What Are You Going to Do to Stop It?

I have honorable men in my life, who I assume practice consent when it comes to touch, whether it is platonic or sexual. I know I have women in my life who have been sexually assaulted by men. I don’t know if I have men in my life who have stood up to other boys or men who have demeaned, bullied or assaulted girls or women. I hope that is the case. That’s one way we get it to stop, for men to hold their peers accountable. Another is for parents to teach respect and touch by consent to their sons. I did, from an early age. When my son was young, I instilled in him the concept that no means no, not just with regard to him touching others, but them touching him and that only a heart felt YES means yes. The freedom to change a yes to a no was reinforced as well. To the best of my knowledge at 39, he has followed that guidance.

If you see or hear something, say something. Not one of the dudes who knew the seven rapists at Cornell and were on the text thread, spoke up to stop it. Not one reported it. Not only did the rapists dehumanize the woman, but the other guys did too. Rape is not just about sex. It is about control and dehumanization. It is a criminal act and needs to be treated as such. What Cornell’s administration did was appalling as well. Not only did they deny this woman justice, but they put all other women on campus at risk.

What is the mindset of the families who raised these assailants? How are they dealing with their sons now? Why would you want to be friends with anyone who would treat women this way? Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who did what these guys did? Chances are that they are going to be lonely. If I knew someone had assaulted and found out that someone I knew was interested in getting involved with that person, I would inform her. None of the nunya business nonsense. It is all of our business.

The standard of proof should have nothing to do with whether Jane Doe was intoxicated when she walked in the door. It should have nothing to do with whether anything she did was originally by consent as was alleged. No one’s body is an object to be used for the gratification of others. I hope she finds some sense of justice.

How did the college decide which of the perpetrators were to be expelled and which were assigned an essay as a consequence? Will they be used as evidence in an eventual trial?

The rapacious mindset permeates all aspects of society and what permitted a known assailant, (he said it himself) to ascend to the White House. It is the throughline that permeates the Epstein files. That is one of many things that I find appalling about people who voted for him and still support him. Some I know are parents and grandparents of girls. How can they dissociate so completely that it doesn’t matter to them?

Another #. This time it is #whatareyougoingtodotostopit

Remember the 1988 movie starring Jodie Foster and Kelly McGillis called The Accused in which the survivor of a brutal bar rape not only takes to court, those who assaulted her, but those who stood by, cheered it on and did nothing to intervene? She wins on both counts. I wonder if the same principle can be applied to the horrific rape at Cornell in which all of the dudes who were in the text thread who did nothing could be held accountable in addition to the rapists?

If the college doesn’t take more appropriate action, can they be charged with collusion since they now know what these monsters did? If any of them have girlfriends I hope they break up with the perpetrators. What did their parents teach them that gave them the idea that this behavior was acceptable?

In the wee hours of the morning, I had an insight into how we need to create a Cornell vetting tool. Ask potential friends and partners what they would do if they knew someone was being sexually assaulted. If they give any answer other than, “I would intervene or call 911”, question their humanity and send them packing.

If there is anything positive about this horrific experience is that it triggering conversation about consent, safety, accountability, and misogyny. The dominos are falling as it has been reported that two of the men have been summarily fired by their employers. The DA has opened a new investigation into the case.

There is a powerful video called Tea and Consent that illustrates it succinctly.

I had an insight early this morning, that I was one of the ‘lucky ones’. My thoughts meandered to something that occurred more than 10 years ago that ties into the question of why women have unclear memories of assault with regard to details. I was at the home of a friend in the DC area at an annual holiday party that I would drive down to from north of Philly each year. This is a community of friends who value consent as part of their ethos. I teach a workshop called Cuddle Party which focuses on communication, boundary setting and safe, nurturing, platonic touch, by consent. The festivities were winding down, folks were leaving and those who were staying over were starting to turn in for the night. I was in a guest room, in pajamas, in bed. The light was still on, as I was getting settled in. A man walks in, without knocking. He is someone I don’t know well but have seen him at other gatherings. He proceeds to sit on the edge of the bed and starts to caress me. My first reaction, “What are you doing?” He responded that he wanted to snuggle. I told him that I wanted him to stop what he was doing and leave the room. He continued, adding, “But you’re the cuddle Goddess. I thought you would want to.” Again, I said no. I felt a sense of physical paralysis even as my words told him to stop. Somehow, I got a burst of energy, stood up and told him that if he didn’t leave the room immediately, I would shout for the host who was in the room directly across the hall. He reluctantly left. I locked the door and did my best to calm down. I heard the front door close, so I assumed he left the house.

I walked to my friend’s room and asked to come in. I cried as they held me and asked what happened. I explained. From that point, I don’t remember what they said. I remember feeling safe at that moment. It occurs to me now that I could have overpowered the dude if I needed to since he was around my size, but I was glad that I didn’t have to. I can still remember his appearance, but his name is in the recesses of my brain and I can’t pull it out. The next morning, I told others who had stayed over what had happened and urged them to be careful around him. What I wanted, but don’t remember if it happened, was for him to be forbidden to attend other gatherings until the leaders of the community had spoken with him about what he had done with an eye toward education. I didn’t want him to apologize, and I don’t recall if he did. I didn’t want to be in proximity. I wanted to protect other women from his advances. I don’t know what might have happened if I didn’t have the ability to say no and if my friend wasn’t nearby. This is someone who would have come to my rescue if need be.

Consider the trauma that occurs when someone is physically violated as sexual abuse survivors can attest to. Not a surprise if it seems that they change their stories, not a surprise if there are fuzzy details. Trauma changes the brain.

I am one of the lucky ones. I shouldn’t be the exception.

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