Does anyone else think it’s hard to make friends in your 20s? Patrick Brothwell sincerely wants to know.
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Being in the job market means there’s the possibility of having to move somewhere new. Moving doesn’t scare me. When I moved to Lancaster four years ago, I didn’t know anyone. I knew nothing about the place. I knew I had a job and it was a great opportunity.
You know what does scare me (OK, maybe not scared, but definitely makes me nervous)? Making friends. Making friends post-grad is hard.
I’m not socially awkward. I’m relatively friendly and approachable and have a wide range of interests. I’d like to consider myself a good conversationalist and I’d actually put myself in the mix for the “top five fun people I know” (well…maybe 10). I’ve also never had a problem making or keeping friends, which is why it’s always rather embarrassing to have made no significant friends during my tenure here.
In hindsight, I guess I never really had to try that much. And so what follows may sound like a huge load of rationalization, because it is.
I’m a twin. My brother Shawn and I went to preschool together and were in the same class up until 7th grade. We were in different sections throughout high school but both attended the University of Scranton. Having a twin is having a built-in friend. I never had the anxiety of approaching a crowded lunch table or walking into a school dance alone because I was always doing these things as a partner. People always seemed to approach us. A group of two is inviting but not intimidating and asking questions about us being twins is always an easy conversation starter.
Besides having Shawn as a safety blanket, I went to an extremely small school district. The Forest City Regional class of 2004 had just 46 kids. I’ve known the bulk of my high school friends since we’ve been in kindergarten and first grade and some even earlier. People you’ve known that long, frankly, you’re stuck with.
Because of my upbringing, I remember being somewhat nervous about branching out in college, but it turns out that my feelings were in vain. College is engineered to make you friends. Between your classes, dorm activities and the fact that a huge group of people the same age are all being thrown together with the goal of having the best four years of their lives meant that like or it or not, you found people to hang with.
And while I’ve been fortunate to remain in good contact with both my home and school friends, that brings me to my current predicament. I basically went through twenty-three years of life without ever having to really “make” a friend. I arrived in Lancaster without this skill set, and while I wish I could tell you that I just naturally flourished, that would be lying.
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I’m not a hermit. I talk to people and have plenty of acquaintances, but never really found that group of guys I could call up for a road trip or to go for a couple of beers on a Saturday afternoon.
I attribute part of this to the fact that I was (maybe still am) a card-carrying member of the “college will never end club.” I loved college. I still attest that picking the University of Scranton was the best move I’ve made. I was devastated when it was over; openly sobbing the night after graduation with my friends in our favorite watering hole when some dick with no soul decided to play “I Had the Time of My Life,” but that’s a whole other issue for another day. I went back to Scranton a lot that first year, I still had friends there and at one year out people celebrate your return and don’t mutter to their friends “didn’t he graduate X-many years ago?”
I visited a lot. My friends were more or less scattered throughout the tri-state area and that first year you’re working, before student loans kick in and you purchase a new car and might still be attached to your parents car insurance and are still on the family cell plan (OK, fine I’m still on it), you have all this money compared to undergrad poverty and all this freedom. I’m glad I took advantage of it, maybe for a few more years than I should’ve and it’s resulted in awesome memories from NYC and Baltimore and road trips with the guys to Pittsburgh and camping with everyone every summer in NY.
I’m also something of a homebody, not in the fact that I like sitting in and watching Law & Order reruns on a Friday night—although that’s happened this year more than I’d like to admit—but am still very much attached to “going home.” If two months go by without my making the three hour trek back to northeast PA, that’s a long time. I always rationed that I’m far enough away to get out of things I don’t want, but close enough that I’m a dick for not going to a friend’s party.
Because of this lifestyle I’d built for myself I never really had the need to actively pursue other friendships. I was happy with the ones I had and having fun and honestly the weekends that I wasn’t traveling or hosting friends were used to catch up on work or just grab a breather.
It’s just been in the past year or so that I realized that maybe I should have spent more time cultivating local friendships as I find my lifestyle slowing down, just a little. Friends are starting to move further away, people are getting engaged, relationships are becoming more serious and houses and dogs anchor people at home. The days of haphazardly throwing together a NYC weekend bender on a Friday afternoon are behind me. Getting everyone together sometimes means planning and coordinating more than two months in advance. I’ve started staying in Lancaster more often, and honestly, between school work and my writing ambitions I’m more often busy than not. Still, one gets lonely.
I realize that maybe I missed a couple of crucial years, the years where everyone was just starting new jobs and moving to new places and looking for new friends. I was still content grasping at old straws. People my age seem to have a group and integrating a well-established group is intimidating.
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Then there’s the question of where? Where does an adult male go to make friends?
