Brenda* was in love. A divorced mother of three, she had met this man at a club. She was fascinated by their conversations and loved his sexy singing voice and warm personality.
They dove into a passionate relationship.
She was head over heels in love.
Yet something was wrong. He’d come over often in the evenings and spend the night. But she never saw him in the day hours.
He never introduced her to his family and friends. He’d compartmentalized their relationship, and she realized the truth after a while.
He didn’t want a serious relationship. He was playing her.
Meanwhile, her friend Sally* — also divorced, met a man. He was charming, handsome, and musical. She fell deeply in love with him, but he never wanted to be alone with her.
He wanted her around to help him with his music and be a confidante. He wanted her to call her late at night to ease his loneliness. Sometimes he’d talk about his ex, the woman he never could forget.
He’d hug her tight, and invite her to family dinners. He introduced her to everyone as his friend.
He always took her out when he was with friends. But never alone. It was like he needed a chaperone.
Months went by, years went by and their friendship never developed into the romantic love she longed for.
One day she told him she was in love with him.
His answer was — “I’m flattered.” That was it.
Two women crying in a car
One evening, Brenda and Sally were driving in her car, and commiserating about the men they loved.
The men that could never love them back.
It was a moment of awakening. They both started sobbing hysterically in the car.
Brenda said they were best friends like Lucy and Ethel (from “I Love Lucy”) and joked that they were having a good Lucy cry.
They both laughed through their tears.
Truth was, the men they loved were not that into them.
Years later, the two friends would remember that pivotal day when they cried so hard they laughed. They both vowed they’d never sink so low and get into situations like that again.
They finally woke up.
Brenda is now married to a man who truly loves her. And Sally now knows that fantasy and love interests don’t mix.
This is still happening
Why do loving women wait around for a man to see their worth?
Why do they put up with hot and cold behavior?
They’re still doing it now.
In Sally’s case, she was living in a state of limerence. Her love was more of a fantasy than reality. She had low self-esteem and a history of wanting unavailable men.
The man she fell for was narcissistic and enjoyed the attention of many women. He was content to string her along, and never do anything about it.
She created an entire fantasy of how great their love could be in her head. It had nothing to do with reality.
Brenda had found a man that merely wanted a fling. He was attracted to Brenda but he was pocketing her. He’d only see her alone.
He kept her separate. He never introduced her to the important people in his life.
He never took her out to dinner or the movies. And he never wanted to meet her friends.
The truth was that he only wanted to keep it physical. He had no intentions of having a real relationship with her.
And how does a woman know a man just isn’t into her?
He’s not taking her out alone on dates.
He’s never there for her when she needs him.
He doesn’t come over and help her with projects. He doesn’t offer to pick her up when she needs a ride or her car breaks down.
He never tells her he’s in love with her.
He never introduces her to family and close friends as his girl.
He lets her down over and over again.
He takes days to respond to a text.
The big one: He tells her he’s not ready for a relationship.
He’s not shy. He’s not hurt and needs time. He’s just not into her.
If a man is into a woman she’s never going to have any doubts about it.
He’s going to show up for her. He’s going to be there when she is sad, and bring her her favorite cup of tea and favorite snacks.
He will go as slow as she wants. Sex is not the main reason he’s with her. It’s their relationship.
He initiates contact most of the time and is asking her out on dates.
If she’s traveling on business, he’ll offer to drive her to the airport. She won’t have to ask.
If her car breaks down, he’ll go pick her up.
If she’s sick, he’ll drive her to the doctor.
When they are with other women, he won’t even notice them. He’ll only have eyes for her.
He’ll proudly introduce her to family and friends as his girlfriend.
He’ll talk about their future together. The relationship will progress naturally.
He’ll say he loves her. But most of all he’ll show her he loves her.
Women everywhere need to wake up and realize when a man isn’t into them
You can’t make a man love you who isn’t feeling it.
And you shouldn’t waste years of your life waiting for someone to want to take a friendship to the next level. It’s not going to happen.
If he’s hiding you from everyone in his life, he doesn’t consider you a serious girlfriend.
If he says you’re his friend, that’s all you are.
You deserve real mutual love. Don’t settle.
Then you won’t ever have to find yourself in a car sobbing with your best friend having a Lucy cry.
*Names have been changed for privacy.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: HUA LING on Unsplash
