What I Learned From 35 Dates

It takes 2 to tango

Remember the date is as much about you as the other person. Don’t get consumed with worry about your date’s experience to the neglect of yours.

Don’t wing it

Always — and i mean always! — book somewhere, unless you are going for a walk in a park. Do not arrange to meet at a pub or bar without having a table reservation. Don’t wing it!

Winging it can make for a shitty date. You might end up under someone’s armpit or near a speaker and have to shout so your date can hear you. Also, booking somewhere says a lot about you: you are considerate and put effort into the date. If you do go for a walk date, make sure the weather is reasonably warm. It’s really hard to have chemistry when you are cold and battling the elements.

Get personal

Unless you’re only looking for a fun night out, ask any hot-button questions that are relevant to any strong beliefs you hold. The saying goes, “don’t talk about religion, money or politics”. Some of these can already be filtered out through dating profiles, but you don’t want to find out five dates in that you are diametrically opposed in these areas.

From my experience, people respond very differently in person than text message to these types of questions. Be respectful if your dates opinions on these hot-button topics differ from yours. You don’t need to perform a conversion. If you are easy going and not that passionate about anything like this, ignore the above.

You’re not James Bond

Do not preempt your date’s choice of drink and order for her — this isn’t a movie. It won’t come across as confident, and instead, it will be interpreted as arrogant and irritating — unless she has told you what her drink is in a previous conversation.

Confidence is key

Women like confidence. Confidence wins over self deprecation. You don’t have to actually be confident, simply come across as confident; you can fake it. Admittedly, I’m not the best at this, unless i’ve had a couple of drinks before we meet. However, I’m erring on the side of sober dates lately. I prefer the clarity and don’t trust my alcohol brain to make the right decisions for me.

Be realistic

Realise that the woman you matched with on a dating app is probably messaging three other guys. Women have a much higher response rate and more matches than men. As we are led to believe, 80% of women go for the top 20% of men. That means the remaining 80% of men are competing for the remaining 20% of women.

Relax and get out of your head

You see some guys put way too much pressure on the date having to be an absolute success. Don’t get all up in your head. Who gives a shit?! It’s only a date. You can call it quits when you want. You don’t have to see the person again. But always be decent and respectful.

To cut and run or stay?

My own view is to make the night as enjoyable as possible, even if you know there is no chemistry. You can still have a fun time and get to know someone new. Others prefer to call it a night and leave early.

Data protection

Don’t give out any personal details, such as your address or place of work, etc. I had a friend who went on a date with a woman who then turned up at his work the next day, in floods of tears. She was trying to drag him out of work and asking him why he didn’t want to see her again (i’ve seen the CCTV footage). This was after one date!

Do your homework

Arrange to have a phone call with your date before meeting. This can save so much time in the compatibility department. People don’t have time to curate the perfect answer to your message over the phone, so you’ll get more of a true sense of the person.

Dear diary

Keep a dating journal. I didn’t do this and really regret not doing so. It would have been good to look back on those experiences and learn the dos and don’ts from each date.

Rejection is part of the game

Don’t take rejection too deeply. You will be rejected and you’ll also reject people. It happens. Relax! And it should happen as well. We are complex creatures that vary in all sorts of ways, these variations mean rejection is a natural response that will happen at times.

As much as people say they don’t judge, they do. We do it all the time, and sometimes it happens without us even being aware of it: our subconscious will be pulling the levers for us. And you should judge, otherwise what are you? Some vacant creature without principles and moral beliefs that’s okay with anything? But make sure you reject for the right reasons. This leads me to my next point.

FOMO is not your friend

FOMO (fear of missing out). This one deserves a whole video in and of itself. This can be the difference between being stuck on the dating treadmill and having a meaningful relationship. There are so many people to match with and like that we become hyper-critical. Or we have matched and been on a date with someone we really like, but then fall into the mindset of thinking someone even better maybe a few swipes away — and it goes on! You end up constantly window shopping and missing out on having a relationship. As the saying goes, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Dress to impress

Dress to impress. It seems obvious, but I have been on a few dates where my date told me about guys that hadn’t made an effort — and it put them off from the get go.

Relax

Make your date feel comfortable and at ease.

Feel special

Make your date feel special, like she is the only person who has your attention. Don’t check your phone or let your eyes wander.

This is far from an exhaustive list on dating advice; it’s simply observations and things learned by me over many dates. Please feel free to add to my list or disagree with it in the comments section.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

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