We Marry for the Wrong Reasons

I received the Judgment of Dissolution (divorce agreement) a few weeks ago. We married so my ex could receive in-state college tuition as an out-of-state student. So that result didn’t really surprise anyone.

To me, marriage provokes thoughts of baggage, settling down, and dry stability. Having grown up in my uncle’s family and seeing their grandchildren coming over every week, I realized that tireless discipline of screaming children isn’t really my type of lifestyle.

Even more, marriage has lost its original meaning. We approach it as an obligation rather than a commitment. We have “to get it out of the way” to focus on what we truly care about.

We marry for security

I returned to China a few years ago and noticed that all of my childhood friends were married, except for one or two. I’ve always had this theory that the less privileged your background, the earlier you marry.

In poorer countries and villages, people tie the knot extremely young. Marriage is a way to replace their dim future, to provide a sense of comfort and sense of belonging that they struggle to find in society. It’s common to have children by the time Americans attend college.

Conversely, rich people take their time, if not avoid marriage until absolute necessity. I truly believe that given enough money, most people will hold it off for as long as possible — unless they meet their “soulmates.” This is especially true in the U.S., where monogamy isn’t as prevalent as in the rest of the world.

One of my female friends, approaching 30, feels the pressure and tells me that the marriage certificate is a sense of security. Understandable so, especially for women. Many of them fall victim to this pressure and compromise the rest of their lives with someone they only have moderate affection for.

Marriage, therefore, has become merely a safety net.

We marry because of FOMO

For the Asian culture, people over 30 and single are considered leftovers. There’s an unspoken deadline to get married, depending on where you live. It’s probably anywhere from 25–30 years old. What’s ironic is, instead of marrying for love, we’re marrying because of fear.

It turns into a clearance sale—a last-minute prom date. The difference is, this choice doesn’t affect one night in high school. It affects us for the rest of our lives.

They marry because they were told it’s the right thing to do

We don’t question whether marriage is right for us. We don’t fight against convention and establish our own idea about when to get married and what it means for us. We’ve been conditioned as blind sheeps, just imitating the couples before us. We accept it as a universal rule instead of doing it out of the desire to surround our life with another person.

Sometimes, we don’t even know why we’re getting married. It’s probably because we were told so our entire lives. And we’ve been ingrained with the idea that this is the ultimate path to happiness. Often without much reflection of what it actually entails and whether or not it suits us.

Even when we’re uninterested in locking up with one person till the very end, we’re afraid to go against the grain.

I’m pro-marriage, just not half-hearted ones

Time isn’t an issue when you’re in love. Marry a week after meeting. Love should be independent of time, societal expectations, age, and everything else.

If my other half and her parents are willing, I’ll never marry. Despite all of the tax complications and miscellaneous challenges, I don’t see a point in marrying someone I don’t love. Most of us are simply going through the motion, for a piece of paper to prove our love to the world, for a ceremony to demonstrate our commitment. We live to please others. But then we turn around and betray the person whom we signed on the dotted line with.

Marriage has become a way for us to stray away from suffering. We love the benefits of being married more than the person we’re building a life with together. It’s become a tool rather than the expression of love.

I hiked with some new pals a few days ago, and one of the girls started complaining about how dull her husband is. I asked her how long they’ve been together. She replied, “not even a month.” Most young people don’t even know what they’re jumping into. They think it’s this new and shiny thing that everybody does, and it’s the established way of life. Only to regret it just months down the line.

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If you meet someone who’s touched every fiber of your being, and you don’t feel like there’s anyone else that you’ll ever want to be with for the rest of your time here, marry them. Whether it’s the first week of dating or if you’re 50 years old. True love has no boundaries.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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