What Happens When You Combine Slut-Shaming and Gaslighting?

It was hard for the therapist to understand the woman through her sobs, but one word was perfectly clear: Humiliated. She kept repeating it and her body seemed to shrink in on itself, mirroring her deteriorating sense of self-worth.

The source of this woman’s anguish was a man whom she had met in the usual 21st-century way — online. They had instant digital chemistry and had been communicating with increasing frequency and intensity for months before taking things farther. To her, it felt like the pieces of this emerging relationship had finally clicked into place. But the following day, he shamed her and it all fell apart.

Here’s where you’re probably saying, “Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard this one before.” But this wasn’t slut-shaming; the man took no issue with the sexual intimacy. Instead, he did something that is becoming all too common in the realm of relentless online dating, casual hookups, and situationships: he feelings-shamed her.

If slut-shaming and gaslighting joined forces, that nightmare partnership would produce feelings-shaming. It’s a particularly toxic combination of bullying and manipulation meant to make you question the validity of your own emotional response to a person or situation that has romantic components. If you open up to someone you care about and the response is, “You’re overreacting,” or, “You’re making things too complicated,” or “You’re taking it the wrong way,” you’re likely being feelings-shamed.
The woman whose story I’m sharing made a fatal mistake, in her partner’s mind, by trying to bridge the gap between physical and emotional connection. Once talking had turned to action, expressing her feelings openly felt like the safe and logical next step in their interactions. She set aside the flirty innuendos and banter of their earlier conversations and told him he meant something to her. He told her she was complicating things. And then he all but disappeared from her life, leaving her convinced she had messed up, embarrassed herself in some way, or ruined a chance at happiness.

A person who tries to make you question or feel ashamed of your emotions isn’t necessarily doing it to hurt you (although that’s almost always what happens). They are trying to protect themselves — either from their own feelings, or from commitment, or from vulnerability, or from something else that makes them uncomfortable. To be blunt, feelings-shaming is a go-to move for the cowardly and emotionally immature.

Slut-shaming and gaslighting are hardly exclusive to the digital age, and neither is feelings-shaming. But the current overabundance of choice and romantic opportunity that online dating and social media provide make it easier for people to fill their time with surface-level encounters and avoid real intimacy and its accompanying emotional risks. Those who do try to take things deeper are often made to feel like they’re playing the game incorrectly.

True as it may seem when you’re on the receiving end of romantic rejection, that perception is inaccurate. Feelings aren’t right or wrong — they simply are. Sure, expressing them can be clumsy or have an undesirable outcome. But being true to yourself and your emotions is something to be proud of, not humiliated by.

As for happiness, it can come into your life from unexpected sources, but it will never, never come from someone who shames you for how you feel.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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