure, but I kept getting new questions, it was an endless cycle and I annoyed her to the point she started ignoring my texts. This was a girl I spoke to every single day in the past two years, so you can imagine how it felt being ignored by her. And this was a different kind of craving. You know when you crave for someone not for their physical intimacy, but just for their presence.

I didn’t know what to do with my life, like an addict looking for that one more hit of crack I thought to myself “If only I could talk to her once and hear her voice”. And it really f*cking sucks — when you stop talking to someone that you used to talk to every single day, because all you want to do is text them and tell them everything that’s going on, but you can’t because they don’t want you anymore. Or wanting someone who doesn’t want you and someone who makes you feel like it’s so easy to walk away from you when you would do absolutely anything for them.

I looked for support from all the places I could find. I tried out therapy, support groups, even paid someone to do my spiritual healing. Yes I was this desperate to get help from anywhere I could. It definitely helped talking to people who were going through the same pain as me, it’s rather nice to see how people you’ve never met or interacted with in your life can come together to support you through this difficult time. I also went through countless articles, read self help books, listened to podcasts. Although there are tons of articles about how to improve relationships, but none of them gave me the answer to the question — “how do you forget the love you once had for someone?”

Finally after weeks of crying, questioning my purpose in life and trying to uplift my self I can say that it does get a little better. Not all the way, but just slightly better and keeps improving.

I had this epiphany one day — I always thought there was something romantic about having to fight for somebody to win them back, but as I sat there grieving for someone who was still alive I realized one day that there was nothing romantic about having to continuously try to convince someone to love you back. It’s very simple really, you can’t make anyone like you. It took me a while to realize this as my mind tried to fight away the dopamine addiction my ex gave me.

This going to sound like a very generic advice, but trust me when I say this, time is your ally. Like everything else in your life, this too shall pass. There will come a time when you will have had enough of this. It takes time, it’s definitely not easy, hell it’s one of the most difficult phases of my life I’ve ever gone through, but it does happen. It’s definitely very slow, you have to take it one day at a time. It may not seem like it right now, it may seem like it is this is worse than death itself, but think of it like a rite of passage. You have to get through this immense pain to come out stronger than ever, there simply isn’t any other way.

This part of your life is called finding yourself, if you get lost that’s ok, you’ll make your own path. This part is about you loving yourself so much, that you realize you’re the only one that can help yourself.

Also in order for it to work you need to focus on your future. Think about it, When your past is so present, how can there be a future, there can’t..you’re just stuck in the present with your past. So you have to work on yourself. If there is one valuable advice I can give you guys, it’s this — No one is coming to help you, they’ll be there to support you but it’s on you to get back up on your own. It’s definitely not going to be easy, people don’t realize how much strength it takes to pull yourself out of a dark place mentally. But you’re going to get there, once you do you’ll be proud of how far you’ve come along.

In order to move on, you have to first work on yourself, rebuild yourself into this fiercely independent person who would not depend on another human for your happiness, because once you start depending on others for happiness, that’s where this whole unhealthy codependency starts. And when that person leaves which happens most of the time, we are left to pick up the broken pieces of our heart.

And to be honest, my ex was never dishonest about her feelings towards me, so it would be wrong to blame her for any of this. And I’m grateful for that, most people have it worse than I did. I think that love happens when two people decide to take the leap. Not when one person jumps through hoops to convince the other person that they’re worthy. And I think it ended right when it needed to.

To all you beautiful heartbroken souls out there, you’re not a maybe, or an unsure decision, your not an option or a choice..you’re a hell fucking yes. If they were meant to be in your life, nothing in the world could make them leave. Through thick and thin they would’ve been by your side. If they weren’t meant to be in your life, nothing in the world could make them stay. So keep going, things will fall into place. So don’t give up, keep going and who knows, this may be your last heartbreak, last ex and the last time you deal with someone who isn’t sure about you.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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