What message do we all dread in affair land?
“Don’t message me, I’ve been caught.”
That one.
It’s game over.
All the sweet texts, kiss them goodbye.
The naughty pics.
Every day back and forth.
GONE.
All modes of communication are locked.
You know the drill if you’ve been at “this” long enough. We, seasoned adulterers, won’t reach out. Too much risk. Our affair partner will come to us when they can. If they can. It leaves you shell-shocked, though.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Then the silence is deafening.
For the first time in umpteen years or months, you don’t have your secret friend to fall back on. And you can’t exactly tell your friends and family about your side piece, can you?
You have to grieve in private.
I’ve been there. Weeping in the car alone in parking lots. Trying to find some space where I wouldn’t be interrupted by my prying family.
“Hey, what’s up with you?” wasn’t even a question in my case. No one paid me that much attention. “It’s just mom being mom. Ignore her.”
I was grateful to be ignored for once.
Try keeping tissues handy — that’s my best advice. The voices in my head would start and I’d start sniveling. Suffice to say, I used lots of coverup to hide red splotches from crying jags.
“Do you have allergies?” my clueless hubby would ask.
“Um, yeah. My eyes are going nuts lately,” I’d answer.
He bought it, of course.
Flashbacks to happier times would randomly pop in my brain. “My lover was so damn good in bed. And now I’m alone.” Pity party for one, coming right up!
“Why doesn’t he want me anymore?”
“It could have lasted longer.”
“Oh shit, I have to look again for another AP.”
My damn high libido wasn’t going to roll over and play dead, after all. I needed sex. That meant going through the firing squad of Ashley Madison yet again.
“I’m not ready for that!” I’d wail inwardly. Facing the gauntlet of horny morons seemed more forbidding each new affair. “This, again?” would reverberate. Nooooooo…
How many times can I keep doing this?
When will I age out of adultery?
What about when I’m no longer desirable?
What do I do when we retire?
How can I keep covering up my sex drive?
Why do I have to hide my sexuality?
So many questions with no easy answers.
I should just leave. Get divorced. Bite the damn bullet. Come clean for once. And instead, I’m lying and cheating. And then, lying and cheating some more. I was tired of the charade.
The deafening silence was in my brain and in my heart. No Affair Partner could fulfill it.
Who else has had the echo of silence in adultery land? When your AP has been caught (or almost caught) and needs to lay low.
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Previously Published on Medium
Image credit iStock
