What I Thought I Knew About Unconditional Love

Dear Justin,

Welcome to the world.

You were my rainbow baby and I’ve loved you before I met you.

By nature, I am not a selfish person, nor do I consider myself a selfless one. You have become an exception. I’ve never imagined that I will be capable of having this much love for another human being.

I am in my 37th week of pregnancy today. I am going through a lot of pains. My hands hurt so much from the swelling that I can barely move my wrists. I’ve dropped the water bottle four times in a row and never felt so useless. I limp around the house as back pains continue to torment me in every position. Waking up eight times a night to the bathroom has never been so hard. I’ll be lying if I told you I can go through all of this selflessly. There were moments that I desperately wanted you to be out of me so all of this can be over.

I want to be myself again.

But moments like that are often fleeting. I would catch myself mid-thought, guilty that those thoughts would even occur in the first place. If you still need me to be your shelter for another few weeks, I will continue being your shield without skipping a heartbeat.

. . .

Justin, I know that I was never alone in this journey.

I’ve carried you for nine long months. We went everywhere together. You went to work with me as a tiny peanut, cried with me during my emotional spells, delighted me with your cute hiccups when we tried something delicious, and never failed to encourage me with your little kicks when I felt down. In these nine months, my job was to be your shelter while your job was to grow. As I watched my weight go up exponentially on the scale, not once did I regret my decision to have you.

No words can describe how excited I am for your arrival. Will you arrive early or just in time? I must’ve imagined how you looked like a thousand times in my head. I’ve rehearsed the moment when I first lay my eyes on you over and over again — the moment when you emerge from me, crying at the top of your lungs, the moment that I vow to take care of you for the rest of my life.