What Are You Looking For? Before You Ask This on a Dating App, Cross These Three Thresholds

Since Wasband and I have decided to split up (or, rather, since I got sick of his continuous cheating and lies), I’ve approached dating apps differently than I have in the past.

Years ago, when we opened our marriage and established guidelines (that I upheld while he bypassed them like the Roadrunner over a cliff), I used dating apps to find casual sex partners. I wrote about some of those escapades here.

I met some very strange men.

I met some men I’d consider dangerous.

I met a few women I found intensely erotic and appealing.

I met some men who have proven to be the sort of friends who stick around.

I met a man I loved.

But, the through line in all those interactions was that I was not available for anything except my version of casual sexual relationships — heavy on both the friendship and the benefits, with a sprinkle of silliness.

(By the way, every time I use an em dash, I’m mildly worried folks will think AI wrote this. It didn’t. This is all me. I love my em dashes and parenthetical asides and plan to keep them, AI be damned.)

Now, though, I’m dating a bit differently. I’m still not available for anything complex or committed. My life is a bit of a shit show, and anyone who looks at what I have going on right now and says “yep, I want to commit to that three-ring circus with a missing tent” is a bit suspicious. So, I’m casually dating in a way that is thoughtful, boundary-driven, and aimed at little more than finding interesting people to spend time with while I figure out what life looks like for me in the next few years.

We get hurt in relationships with others, we have to heal in relationships with others, too, and I’m on a mission to reconnect with the parts of me I love and miss.

I’m clear about this with folks I’m dating.

I’m also clear about something else. I don’t think it’s any of my fucking business if they’re dating other people. In fact, I assume they are. Unless there’s a conversation about monogamy, exclusivity, or relationship status, I think it’s fair to assume that anyone you’re dating is also heading out for the occasional coffee or dinner date.

So, I’m clear about what I’m looking for, what I’m available for, and what makes sense in my life. I’m also comfortable explaining it.

So why does the question, “What are you looking for here?” grate on me so badly when asked in the early texts exchanged via a dating platform before meeting?

Because I don’t yet know if you’re a safe place for me to explain what I’m looking for.

There are a few steps to cross…familiarity thresholds, if you will, before such a question even makes sense.

Threshold 1: Permission to flirt

Wait, you’re on a dating app, why do you need permission to flirt? Well, just like pineapple on pizza, or olives in a martini, some people aren’t into it. Some folks don’t want to flirt without having established rapport and non-creepy vibes.

Where do I fall? I love flirting. But flirting and sexting are two completely different things for me. Flirting includes witty banter, fun turns of phrase, and, in the case of my early conversations with Viking, making up a band name and assigning the songs for their first hypothetical album. Sexting includes sending messages like “I can’t wait to taste you,” but is something I only do once I’ve actually had in-person sex with you. I reserve my sluttiness for folks who earn it.

I don’t need you to ask permission for flirting, and if you throw out some witty banter, I will probably hit the ball back to you. But, if you go straight for sexting or telling me how much you love my eyes (I know… they’re pretty… but I promise they’re one of the less-interesting parts of me), I will quickly lose interest.

Sapiosexual, even when it’s inconvenient.

Threshold 2: Reciprocated flirting

Alright, so once we’ve established that a person is open to flirting, you must wait until they return it unprompted to ask for a date. This is hard AF. Especially, I think, for the menfolk out there dating cis women. Women, generally, are less prone to initiating the flirting. So, if you can’t bank on instigating, you can watch for escalation.

With Viking, that looked like this message I sent after some back-and-forth banter.

“Also, you’re funny. We’re definitely going to try to meet if and when the snow stops and our kids are all healthy at the same time.”

I took the banter and escalated it to a bid for a meeting.

He bit.

Threshold 3: Determine chemistry

This step can only be done in person. I cannot manage to figure out if I want to roll around naked with someone without seeing how they hold themselves in public and how they speak to wait staff or a barista. I need to feel their energy, watch their eyes flame when they smile, and see if they smell as delicious as they look.

With Viking, it was an easy yes when he jogged across the street to the restaurant. It was an easier yes when he interacted with the restaurant staff, and then, when I noticed that his eyes kept the smile even when it left his lips, I was ready.

He could ask me what I was looking for. What sort of dating arrangement suited my needs at the moment? What I hoped to get out of rolling around in the back of his Tacoma on date two.

So, what am I looking for?

I’m looking for interactions with men that remind me of my power and my softness. I want to remember that I can bring a man to his knees, but also know that I don’t have to. I want interactions that allow my innate feminine energy to bubble up and over. To do that, I need to feel both safe and desired.

I’m looking for relationships that feel expansive and free. I’m paying attention to how I feel with someone and whether I feel constrained or released by their attention. I’m looking for the latter.

I’m looking for someone I trust to tie me to the bedpost and destroy me. With women, I can dom when needed, but I’m craving the presence of a man who feels safe enough to fall apart with.

I’m looking for someone to drag on the occasional vacation or business trip to a great locale. Someone who likes long walks on the beach and lists travel as their favorite hobby (kidding… that one was just for you, Viking.)

I’m looking for a date to my favorite sex club once every three months or so. I want someone to see me in that environment and understand why I love it. I want them to get that, for me, it’s about the eroticism and the creative energy it inspires, not about the penetration.

I’m looking for connections that feel wonderful and grounded at the same time. No getting completely swept away, no love bombing, and no unrealistic notions about what my aforementioned circus can handle at the moment. Let’s behave like grown ass folks while we learn about one another.

That list is a start. And, as you can probably see, it’s far too complex for a dating app response.

Is Viking the only person I’ve been on dates with? No, but he currently has top billing on my dance card.

Why? A multitude of reasons, including the way he looked last night after I made him cum for the second time. I watched him for a moment while R&B played in the background. Eyes closed, long hair a disaster, slouched on the couch, me between his thighs, cum still dripping from his cock… but for the purposes of this article, I’ll stick to the topic. We’ve had the “what are you looking for” conversation in bits and pieces over the phone and in person over the past several weeks. The conversations have been a mixture of sharing past pains and newly discovered boundaries.

Knowing when it’s appropriate to have a conversation about what we’re both looking for, and knowing that it doesn’t have to happen all at once, is hot as hell. It lets me know he’s comfortable with himself enough to stand firm in who he is, regardless of how good my blowjobs are. Boundaries, conversations, and banter…hot as hell. Yum.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.