Watch What Your Partner Does, Not How You Feel

You can ask them, but they may not be honest.

I’m not saying to be paranoid or distrustful of who you’re dating, but always — always watch what they do!

Because everyone tends to be on their “best behavior” at first.

And some people stop caring when they’ve secured a partner.

That’s when you meet the “real” version of them. The person you thought you were dating is not who they portrayed themselves.

You’re in a relationship with their behavior

This is “common sense,” but the advice is rarely practiced.

We get caught up in the moment.

Try to observe your partner. Feel the tone of their voice or watch their body language. Every habit.

Listen to how they talk about themselves.

If their relationship with their feelings is poor, why would they treat you differently?

So, to compensate for insecurities or emotional avoidance they will “bomb you with love.”

They’ll lay it on thick and you won’t have room to breathe.

Real examples of love-bombing (all from the same person!):

“We should adopt children together.”
“I’m training to be your housewife.”
“I can’t wait for you to meet my parents.”

This is “future-faking.” A form of “love-bombing.”

Other exes have done similar things, but I couldn’t pass up this example.

It felt “out-of-place” but also… endearing.

Unfortunately, I over-invested emotionally, but it was all a ruse.

According to Verywellmind, “They want to manipulate you so you believe they are more invested in the relationship than they actually are.”

This is narcissistic behavior, but future faking isn’t limited to “narcs.”

I’ve noticed avoidants are guilty of this too.

Why?

Emotional intimacy is pretty scary for them. Scarier than the boogeyman.

Or worse, scarier than responding to “we need to talk” without ghosting.

In another example, a “girlfriend,” would bring little trinkets for me.

Heartfelt things she made or collected. Meant a lot, but that was the extent of her capacity to show love. At least as far as I could tell.

She would “trauma dump,” as a form of fake intimacy.

Eventually, she ghosted and showed her true character.

It sounds negative, but there’s a positive side. You have the power to walk away.

You are in control of the situation and your feelings.

You can start people off on “probation” and still show them love and kindness.

Feelings are misleading and fade as time passes

But here’s why we don’t start people off on “probation.”

The honeymoon phase.

When you meet someone new — especially if you’ve been single for a long time and the chemistry is intense, it’s hard to see things clearly.

Again, this is common sense — or at least logical when you see it from an outside perspective, but love blinds us.

Think about it, ever looked at a friend and their relationship, and you wondered, What in the world are they doing together? I don’t understand what he sees in her.

He’s oblivious to her demeaning and critical comments.

Let’s break this down.

What we think of as love — is often more than one thing. Love is a combination of emotion and feeling.

Emotion is the “raw” biological, physical response in your body.

Heart rate
Breathing
Muscle tension

It’s all triggered by your mind in response to external stimuli.

But feelings are the stories — the interpretations we apply to emotions.

For your friend, he doesn’t see that because he’s blinded by what he wants to see. He’s blinded by “the one.”

As a personal example, I went through something similar.

On a first date, she looked at me and said, “You give me the butterflies.”

She often felt this way about me, but that “gut sensation” was probably from the novelty rather than anything serious.

And on our first date, she said, “I’m giving you a chance by going out with YOU.”

I ignored a huge red flag and I let other parts of my body do my thinking for me…

How to observe their behavior objectively

I haven’t been the best at tracking my “feelings.” I do that AFTER a relationship ends.

In a few instances, I logged my experiences in real-time.

And I discovered a hidden pattern I may have missed.

But, since starting a new chapter in my dating life, all my “cold approaches” have been logged.

Logging all the interactions reflected my inner struggles. Like looking at a mirror.

It allows you to self-reflect and think rather than running on autopilot.

And you remain objective this way.

Usually, if you don’t write things down, your mind tends to keep things vague or subjective.

How to determine long-term compatibility

Consistency. Faking it long-term is hard.

That, and discussing values.

i.e. If they only date casually, but you want more, that will be a source of conflict.

Here’s more common sense: consistency = the real deal.

But again, feelings blind us.

For example, one or two canceled dates might be excusable, but if that behavior continues, this is not a “one-off” thing.

Their priorities are clearly not in the right place.

So when do you draw a line?

That’s up to you, but I stop playing games after 2 or 3 chances.

So, ask yourself: Am I okay with what they’re doing (or not doing)?

(I’ll be publishing a comprehensive article on covert red flags soon. You can bypass most of the trial and error of determining long-term compatibility.)

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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