You know the feeling right? It’s similar to the feeling of going downhill on a roller coaster. Your stomach flips and your heart is pounding. You’re laughing and hollering with excitement. For many years I always wondered what it would feel like to fall in love. On the other hand, thinking about love was for suckers. I am a hopeless romantic with a guarded heart, not a fair mix. After being single for all 24 years of my life at the time, I simply figured maybe love was not for me. I had grown comfortable with being single, I focused on what I wanted from life and that was it. Then, one day a person showed up and changed my whole perspective on being in love.
Here’s the story of me falling in love for the first time. In January of last year, I signed up for Match.com. If I wanted to find a real relationship, I needed to pay for it. I used all the free apps that lead to failed dates. I would go on 1–3 dates with a guy and then one of us would ghost. Dating as a millennial is a digital battlefield that I did not have time for. Another point to add was, I enjoyed being single. I could do my own thing and not have to worry about my feelings, that’s the Gemini in me. I cringed at the thought of being vulnerable with someone. I worked hard to build up walls to keep love out and they were not going to be easily broken. I knew my worth as a woman and what I bring to the table. I intended to stay single until I found my equal. Only my equal would deserve the privilege of getting to know me.
Towards the end of January, I was again feeling a lull from this dating app. Then I was scrolling through my “likes” and I saw the man who matched me. He was cute so, I dabble in scrolling through his profile and it seemed like we had a lot in common. I “liked” him back and that night he messaged me. A true love story I know, stay with me. Multiple texts back and forth led to us going on our first date at your typical restaurant-bar combo. He was dressed nicely and smelled like manly heaven. I could feel that we were both nervous but in an exciting way. We sat at the bar, got a couple of drinks, and had your typical first date conversations. He told me that he skipped out on a “boys” weekend upstate because he already had planned a date with me. I started to feel my walls crack. At the end of the date he said he couldn’t wait to see me again and my walls cracked some more.
The week after our first date was my winter break during the school year. That whole week he made an effort to hang out with me. He even drove through a snowstorm to pick me up because I was too scared to drive to him in the snow. My walls cracked even more. He made me feel comfortable and secure with my body. His eyes glowed with interest in me. I never had to question is he was into me. As my Italian father always says, “When a man is interested in you, you’ll know. He will show it.” As my walls were cracking they were replaced with gardens. Those gardens were growing with flowers as my heart began to open up. Cheesy, I know but that’s how it felt. I told him about my chronic anxiety and he did not back down. He held me tight and wanted to support me.
My love was a slow burn. Still cautious every step of the way. I felt appreciated, heard, supported and he could make me laugh like no other. He would commit to strong communication between us, pulling for my vulnerability. He wanted to know all my stories even the dark ones with no judgment. He cared more about my mind than my body. We would have deep conversations about the universe and how we are all connected. We would talk about the ugly sides of humanity. He would listen to me rant about my girl drama. I would listen to him talk about video game scores. He became the person I would call first when something would happen. He would call me every day instead of texting to catch up on our days.
Mywalls eventually faded the day we told me he loved me. Finally, someone said it to me. The moment I envisioned my whole life. He said with effortless joy. I made a scene as I do and said it back immediately. I was someone’s person. I made someone happy and created a strong bond. I felt noticed. My stomach filled with butterflies and my smile could not leave my face. I became someone a person can envision a future with. I found someone who did not give up on me. I found someone who wanted me for me and not just my body. I was in love for the first time in my life. It felt real and natural. It was not this magical moment that’s overplayed in the movies. It was private happiness. It felt like we were the only ones in the world. The weight of my walls was finally off my shoulders. I could trust someone with all that I am. I would have a partner through life. I was no longer going at it alone.
I never imagined marriage was for me or even kids. I thought I would be the cool aunt who travels a lot. I saw relationships as hard work and drama. Which yes, they can be but, there is so much more. You have a person you can talk to about anything. Being in love feels like adding someone to your family. You are a complete person on your own and finding someone that compliments you rather than completes you heightens your mood.
Granted it was terrifying falling in love. Can I trust this person? Will they leave me? Will they turn out to be someone I can’t recognize one day? Will the love burn out one day? Will I have to start all over with someone new? Will they break my heart? Will they take care of me or take advantage of me?
That’s the hard reality being in love faces. There is a major risk of falling in love. Major doubt could settle in around every corner. High risk, high reward though. Falling in love is truly a leap of faith. When you take that leap you feel like the universe is holding you through it all. To love and to feel love are the purest forms of human purpose.
Why do you think so many songs and poems are about love? The reason is the feeling of being in love is a mix of pure happiness and fear. Love makes you do things you never thought you would do. Love gives us a chance to escape the mundane portion of life and experience something beyond we can only credit the universe to.
What does it feel like to fall in love? It feels like spring after a harsh winter. Your cold snow walls melt and flowers emerge and you feel the warm sun on your skin. You glow. You see the world differently and new adventures begin. You let go of control and gain spontaneity. You do not carry the world alone, you have someone to help you. You have someone who highlights the best parts of you and supports the work progress. Fall in love, take that leap. It feels like you’re on a roller coaster, an emotional one at that. Trust me it will be the best ride of your life.
“I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.”–John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
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Previously published on Medium.com.
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Photo credit: Pablo Merchán Montes on Unsplash