We’re Done Raising Entitled Men

Ask Wendy: Dating, Sex & Relationship Advice for the Bold

Hey Wendy,

I’ve been dating a man for a year, and he has a five-year-old son. He co-parents with his ex-wife and has his son one day a week and every other weekend. We both see longer-term potential in the relationship — including living together at some point — however, I have reservations about aspects of his parenting style.

My boyfriend rarely says “no” to his son. It seems like his son says “no” most of the time. He wants all of my boyfriend’s attention, and he makes it difficult to have a conversation because he’s always interrupting.

When we go out to eat, my boyfriend’s son sits in his lap. He does not want to sit in his own chair, and this is allowed. He refuses to eat unless his dad feeds him. And he wants to be carried, and my boyfriend accommodates this.

When my boyfriend does say “no,” his son gets upset or throws a tantrum, and my boyfriend relents.

It’s also interesting that my boyfriend has a hard time tolerating “no” from me, especially if it pertains to sex or us spending time together. He will sometimes have his own version of a tantrum, and I have told him more than once that his behavior is unacceptable. That if he can’t manage it, our relationship will be over. I fear that my boyfriend is raising another him, a man who expects to get his way all the time and gets upset when he doesn’t.

Is it appropriate for me to say anything about parenting to my boyfriend? Or should I “stay in my lane” because he’s not my kid? If we ever lived together, I wouldn’t have a problem telling his son “no,” and I would be unhappy bending to my boyfriend’s will. I believe there’s a balance you can strike, but, again, this isn’t my child.

Amiee S.

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Hey Amiee,

Okay, so I see your thought process in wanting to stay in your own lane, but the world at large is counting on you to say something right now. Before we go too far, I just want to warn you that what I offer may end your relationship, and if so, that may be okay — it needs to be said.

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First, ask for a time to talk:

“We need a time out to talk about something important. Is now a good time?”

Don’t try and have this life-changing conversation at a time he can’t hear you. If he’s focused on something else, even if he’s just reading a book, or if you’re about to go somewhere, or do something, save this talk for a time when both of you have the physical and emotional space to hear each other. Next, gather up your courage, and start with the positives:

“I am really glad I found you, and I’m happy for our partnership. I think we’re amazing in so many ways.

There’s something I’m concerned about, though, that might get in the way of building a life together. I’ve noticed that you don’t say “no” to your son very often, and when you do, he throws a tantrum and you tend to give in to whatever he wants. I’m concerned that this pattern is setting him up to grow into an entitled man who gets what he wants or else. Our world really doesn’t need another one of those.

While it may feel like you’re doing the right thing by appeasing him in the moment, the long-term effects of giving in to his every whim is a real disservice to his growth and development as a person, and you’re setting him up for unsuccessful relationships in his future.

I can’t help but notice that this pattern also extends to our interactions sometimes, as well. I feel you’re not receiving my “no” with respect. You tend to react strongly and negatively to my “no,” which leaves me feeling unsafe in our relationship as my boundaries are being crossed and my needs are going unmet.

I know this isn’t pleasant to hear, but in the spirit of our partnership, I’d like to clear this up with you to see if we have a real shot at moving forward.”

Amiee, I’m glad you have healthy, strong boundaries and you recognize what’s going on here.

If you successfully deliver the intent behind this message, you’ll have a shot at saving your relationship, and you’ll potentially have an impact on turning around some of this behavior. Also, if it’s feeling like a convo that needs a middle man to help navigate and you’re feeling like this relationship is something worth really working on, then couple’s therapy may be an option.

There’s a really good chance, though, that it won’t be received well. And if it is not, that’s key information for you to have about this man. You do not need to enable or contribute to this style of childrearing. And I’m sorry that this is hard.

Good luck out there!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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