Tor Constantino marks the anniversary of his vasectomy with a pithy poem in the tradition of Dr. Seuss—to be clear, Dr. Seuss did NOT perform the vasectomy.
~ Ode to a Vasectomy ~
There recently lived a young family of four—mom and dad loved their girls and wanted one more.
After trying and praying, they soon had a boy—this latest addition brought them all loads of joy.
The parents agreed their family’s size was just fine—so the parents agreed, “We should perhaps draw a line.”
But the line’s not a true line—it’s a metaphor you see, because the couple decided on a vasectomy.
And when I say “the couple” I of course mean the man, ‘cuz he’s the one for which vasectomy is planned.
Just for the record, to be clear as can be—the man whom I speak of happens to be me.
The quest was engaged, my fertile door would be shut—a Doctor was needed for this man’s final cut.
To find a great Doctor would indeed be the key—locate a great Doc of nether anatomy.
Referrals from close friends was all that it took—this dad found a great Doc to take a quick look.
Upon consultation a date we did make—the Doctor assured it’d be easy as cake.
Regardless, this dad searched out WebMD—to learn a bit more of my soon surgery.
While researching online this dad started to squirm—it seems razor-sharp scalpels help stop flowing sperm.
The web site did state male virility ends—with a quick gonad shave and snip of vas deferens.
Post-Op, the site urges resting flat on your back—and treat any swelling with a well-placed ice pack.
With all my WebMD knowledge I felt quite prepared—but knives near a groin give good reason to be scared.
Yet when the day did arrive I was ready for it—with my clean-shaven scrotum it was too late to quit.
When my surgeon did finish, it really wasn’t that bad—I guess I won’t “four-peat” as a brand-spanking new dad.
Let the banners unfurl and the trumpets sound out. Let the laurel leaves fall and chorale singers shout.
With the procedure complete, our family numbers quite right—and we’ve all since embarked on a future that’s bright.
The moral of this tale should be easy to see—that it’s really quite easy for a vasectomy.
(at least that’s what my wife still says)
—A pre-surgical version originally ran on The Daily ReTort