Emotions are some of the most useful tools in our treasure chest. They are what make us human.
Allowing us to empathize with others, to feel what lies within, our reactions to these sentiments are key to understanding better our relationship with others, as well as with ourselves.
For maximum benefit, it’s important to learn the proper utilization of these tools. And in doing so, we have the capacity to build bridges of communication, of compassion.
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A Matter of Recognition
Recognizing what is occurring inside of us is one of the first steps in determining how we cope. But even before finding coping mechanisms, we need to be able to clearly outline what’s happening in the background.
VeryWellMind’s article on Personality Psychology defines Emotional Intelligence as:
Emotional intelligence (EI) refers to the ability to perceive, control, and evaluate emotions. Some researchers suggest that emotional intelligence can be learned and strengthened, while others claim it’s an inborn characteristic.
The ability to express and control emotions is essential, but so is the ability to understand, interpret, and respond to the emotions of others. Imagine a world in which you could not understand when a friend was feeling sad or when a co-worker was angry. Psychologists refer to this ability as emotional intelligence, and some experts even suggest that it can be more important than IQ in your overall success in life.
Taking a deeper dive into the first three components of EI gives us a blueprint — a guide to help us better understand what we’re feeling.
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Everything Starts With Perception
The senses help us discover the world we live in. It is through them that our experiences take shape. Not only do sights and sounds play a vital role in daily activity, but so do intangible things: nonverbal signals, such as the vibe one feels when engaging with another being or the proximity of space during an encounter.
To understand emotions we must know how to perceive them. Doing so accurately is key because therein lies the reason for our reactions.
For example, in a disagreement with your significant other, you might interpret her laughter as ridicule — instead it could simply mean she found your comment funny. Nothing more, nothing less.
Perception has two faces: objective and subjective. In focusing on the former, we try to maintain an unbiased perspective of the situation. This could mean avoiding bringing up past arguments that are irrelevant to the current circumstance. Whereas with the latter, we allow our personal opinions to influence our reactions. Once we honestly discern our emotions, we are closer to evaluating and controlling them.
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The Value of Evaluation
It’s one thing to recognize our feelings, but evaluating them can be tricky. To do so through an impartial lens and with compassion on all sides is challenging — especially when we’re convinced there is only our version of a particular story.
When working out ways to gauge our emotions, it can help to avoid labeling them as simply “good” or “bad” since these automatically create a judgment mindset.
According to Finer Connections’ Relationship Blog, the following guide offers insight to connecting deeper with our feelings:
Explore your emotion: describe what you’re going through, give it more than one name. If it’s sadness, can you go deeper? Is it a mild type or more extreme? Do you feel like crying or might it be something than inflicts less pain? Is it a strong melancholy?
Getting specific with your emotions allows you to spend more time assessing what your body is experiencing. It provides an avenue to explore varying angles — mentally, physically, emotionally, perhaps even spiritually.
Understanding the why: Where does the sentiment come from? Is it a direct result of another person’s action (e.g., an argument with a lover, a friend’s text message, a comment from a family member)? Often, our reactions stem from past, similar experiences. In these cases, we make an association to an unrelated event, and in so doing, further complicate our feelings.
Analyze the regularity of it: Are these feelings recurring? Is it a particular scenario that causes the frequency to increase — for example, when you’re dealing with a particular colleague or relative? Examining how often you’re having a particular emotion can help you determine what action to take in addressing what you’re feeling.
Thoughts versus feelings: In realizing that these are two distinct matters, we begin to process them separately. That our thoughts impact our emotions is a given; however, by working to keep them apart we’re another step closer to creating a healthier understanding. For instance, when someone says “I’m not good enough,” they are likely expressing two different concepts. The initial statement is a thought. Behind that statement likely exist feelings of inadequacy and/or fear (among others).
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Mastering the Mind
Our emotions can take us in numerous directions. And at times, they lead us to make assumptions. For example, in a heated disagreement with our partner, we assume they intend to hurt us. This may be the case, but there’s also the possibility that we projected our feelings onto the situation.
On the flip, our significant other can misunderstand our words — further aggravating an already delicate discussion. Learning how to control our sentiments is crucial in improving emotional intelligence.
George Buzzell, a neurocognitive researcher at Florida International University, suggests ways to obtain mastery over our emotions. Starting with self-care, he “emphasizes the impact of sleep….it has been shown that a lack of sleep can impair self-regulation, meaning you may have less control over your responses to your emotions, which is why you’re snappy when you’re tired.”
In addition to self-care, Buzzell recommends maintaining healthy relationships:
….to regulate emotions by having a trusted friend or loved one to confide in, which is why you usually feel better after venting to a friend. Socializing can help to calm your mind and can even help regulate your body’s physical response to emotions. ..using social connections as much as possible, like phone calls, Zoom calls, or outdoor socially distant hangouts because they’re good for your mental health.
Another tip Buzzell offers is to practice reappraisal [instead of suppression]. Rather than conceal our emotions, we would change our vantage point. By turning a negative emotion into one with a positive response, we are building a healthier relationship within ourselves, and likely with those around us. An example would be when we’re angry with a spouse for leaving dirty dishes in the sink. Instead of yelling and arguing, you could calmly remind them why it bothers you. Try discussing the situation to hash out how you both feel about it and try to come up with a mutually agreeable solution.
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Battle Versus Acceptance
Finding harmony in our lives begins from an internal perspective. This is more than a cliché. To create improved communication with others, especially with our romantic partners, it is crucial to build a kinder, softer self-dialogue.
Think about the comment “I’m not going to change.” What images does it conjure? Perhaps you’ve even said it yourself. Here we’re not debating the validity of the statement — it can be completely true. But what we’re getting at is that in saying so, we’ve dismissed any possibility of an open dialogue.
The battle starts when our feelings give us a false sense that there is only one perspective. We must guard our position at all costs. And the danger lies in allowing the battle to potentially ruin our relationships.
On the flip side, when considering acceptance, we afford space for a different view. Instead of being rigid and continuing to fight, we can agree to accept certain matters. It’s important to understand that no one is suggesting you compromise your values and ideals — rather find ways for an amicable ending. Accepting something doesn’t always mean agreeing with it.
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The Win-Win Effect
Once we begin to more closely analyze our emotions, exploring ways to confront and honor them, we gain a clearer vision of how we operate. And in doing so, we are simultaneously expanding our sphere of consciousness.
By digging into our tool chest we find other uses for the diverse devices therein. We can begin to self-regulate our emotions, instead of simply being reactionary. By learning to empathize with our partners, we begin to nurture more compassion.
In this sense, all parties come out winning. There is no such thing as a perfect couple, nor a perfect person — but we can all strive to create healthier, more loving relationships.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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