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I ended a thirty-three-year ‘starter marriage’ ten years ago now and am happily into my marriage with wife number last. I say number last because I believe she will be with me to the end. Likewise, my current wife ended her thirty-three marriage the same way.
We have been married now for six years with all the ups and downs of a marriage where two people have different thoughts on how to live together. We knew we were the loves of our lives immediately and got married in a very short time. We laugh when we tell others our story now, but I have to say our being together was and is magical. Please believe me when I say we fight. We do and often.
Here’s the key: We have a number system that indicates a level of anger, we ‘both’ stop the argument and wait for a few minutes until we both calm down. We usually take five or so minutes.
We both know what doesn’t work in a marriage and so when we can get the anger part of a conversation out of the way, we find that we can come to an agreement rather quickly. It is NOT a win/win, but a solution. I say solution because there is no ‘win,’ just an end.
Our numbering system indicates our level of anger. A one means I am angry and we get to stop the conversation before real fighting begins. Two means I no longer care for your side of the argument, and I am fighting with you. THREE has never been reached and is defined as abuse to win at any cost. We have never gone there.
Let’s look at each level in more detail.
Level One is easy to get to and still, you have time to regain control of yourself to avoid confrontation on the upper levels described above. Level One is controlled anger with some name calling and physical sign waving. One is also a place where our thought processing is very narrow and thus little time, if any, is spent on finding the right words to not escalate the situation.
Level Two means you will win the argument at any cost and you are ready to engage in name calling and the like. Level Two takes conscious decision making. You must stop your negative thought process and say to both yourself and the person you are arguing with that you no longer wish to fight.
Level Three is evil and there are no rules. This level is dangerous as it is fraught with abuse, both verbal and physical. There is NEVER a reason to go here. Insanity lives here. We have this level as a reminder of what can happen without limits to one’s behavior.
My wife and I are the loves of each other’s lives for sure and I say this without hesitation. We are also very emotional, intelligent people and that means we are emotional about certain things where no agreement can be found. This said we understand that and we are always open to compromise after a cooling down period and sanity returns.
Next time you are arguing, remember the One, Two and NEVER Three method for handling your temper and their perspective. Just cool down and let your magnificent brain do the work.
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