I know a lot of people who hangout with people they work with. I’m not one of them. Call me old-fashioned but I like to keep a separation between my work and social lives. I want colleagues to think of me highly and take my work seriously. Teaching is also somewhat of a lonely job. I don’t have time to chat around the water cooler or go for lunch break (I’m usually working through mine) and could easily go an entire day without seeing anyone over the age of 18. While there are people at my job I enjoy talking to, most of them are at different places in their lives than me.
I want to say that I met most of my college friends in class or the library or in one of the many extra curriculars I was involved in, but in reality I met most of them by either living in close proximity, through other friends, or out drinking. My neighbors are currently a vaguely hipster Christian prayer center and a Vietnamese restaurant and while I do enjoy myself a good bowl of pho, I don’t think I’ll be making any friends due to location. I have no local friends so by proxy cannot meet people through them.
I know someone is going to say to me, “join a gym,” “find a meet-up group” or “do an adult kickball league.” I do belong to a gym, but I go there to workout. I put on my headphones, try and get in a good workout, and get out (just hardcore like that). I wouldn’t be opposed to finding someone with similar hobbies but one of the reasons I like my friends is that we all enjoy different things. We don’t have to be kayaking or hiking or listening to music every time we hang out. Joining an adult league? Pure unadulterated ego; I’d literally be embarrassed to join something friendless. Am I being too picky? Too self conscious?
This leaves me with making friends in bars.
I’m not sure the protocol. I could probably go somewhere and find a guy or group of guys that look like someone I’d want to hang with. I could probably start enough small talk easy enough. Then what? Do I give them my number and ask if they want to hang out? I know if someone asked me I’d probably politely entertain them for a minute or two before excusing myself to the “bathroom” or to “take a phone call.” We’re a very exclusive culture. We go out with our friends and don’t really want to get know others. Groups of guys will go out in search of girls to go home with, but no one really seems to go out looking for friends.
So I’m stuck.
Maybe I need to push myself out of my comfort zone. I haven’t had to do it yet. Maybe I’m over-thinking how hard this is. Maybe I need to not really care about being that “weird” or “awkward” guy and just pony up and start talking to more people. Maybe people have been trying to be my friend and I just didn’t notice because I was too busy doing my own thing. Or maybe making adult friends literally is hard.
I’m not sure what the answer is, but does anyone want to hang out this weekend?
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photo: Nick-K / flickr
Not just a male problem 🙂 My husband ran into this though as a chef, he was older, with a family – and most workers are kids of 18-20, and when you’re in your 30’s you either fake it to fit in or find yourself way out of your depth. I have the same issue, but add to it I’m an introvert. I need friends who get that and I don’t think I’ve actually ever had any that did. As a result – my real life friend count = 0. I have my husband, he has me – like your… Read more »
Try learning martial arts or a running club/marathon training group…I have been surprised at how deep and close we talk about things—something about learning life and death moves with someone engaged in such close physical contact that brings something out in people…I tell stuff to my karate people that I don’t even tell my husband or friends about….you have to cut the bullshit when you do certain moves—do it wrong and someone gets hurt…
I understand the wanting to avoid getting too close with coworkers. It varies from situation to situation and job to job, but sometimes you just don’t click with your coworkers, especially if there are any politics involved too close to home. In my experience, the best way to make friends is to engage in repetitive social activities. Join a local Meetup group (meetup.com) or 3. They have everything from city volleyball leagues to chess clubs, philosophy reading groups to guitar jam sessions. Once you find your niche in these weekly activities, friendships are bound to emerge. And a lot of… Read more »
You are really missing the boat by not friending your coworkers. One of the best things about being a teacher is that you are blessed to work with incredible people. I’ve taught for over 30 years and have found some of my very best friends teaching in the classrooms just down the hall.
That may be true…my mom’s a teacher and has a very close group of friends she’s made at work. I just like keeping a separation of sorts and just felt that coming into it as basically a kid right out of college, that I wanted to be taken seriously.
You are being too picky. You don’t want your coworkers to look down on you but you admit that you hardly ever see them at work. You refuse to socialize at the gym and not all guys go out to bars just to pick up women. Lots of guys go to bars to listen to music, watch a game, have a beer and relax outside of their homes, something it seems like you’ve forgotten how to do since you left the area you grew up in. You’ve essentially self-eliminated all the ways most men continue to make friends post-college. The… Read more »
You have some very good points.
You hit the nail on the head…It really is just difficult to make “real friends” as an adult. In your 20s, you find that many of the people you have called friends or recently became your friend are actually acquaintances. When it boils down to who really are your true friends, one way I like to think about it is, who would I call in an emergency and comfortably know that they will be there for me? Something else to consider are the friendships that you cultivated with those people you spent many years of your life with, such as… Read more »
Luckily I haven’t had too many friends become acquaintances but I definitely know what you mean. It’s a tricky situation to navigate.