I cannot stress this enough:
- You can only love someone else when you love yourself first
- You must get into a relationship not because you need it but because you want it
Insecurity kills relationships. There are two sides to this.
A) Not being secure with who you are: If you do not have high self-esteem, you will need constant reassurance from external sources to feel worthy. In addition, such a mindset puts a significant burden on our partners. Think about it, you compliment someone, and they say, ‘Oh, you are just saying that!’, or you tell your partner that they are looking good, and they get angry with you for flattering them; who would want to be a part of such a mess?
To find love, we need to be able to be loved, and someone who does not love themselves and is not secure with who they are can never receive love from someone else in a healthy manner.
B) Not being secure about the relationship: Being anxious about your relationship encourages unhealthy behaviors such as jealousy and possessiveness. Instead of having a great time with your partner, I feel bothered when you act based on the fear of them cheating or not being serious with you. And funnily enough, fear of losing makes you lose the other person. If someone has chosen you, give them a chance. As Ankur Warikoo says, ‘you can only know if you can trust someone by actually trusting them.’
Lack of Confrontation
If issues and problems are not discussed and talked about, they stay inside us and manifest as resentment and hurt. Therefore, rather than allowing them to come out negatively, it is always better to have direct conservation with the other person.
If your partner constantly sulks and never discusses their disappointments, you sign up for a toxic and emotionally unintelligent relationship. Vulnerability requires courage; more often than not, the lack of confrontation is a fear of coming across as needy or dependent. We do not want to risk our image and, at the same time, hope that our partners will magically find out what has hurt us, and if they are not doing so, they do not love us.
Get out of your head and talk. Confront people. Give it a try, and you will see that the people who genuinely love you and are mature enough to hold a healthy relationship will hear you and work with you towards a solution. I promise you!
Need for Constant Attention
Write this on your wall: Your relationship must only be a part of your life and not your entire life.
For a relationship to stand the test of time and last forever, both partners must have a life that they love and want to share with the other person. When a relationship takes precedence over all other of life to the extent that you are lacking behind, you are setting up a foundation for unhealthy love. Steven Covey said, ‘Interdependence demands the foundation of personal independence.’
Think about it: If your partner has made an impromptu plan and has to cancel on you, are you mature and independent enough to take that? (Given that this is not happening frequently) Do you have a life you can return to when your partner is not around? If more, you will need constant attention, and that unnecessary pressure on the other person, eventually leading to a possibility of falling out of love.
If you have any questions, hit me up: [email protected]
Thanks for reading.
Check out my other pieces on relationships and life here: Bhanu Singhal
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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