We Need a Witness to Our Lives

We raced Skye to the veterinary clinic, where they whisked him away. Not long after the veterinarian delivered the bad news. Skye died of an undiagnosed heart issue. They brought Skye’s limp body into the exam room and Nicole stroked his fur while I held his paws and we both cried.

The only saving grace through the sudden loss of Skye and Nicole’s cancer journey was that we had each other to lean on.

I can’t think of anything lonelier

Marriage today often gets a bad rap.

People rattle off divorce statistics and a lot of young people are delaying marriage. For some, it’s about being sure, having witnessed the pain and expense of their parents’s breakups.

Others worry about the economy. Also, the decline in religious worship has meant more couples put off marriage, and simply live together.

No doubt, a committed relationship and marriage involve sacrifices, challenges, and disagreements.

Is it worth it?

Would we be better off staying single, or living with another without the legal constraints of marriage? For some, the answer might be yes.

People are all different, and some temperaments are less suited to long commitments and compromise. Others marry because they’re in love with the idea of it, but not necessarily the reality. Perhaps they marry out of family or religious expectations before they even know what they want.

I don’t want to be married just to be married. I can’t think of anything lonelier than spending the rest of my life with someone I can’t talk to, or worse, someone I can’t be silent with. — Mary Ann Shaffer, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society

I’ve met unmarried couples who lived together for years and were happy. And I’ve met long-time married couples who were equally happy.

As a police officer, I dealt with some people whose marriages were unhealthy and destructive. However, I encountered even more unmarried couples living together whose relationships were disasters of abuse, dysfunction, and unhappiness.

People will argue about the best path to happiness in life, but I’ve concluded that for most of us, being in a committed, loving relationship will lead to healthier outcomes.

Good relationships

The book, “The Case for Marriage: Why Married People are Happier, Healthier and Better Off Financially”makes many arguments in favor of marriage.

The Amazon introduction for the book states:

Today a broad consensus holds that marriage is a bad deal for women, that divorce is better for children when parents are unhappy, and that marriage is essentially a private choice, not a public institution. Waite and Gallagher flatly contradict these assumptions, arguing instead that by a broad range of indices, marriage is actually better for you than being single or divorced– physically, materially, and spiritually. They contend that married people live longer, have better health, earn more money, accumulate more wealth, feel more fulfillment in their lives, enjoy more satisfying sexual relationships, and have happier and more successful children than those who remain single, cohabit, or get divorced.

Many of us know unmarried people who are in long, committed relationships, so there are exceptions to every argument.

Perhaps the better perspective is found in the landmark, 84-year Harvard Study of Adult Development, detailed in an Inc online magazine article, in which the study’s authors, Robert Waldinger, and Marc Schulz, made the following conclusion:

For 84 years (and counting), the Harvard Study has tracked the same individuals, asking thousands of questions and taking hundreds of measurements to find out what really keeps people healthy and happy…One crucial factor stands out… It’s not career achievement, or exercise, or a healthy diet. Don’t get us wrong; these things matter (a lot). But one thing continuously demonstrates its broad and enduring importance: Good relationships. If we had to take all 84 years of the Harvard Study and boil it into a single principle for living, one life investment that is supported by similar findings across a wide variety of other studies, it would be this: Good relationships keep us healthier and happier. Period.

Good relationships.

They’re the key to living a healthier and happier life. Certainly in our friendships, and crucially in our intimate relationships and marriages.

Your life will not go unnoticed

When we’re younger, the bloom of youth and hormones often guide our impulses.

We’re motivated by physical attraction, charisma, popularity, and a host of other things that may not lead to a good, long-term relationship. But hopefully, with time and maturity, we start to look for deeper qualities like integrity, kindness, stability, and honest affection.

Passion is important, but as many learn, it can wane over time.

We discover that something deeper starts to happen. Passion morphs into a kind of cherished, loving companionship. And we find just how important it is to share our life with someone. To experience one another’s highs and lows. To cheer and console each other through life’s vicissitudes.

There’s a lovely dialogue between the actors Susan Sarandon and Richard Jenkins in the film “Shall We Dance?” in which they discuss marriage.

She asks him why people get married, and he says, “Passion.”

“No,” she says, adding later that the reason people get married is:

Because we need a witness to our lives. There are a billion people on the planet, I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things. All of it. All the time. Every day. You’re saying ‘Your life will not go unnoticed, because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed.’

This is why I said a prayer of gratitude, as I stood with my arm around Nicole and took in the grandeur of the Scottish landscape.

My gratitude was not about being in Scotland, lovely though it was. Rather, my gratitude was that I was participating in and witnessing my wife’s amazing life, and she was doing the same for me. We are in this journey together.

When we say the marriage vows, “In sickness and in health,” we don’t realize the gift of witnessing and experiencing one another’s joys and pains. It’s something that transcends youthful passion. It’s deeper, holier, and more fulfilling.

We need a witness to our lives.

Someone who will be there to see our triumphs and sorrows. Our successes and failures. Because loving companionship makes life sweeter and assures us that our lives will not go unnoticed.

We need a witness to our lives, to remind us how much we matter.

Before you go

 

John Patrick Weiss writes stories and essays about life, often illustrated with his black and white photography. Visit  JohnPatrickWeiss.com.