Victims in Denial

One type you’ll see on the side of the road to reconciliation are the Deniers. You’ll see them, but they won’t see you. They’re blind, deaf, and insensible to touch. They only know what they want to know, what’s convenient to them, what fits in the worldview they feel they must have. If the evidence threatens their ideas, they discard the evidence. They are the deniers, who, although they are hurt by the ones they love, will never admit it.

You might have thought it’s only offenders who engage in denial. Well, they do it best. They’ll disavow everything if they can get away with it. They’ll have a million excuses why they must do the things they do. But, victims will engage in denial, too, if they can’t accept that they’ve been hurt, or want to avoid doing anything about it.

You might have done this in the first flush of love when the excitement of being in a new relationship was so great you missed all the red flags. If he had abusive language, you called it love talk. If he roughed you up, you thought it was affection. If he was insanely jealous, you thought he cared a lot about you. You could be excused from making that mistake the first time, before you saw how it all plays out, especially if you’ve been indoctrinated into believing it’s supposed to be that way. But, if you’re still believing it after he beats you up you, then you have slipped into the state of denial. Still believe it after he beats you up you again, and you’re a full-fledged citizen. Go on believing it after he goes after your children, and the people of denial will be ready to elect you president.

I want to distinguish between the Deniers and the Impossible Martyrs, who we will meet later. The Impossible Martyrs know they’re suffering. In fact, suffering is the point. They’re willing to endure temporary hardship for the sake of a meaningful long term gain. There is nothing wrong with that, so long as the gain really is meaningful, and they don’t become impossible to live with.

What could motivate someone to act against their own self-interests and deny to themselves the true knowledge that someone is hurting them? They simply do not like conflict. Generally, the offender is also in denial and they want to agree with her.

Denial can be tricky. There’s the most primitive kind, denial of fact, that we all can recognize when we have the facts. But, when denial of fact doesn’t cut it, denial retreats and hunkers down in a new position. There are six arguments denial can make before it must give up and admit the truth.

Denial of Fact

The first way is the most obvious. You simply don’t admit something happened. You got that black eye by falling on a doorknob. She was home by eleven o’clock. His gambling has not begun to eat into your savings. They’re just really good friends. You had a great childhood.

Similar to the denial of fact, is minimization; denying some facts, but not others. He only hit you once. She only parties like that now and then. He only bets on good horses. You’re fine as long as she doesn’t flaunt it. Your parents may have forgotten about you a few times, but they were great when they didn’t.

Minimization is misdirected. The bottom line is not how many times he hit you, how late she stays out, how much he bet on what horse, whether she has sex with that man or just prefers to spend time with him, rather than you, or how many times your parents forgot you. The real question is, can you trust? Facts don’t settle issues of trust. If you don’t trust someone, you don’t trust them. Why would you talk yourself into trusting them when you don’t trust them?

If the facts are on your side, then nothing beats denial of fact; why would you need any other method? But, if the facts contradict you, then denial of fact is a dangerous game. Facts are trying to tell you something, but you won’t listen.

If a Denier can’t get past the facts, then she has five more methods at her disposal.

Denial of Responsibility

When you use denial of responsibility, you admit the fact of the misdeed, but not the intention. You claim the person who hurt you was not a free agent. She did not have a will of her own.

He gave you that black eye, but you made him do it. Her friends kept buying her drinks. He’s a gambler because his father was a gambler. The man seduced her. You had a terrible childhood, but your parents did the best they could.

Yes, it’s important to see the context of your loved one’s hurtful actions. It’s essential for you to accept your share of responsibility. But, it’s not like they have no will of their own. You might have been mean to him, but he still made the decision to hit you. Just because they’re buying her drinks, it doesn’t mean she has to drink them. If he can’t afford to bet on the horses, he shouldn’t bet on them. No matter how seductive he was, unless it was rape, she still had a choice. No matter how frazzled your parents were, how hard was it count their children before they left on vacation?

Denial of Awareness

When you use denial of awareness, you’re saying the deed was out of your loved one’s conscious control. Something must have come over him when he hit you. She must have lost track of time. He gets triggered every time he passes an OTB. She has a passionate nature. If you didn’t want to be left home, you could have spoken up.

Denial of awareness just kicks the can down the road a little way. Even if it’s true they didn’t know what they were doing, they’re still responsible for not knowing what they’re doing. Even if you let them off the hook for what they do when they’re drunk, asleep, or unaware; they’re still responsible for being drunk, asleep, or unaware and they must accept the consequences that come with it.

Denial of Impact

In denial of impact, you are admitting the deed, but there was no injury or basis of complaint. It was a victimless crime. The tree fell in the forest, but it didn’t hit you.

It’s just a black eye; a little makeup will make it look better. It doesn’t matter that she didn’t come home; you were asleep anyway. You can always earn more money. Some people have an open marriage and they’re OK. You might have had a rotten childhood, but you turned out fine.

Have you carefully assessed the damage? Did you really estimate the hurt that was caused, or did you skim that chapter? Are there signs that the hurt has or will continue? Did you only look at the flip side, the positives, without noting the negatives?

The purpose of cutting through denial, in all its forms, yours, and his, is not to humiliate, or blame, or make your partner responsible for everything. The purpose is to see things clearly.

Denial of Pattern

Nothing just happens by itself. There’s always a context. No one goes from zero, directly to sixty, without going through all the steps between. There is always a pattern. You can be excused if you don’t know it; but are you willing to see it?

Patterns can be hard to distinguish if you’re not paying attention. Detecting a true pattern can be a tremendous benefit. It shows you how big the problem is, informs you of warning signs, and gives you a chance to get a jump on things. It lets you intervene on a problem before it gets too big. But, to detect a pattern, be open minded about what it might be.

When you see the pattern, you’ll know that after he hits you, he’ll be full of remorse and nice to you for a while; but after he starts to resent you, he’ll hit you again, worse. You’ll predict that every time she goes out with these friends, she won’t come home till morning, then she’ll be hung over the next day. You’ll realize that the worst thing that could happen would be for him to win at the races; he’ll use that to justify losing three times as much, afterwards.

You’ll recognize that she just does what she wants and never thinks about what it means to you. You’ll admit that your parents didn’t have a problem making promises, but they seldom followed through.

Denial of the Need for Help

He hit you, but he’s sorry and it taught him not to do it again. She got so sick last night she never wants to see another Peppermint Schnapps. He just needs to stay away from the betting parlor and he’ll be fine. She gave you access to her phone, so you can keep an eye on her. Your parents were awful, but now you’re grown.

It might be no one’s business what happened to you; but, if you agree to the facts, place responsibility and awareness where it belongs, see the impact and the pattern, but will let no one help you, you’re placing a bet you can handle it all by yourself. That’s great, if you can; maybe you will. But what exactly is on the line? Is his violence getting worse? Did she try to drive home drunk yet? Are the loan sharks looking for payment? Has she brought home a disease? Are you catching yourself acting like your parents did? Maybe you can deal with the consequences if you fail, but are you thinking about how it will affect others?

There are many kinds of help you may need: the police, a shrink, a marriage counselor, Al-Anon, a doctor, a lawyer, a trustworthy friend, clergy, or someone to stay with in an emergency. Your trouble is not everyone’s business, but some have businesses devoted to helping people like you.

So, there you have the six strategies deniers use to pull the wool over their own eyes. How about you? Have you blinded yourself from seeing what you need to see? Are you prepared to do something about it?

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Keith R Wilson is a mental health counselor in private practice and the author of The Road to Reconciliation: A Comprehensive Guide to Peace When Relationships Go Bad, from which this article is adapted.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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