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During my graduate coursework in sociology, I became increasingly interested in understanding violence and men’s experiences of victimization. So, for my dissertation research, I conducted life-history interviews with forty incarcerated men. What I found was startling. Out of forty participants, 95% reported neglect and 68% physical abuse in their childhood homes. Those I interviewed shared detailed and brutal histories of their victimization experiences as boys being raised in dysfunctional family systems. They were never provided with normative models for how to become prosocial men. Instead they were de-habilitated by their families and were socialized in environments where violence was a normative expectation.
These interviews were deeply impactful and transformed my mindset about men, victimization, and violence. Their life histories revealed that they were initially victims of violence. Yet their victimization remained invisible. They were never treated and thus, they developed into victims who victimized others.
I came to the conclusion that, in part, violence as a male-perpetrated phenomenon is due to toxic expectations of masculinity. As a society, we adultify boys and expect them to act tough and be protectors. Simultaneously, we tend to overlook boys as victims. Instead of providing opportunities for boys to talk about their traumatic experiences, we teach them to silence themselves and in turn, some act out in violent ways as they develop their masculinity.
During interviews, the silencing of men’s experiences of victimization became increasingly noticeable as they cried and shared that I was the first person with whom they had told of these memories. I began to wonder if this silencing of traumatic histories was a phenomenon only occurring among incarcerated men. I have learned that it is not. Among my college students and coaching clients, men frequently tell me that I am the first person they have told about their experiences of victimization. As young boys, they learned to ignore their trauma and minimize vulnerable emotions.
I have come to understand that men keep these experiences to themselves due to the masculine expectation that they be emotionally tough. In the interview setting, I believe that incarcerated men felt comfortable telling me their abuse histories because that was the intention of the interview and I provided them with non-judgmental space to share. When men outside of the prison setting discover that I have worked with and care about incarcerated men, they feel “safe” to tell me of their victimization experiences because they assume that I won’t negatively judge them. They report that if they were to tell their peers, families or partners, they would feel inadequate as men. Feeling inadequate as a man would trigger their shame. So they keep these feelings and experiences to themselves, putting on a masked performance.
This masked performance leads to various forms of male-based violence—sometimes against the
self, and sometimes against others. For example, men are highest risk group for committing suicide (American Psychological Association), they exhibit symptoms of depression which often go unrecognized and unreported (see Terry Real-I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression), and they are the primary perpetrators of violence against other boys and men and girls and women (see Jackson Katz—Macho Paradox; Tough Guise—a documentary).
Ultimately, my research has led me to conclude that when men are overlooked as victims, it creates the potential to result in violence. I believe that one critical step in reducing the social problem of violence is to acknowledge that the current structure of masculinity damages everyone. When we expect boys and men to be myopically emotional—only expressing feelings along the spectrum of anger, aggression, rage, and violence—the result is depression, elevated rates of suicide, intimate partner violence, substance addiction, sexual assault, and the list goes on and on. All people in society end up suffering.
To alleviate violence we need to deconstruct this toxic version of masculinity and balance our perspectives acknowledging the invisibility of boys and men as victims. Some, like the incarcerated men I interviewed, have been victims of severe physical abuse. Others, like my male college students and coaching clients, have experienced less obvious versions of victimization like having been socialized to silence and numb their feelings in order to appear impenetrably tough. All of these experiences are damaging and reproduce toxic masculinity.
To deconstruct toxic masculinity, we must create a space for boys and men to be multi-dimensional human beings. Instead of expecting them to be perpetually tough, recognize that many are putting on a masked performance to align with masculine expectations. We need to view young boys as sensitive and caring human beings and allow for masculine vulnerability. We must advocate for boys and men to share their feelings and provide social approval when they articulate their experiences of victimization.
These are a few of the necessary and transformative steps in the attempt to deconstruct toxic masculinity, heal boys and men, and reduce violence against all people.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
