What He Truly Means When He Says “I’m Not Ready for a Relationship”

Every woman has heard this cheap excuse before: “I’m not ready for a relationship.”

You go on dates, meet his family, text every day, and walk his dog. He’s part of your life already. You look like a couple, act like a couple, and feel like a couple.

Except you’re not a couple.

When you confront him about your relationship status, you hear the same old answer: “I’m not ready.” But you’re almost there, right? Actions speak louder than words. If he acts like your boyfriend, he’ll change his mind in no time. So you spend months waiting for him.

When you break up, he meets another woman and starts a relationship in weeks.

The problem was never him. He was ready for a relationship, but not with you.

Women suffered from this manipulation for too long. It makes them waste time, money, and energy in a relationship that never stood a chance. In the end, you’re heartbroken and wonder what you did wrong (after all, the problem was you).

No, the problem wasn’t you. The problem was his cheap excuse.

Let me tell you what’s behind “I’m not ready for a relationship” and how he manipulates you.

It sounds legit.

Relationships are life-changing decisions. It changes your routine, financial status, and mental health. You may not think about it, but you’ll spend most of your free time with your partner.
So it’s perfectly normal to be careful with this decision.

When a man says he isn’t ready, you assume he takes this seriously. He’s looking for a great partner and doesn’t want to rush it. Maybe he wants to work on himself before committing to someone else. Even better: he wants to be careful not to hurt your feelings.

Relationships are made of two whole parts, not two halves. So taking the time to grow individually is a legit excuse.

That’s why when you hear a man say he’s not ready, you don’t think he’s a monster. You think the opposite: he’s a nice guy because he was honest. It doesn’t raise a red flag because this vulnerability makes you trust him even more. You may even be grateful for this honesty.

There are reasons to believe this excuse is legit. Except none of them is true.

Here’s why:

He can work on himself while he’s with you.
If he treats you well, he won’t hurt you.
Honesty is the bare minimum you should expect from a relationship.

This lie is compelling, but you shouldn’t believe it. When you give it a second thought, you notice that none of this is true. If he gives you so many reasons not to be with you, he doesn’t want to be with you.

A man who wants to be with you will find reasons to be with you (not the opposite).

Inconsistency paralyzes you.

When a man treats you like you’re in a relationship but says he’s not ready is inconsistent. He says one thing but does another.

This inconsistency paralyzes you.

Inconsistency is extremely confusing. You want to look for patterns and interpret his behavior, but you can’t reach any conclusions. You don’t know if you stay, go, text, or make plans. Any action feels wrong.

Instead of acting, you stay stuck.

The only person who benefits from this outcome is him. This man wants to have fun with you but not make you official. He wants to keep this situation exactly like it is. So when you’re paralyzed, you stay available for him. If you take action, you may leave (and that’s not what he wants).

I’m not saying he does it on purpose. He might genuinely believe he’s not ready for a relationship. And I’m sure he enjoys spending time with you.

But this inconsistency is a major red flag.

Healthy relationships are based on trust. When you choose a partner, you’ll share your life with this person. You want to rely on your partner to make plans, build a family, and help you when necessary.

Your partner needs to be consistent with his words and actions.

You’re responsible for your feelings.

Now you may say, “men are horrible and manipulative!” But I’m here to give you another perspective.

You should be responsible for your emotions.

Life is a single-player game. The only person who will be with you from the moment you’re born until you die is you. Yes, you may share your life with others. But you’re ultimately responsible for your life.

Other people may lie, manipulate, and hurt you. But they’re not responsible for you.

It’s your job to assess your feelings. You have to watch attitudes, make impartial decisions, and analyze situations. Red flags never grow out of nowhere. They’re there from the start. So it’s your job to find (and listen to) them.

Don’t blame others for how you feel. Maybe you were too attached. Maybe you created expectations when you shouldn’t have. Or maybe you ignored too many red flags.

You can’t expect others to be emotionally responsible to you if you don’t do your part. It sounds harsh, but it’s a mature perspective on relationships.

You’ll know if he likes you.

People are extremely straightforward with their actions. Nobody does things to manipulate others on purpose. You just do what you want.

That’s why “I’m not ready for a relationship” is a cheap excuse.

If he truly wanted to be in a relationship, he’d do everything for it. He’d call you, treat you well, move in together, and do his best to be a great boyfriend. So when he says one thing but does another, trust his actions better than his words.

A man who genuinely likes you will never risk losing you.

You don’t have to be a fortune-teller to read people’s minds. You just have to watch their actions.

…

“I’m not ready for a relationship” is the ultimate form of manipulation because it’s a lie. What makes it worse is that he believes he’s honest because he was upfront from the beginning.

Except saying one thing and acting like another is manipulation.

Don’t get me wrong: he’s not a monster because he doesn’t want to be with you. But a decent man would be consistent with his words and actions. He may not intend to manipulate you, but the least he can do is step back if he’s confused.

Inconsistency is a major red flag.

You can’t start a relationship expecting to change others. So even if it develops into something serious, this inconsistency may show again in other forms. There’s no way around it: when you accept someone’s behavior, you communicate your standards. So don’t take less than you deserve.

If you’re dating someone who makes you confused: leave.

…

If you enjoyed this article, consider getting a Medium membership. You’ll get access to countless thought-provoking stories. If you’re a writer, here’s a great opportunity to make money: I made $707.76 in my third month here.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***