A man that I “have some energy for,” as someone labeled the status of my heart, said adios a number of months ago now. It’s no great wonder why he needed space – the circumstances surrounding us being together stirred up relentless pain.
I don’t think the odds favor me much, but I still like to hope that the adios is temporary and not permanent. I was so happy. It was thrilling to meet a man who was beyond my wildest dreams and just became moreso as I began to know him a little better.
Usually, in hindsight you see this flaw and that flaw in a person, but he just looks better and better in hindsight. I enjoyed the smile on his face and the spring in his step that I brought to him. In some ways everything was so easy and natural and it was enjoyable on its own merit, but it was also all the much more ecstatic after going through such an extended period of time striving and surviving and dreading what crap thing was going to happen next. No other man will ever be the one that made that specific moment of trying to rebuild my life after crawling out from under a rock so happy and so hopeful and so full of so many gifts that brought so much life to my heart. Only he will ever own that.
Sometimes I feel stupid hanging on like this. Jerks hit on me and think they are entitled to me because they perceive that being controlled and manipulated by them must be better than being single. No! So many kinds of wrong going on there! Absolutely not!
In contrast, men who make a very good first impression are tempting to be lighthearted with, but there really is no such thing as lightheartedness with the caliber of like-minded men I appreciate. We take our hearts seriously and are playing to win. I am not going to disrespect a man that I appreciate but that I know full well that he will never win my already won heart by even going on a single date with him and messing with his heart like that. Sometimes guys get stereotyped with the notion that they don’t have feelings and they only think with the brain in their pants, but a quality man is far deeper than that and should be respected as such.
Waiting and hoping and not acting can be frustrating. But that is a small price to pay for the surety of how something could have turned out. If I wait and he comes back, we will both be with the person we want. If I wait and he does not come back, I will know that I gave the best I could to give favorable circumstances to the dream I wanted most. So either way, waiting seems best.
Also, some of the heartache that was a challenge for me when I stood up for my feelings for this man last year could very well happen again if this man and I have any interaction at all with each other. I wish that people in my life could just be happy for me that I found someone so special to me, even if it does end up that I lost him for good. And if they still don’t like the man that I have some energy for, I think they would find the men I appreciate to be even less desirable by their standards.
But my heart is less concerned with telling other people’s hearts what to do or how to feel and more concerned with what is right for me. Keeping my hopes a little up that perhaps the man I have some energy for will want to have anything to do with me is what is right for me in this moment. I choose to stay hopeful and right now that is how I’ve got this.
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