Language is the most powerful mental tool we humans possess. It shapes how we think, what we think, how we perceive others, and how we build our societies. When we are angry, frustrated, or shocked, it’s natural to shout out a few choice words as a way of expressing our feelings. But I think we should reflect on the deeper meaning of some of those words, because really they are like windows onto some deeply buried ideas and attitudes, which we need to bring out into the light and decide whether they still fit with the values and attitudes we want to hold as men in the 21st Century.
It feels like it’s overdue for us to phase out sexualised swearing. For generations, the default vocabulary for cursing in many languages has relied heavily on words for sexual actions and human body parts. But what does it say about our deepest feelings about the most vulnerable parts of ourselves when our most common expressions of hatred, stupidity, or worthlessness are linked to sex and the human body?
Profanity generally falls into three historic categories: the religious (blasphemy), the excretory (bodily wastes), and the sexual. For centuries, societies placed a heavy premium on purity, modesty and control over the human body. Because sexual organs and actions were meant to be kept hidden, the words associated with them were taboo, and could be used to shock an audience or break social rules.
But using these terms as weapons has a toxic side effect. It links the most intimate, vulnerable, and natural aspects of human life to ideas of filth, shame, and aggression. When we use a sexual act as an insult, we’re subconsciously reinforcing an old, puritanical idea that sex is dirty, degrading, or bad, and that doing it ‘to’ someone is on a parallel with hurting or demeaning them
Sex is a such a fundamental aspect of human connection, affection, pleasure, and life itself, all of which which rely on mutual consent, vulnerability, and respect. When we convert sexual terms into expletives, we twist this positive human experience into something aggressive. Using verbs for sexual intercourse to describe being cheated or treated badly (“I got screwed”); ruining a situation (“You f**ked it up”); or expressing anger or dismissal, perpetuates the horrible idea that sexual acts are something done to someone to dominate or diminish them, rather than a shared, respectful and enjoyable experience. This is not good.
Another reason to abandon sexualised swearing is its deep-seated sexism. For centuries, insults targeting female anatomy or sexual behavior have been used to demean and objectify women. When they’re used to describe someone weak, annoying, or untrustworthy, they carry the baggage of historical oppression, and reinforce the idea that female sexuality is inherently inferior, comical, weak or morally bad. Also not good!
Terms involving male anatomy are used in contradictory ways—sometimes to denote strength or courage, but just as often used to describe someone who is cruel or foolish By using these body parts as synonyms for negative human traits, we are keeping alive the view that gender and anatomy are shameful, rather than something which we ought to celebrate and revere.
Choosing to stop using sexual actions and body parts as swear words isn’t about being polite or prudish. In fact, it’s the opposite – reclaiming sex as a healthy, positive, and consensual part of life, and refusing to let it be used as a synonym for violence and failure. It is about respecting our bodies and what they can do, and ensuring that our language reflects that respect.
A common argument against changing our ‘bad’ language is that swearing is a natural, healthy emotional release; studies have shown it can actually reduce physical pain and help manage intense stress. But the idea isn’t to eliminate swearing; it’s to choose better words.
English and other languages have thousands of words which can convey anger, frustration, and disappointment without resorting to sexualised insults. Embracing old-school terms or inventing new, absurd phrases can relieve tension without contributing to a view of sex as something aggressive or disgusting
Here are a few that I’ve found work well: “Fork off!”; “Don’t be a can’t!”; “You’re such a tot!”.
Make up your own – it can lighten up a tense situation, and said with the right tone, I’ve found that they’re just as effective for letting off steam as those outdated swear words.
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