Want To Improve Your Dating Prospects After Narc Abuse?

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

I.
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

II.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I still don’t see it. I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place. It isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there, I still fall in.
It’s habit. It’s my fault. I know where I am. I get out immediately.

IV.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

V.
I walk down a different street.

Poem by Portia Nelson

There’s a saying which goes: our taste in people will change when we learn to love ourselves. If you’re a survivor of narcissistic abuse, you’ll know it’s not as simple as that. Having had all the trust, grace, and loving kindness hoovered out of you, your pattern of being attracted to, and tolerating, toxic people will stem from a deep emotional wound, meaning it will take way more than avoiding the above-mentioned ‘hole in the sidewalk’ to break the patterns of a lifetime.

So, how do we break the repetitious cycle of narc abuse and realign ourselves with people whose intentions are genuine; who can offer us real love?

Well, if you were enmeshed in childhood by narc family members; one of whom may have been the aggressive perpetrator, the other the covert enabler; you’ll likely have been gas-lit to within an inch of your life and never received validation or emotional support. You’ll have got used to this, and after repeatedly being on the receiving end of such mistreatment, you likely won’t notice the ‘hole on the sidewalk’, and you’ll have no idea what real love or a healthy relationship even looks like.

Recovery from narc abuse and the subsequent complexities of dating again is a long and winding road; a laborious game of snakes and ladders, with far too many snakes and far too few ladders.

The steps listed below explore some essential insights into how we might navigate our way out of the dark hole of abuse and back into the light…

Step One – Identify how and where the toxic pattern originated:

In my case, the pattern started in childhood. I then carried this through to adulthood, unconsciously attracting the same archetype of ‘bad man’ and accompanying toxic relationship wherever I went. When I finally reached the stage whereby I could clearly see what was going on, I still felt powerless to change my behaviour.

Frustration and rage were never far from the surface: how could I KNOWINGLY step into the same dark hole each time I ‘fell’ for one of these men, yet still be powerless to stop myself?

I came to the conclusion that I was addicted to these type of men (narcissists), to the pattern of abuse, to all of it; as it was the only way I knew how to be ‘in relationship’, or get any attention from the opposite sex.

During therapy, I was asked how my toxic patterns with men played out. I answered that a charismatic charmer would arrive, replete with crocodile smile and chaotic sideshow; I would quickly be overwhelmed, then fall unconscious into the ‘hole’. How would the scenario end? My therapist asked. I’d either give them what they wanted, or if I was being strong, refuse to give them what they wanted, whereupon they would immediately lose interest, rip off the mask, and leave. I had subsequently written myself off as ‘the sub’; a romantic stand-in to be used and discarded at will, never ‘The One’ a man chose to partner up with.

My therapist pointed out that this bad behaviour said more about the men I chose than it did about me; that I was merely caught in the cross-fire; duped by their illusion of ‘fake love’. I knew she was right, but having this awareness made no difference and I was complicit in perpetuating the pattern; favouring crumbs of affection over nothing.

I was then asked what I thought I was ultimately trying to achieve by repeating this pattern over and over again? I replied that I was trying to make this type of man; a scheming imposter whose sole interest was in using me then discarding me; love me. Why would you do that to yourself? My therapist asked. I was flustered. I didn’t know. I blurted out that on some subconscious level, these men reminded me of a male sibling who, despite pretending to all his life, had never loved me, resented my existence, was emotionally abusive, and often referred to the ‘glory years’ before I’d been born.

The penny finally dropped when it was suggested to me that instead of repeating the pattern over and over in an attempt to ‘fix’ myself, wouldn’t it be better to face reality, grieve the loss of my relationship with my sibling (a relationship spanning 50 years), then set my sights on a different type of man; a man who can actually love me.

So, if you’re currently stuck in a relationship ‘hole’, it’s essential to trace the origins of your wound in order to heal. Maybe try looking a bit closer to home if you’re lost for answers…?

Step Two – Love they self, then love someone else:

Following long-term narc abuse, you’ll be coming from a place of zero self-love, so in order to really love someone else you’ll first have to learn to love yourself.

Inevitably, you’ll still be attracted to and attracting all the wrong types, so be aware that you’re engaging with these people from a trauma response, not a balanced human approach.

Over time, narc abuse erodes the spirit and self-confidence, making us desperate for scraps of affection or attention, from anyone. Narcs love nothing better than a radiant, fragile, empath with an open heart, and self-esteem which resides permanently in the gutter. Furthermore, they’re schematic, so even if you have honed your discernment to some degree, they’ll still be adept at intercepting any chink in your armour to catch you off guard. If you’re their chosen target, they’ll circle around you like a shark, just waiting for a whiff of blood.

Learning to love new people; people who respect you and treat you well will feel totally alien, requiring a radical change in perspective and a lot of work from you. You may find genuinely decent people boring at first, as they will lack the energetic ‘charge’ of a narc, and being so habituated to keeping your guard up, it will feel unnatural to be vulnerable and open with a non game-player.

Having identified the origins of your wound, you’ll then have to go ‘cold turkey’ and force yourself to change the type of person you’re attracted to, wilfully ignoring those fantasy cravings for all your narc exes.

The takeaway:

Whether you’re currently stuck in one of the above-mentioned ‘holes’, or tentatively trying to climb out, be aware that, especially when it comes to dating, narc abuse is a slippery sucker to overcome. It’s a complex process of self-awareness; a slow return to authenticity; to feeling your hurt feelings; to calling yourself back to wholeness, to carefully weaning yourself off your addiction to charismatic opportunists, and setting your sights higher.

You’ll need a lot of therapy, a radical life change, and a brutal cull of all your contacts. You’ll need to ‘gird your loins’ when it comes to any narcs who are still left in your life. You’ll need to walk away from those who are still hurting you, and you’ll need TONNES of self-love to do so. You’ll need to implement a strong support system and remind yourself of your own worth on a daily basis.

The good news is that once you’ve learnt to put yourself first, to listen to your gut, remove the rose-tinted glasses and fully inhabit the here and now, you can then reprogramme your satnav in the direction of a shiny new street with NO dark holes.

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Previously Published on medium

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