What I Wish I Knew Before Going Into Relationships

My first girlfriend was my high school sweetheart and classmate. I crushed on her for over two years. As we moved higher in class, and boys slowly evolve into men, my courage also evolved. So I made my move.

Her response kinda placed me on the fence.

“But you know we’re still young! What do we do with a relationship?”

I was mute. “What a smart question,” I thought.

I had rehearsed sweet rhymes and a romantic speech, but I did not see this coming. She walked away, leaving me stammering and struggling to find an answer to her question.

Two years later, we’re on a night-call together. And she’s teasing me.

“You know I don’t ever remember telling you, Yes.” She teased. To which I said, “It doesn’t matter whether or not you did. Right now, you’re mine! And that’s all that matters.”

We both laughed and talked for hours. And end up falling asleep on the call. On the phone, we did everything; we made love — we fought and made up. This would be the norm for the next five years.

However, as we grew up, we sorta grew complicated. Life happened. And I guess we didn’t know how to handle the responsibilities of life coupled with the challenges of young and naive love.

When I and Evelyn went our separate ways, it took the wind out of me. I had to find myself again. We were together for so long and so into each other’s life that we sorta lost our individual identity. A byproduct of being exclusively intimate with one particular person for a very long time.

Since then, I’ve been in a few relationships. Some were serious, and others were somewhat serious. For the most part, I struggled in many of these relationships. After my first relationship ended, I didn’t realize there was still so much I didn’t understand about love and relationship. And that ignorance cost me a lot.

A relationship is a game we play as young people that we don’t fully understand. It wasn’t until I began to experience a lot of emotional and mental challenges that I knew I had to take a closer look at love and relationships.

Looking back, these are the things I wish I have known before I started dating.

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A relationship isn’t a means to an end…

As a child, I lacked a solid emotional relationship with my parents which made me feel misunderstood. Looking back, I believe it was the desire for intimacy that drove me into desiring love and a romantic relationship.

Of course, at the time, I was young and didn’t see this emotional and psychological incentive. It was masked by; ‘everyone’s getting a girlfriend, so let’s do it.’

But in truth, I wanted to feel loved, seen, and valued and I used relationships for that end.

It’s selfish to use someone — whether innocently or not. It’s unhealthy to go into a relationship so you don’t feel lonely. By going into a relationship as a means to an end, you drag another person into your mess and you may end up hurting them.

Outside love never makes up for the love missing inside…

Like myself, a lot of young people go into relationships because they seek to be loved.

I took a long and hard look into my heart. And I know, for the most part, I was broken. Even though I was raised by parents that worked hard to provide for me.

Dad was a sensitive, introverted but busy man. And even though mom stayed home most of the time, she wasn’t one that was emotionally astute. So growing up, I had an unmet emotional need. Which forced me into an early relationship hoping to fill that void.

But I soon learned that no matter how much love we get outside, it’s never enough to make up for the one missing inside of us that we lacked as children. We’re the only ones that can fill that void.

You’re the denominator in every relationship…

My relationships have never been perfect. There’s been a lot of fights. A lot of quarrels, breakups, and make-ups.

No matter who am with, and no matter how much I feel for them, there’s always something to fight over. Differences may be in opinion or upbringing. At one point, I blamed everyone but myself. I thought, they were just ill-mannered and didn’t understand me.

But when the same issue continues to rise with everyone you meet, you should look in the mirror. And that’s what I did.

What I found was that I was the common denominator in these relationships. I’ve learned that no one is flawless. And relationship shouldn’t be about finding the perfect person. Because life, itself, isn’t about finding ourselves but creating ourselves.

Today, I’ve learned to be accountable and to take responsibility for my words as well as my actions. A self-development journey I’m willing to stay on.

Relationships amplify who we are…

A relationship might be a safe haven or a place of solace, but it doesn’t absolve us of our flaws. Just as they say about circumstance, that circumstance doesn’t make people, rather it reveals them. So do relationships.

I got into my first relationship because I thought I loved my first ex. But looking deep down, I wanted to feel loved because I was lonely. Though she loved me and I loved her, it didn’t stop me from feeling lonely.

This is the lesson I’m marinating over before going into marriage. Marriage will not fill the void in my soul. Nor will it guarantee a life of me not feeling lonely. Rather it will amplify it. And by using your partner to heal your insecurities, you may end up overworking or even hurting them in your relationship.

That doesn’t mean two people can’t work together to be better. But you should be open with your partner and see how you can work together.

Love is a responsibility…

Young love is usually sweet, but notoriously naive. No young person goes into a relationship saying I want to take on responsibility. However, that’s exactly what a relationship is.

Going into a relationship isn’t only about having your emotional needs meant. It’s also about meeting someone’s own emotional need. To make a decision to be there when they need you. Not only when times are good. But also when things are rough. Especially when things are rough.

So as you fancy that good-looking partner, you should know love is a journey of growth and discovery. There are times you’d need to sit down and have difficult conversations.

In relationships, there’s no cherry-picking. Have fun when it’s fun. And strap up when shit gets turbulence. It’s not all roses, Netflix, and chilling…

And finally… love is a gamble!

After my first relationship ended, as I said, I struggled with subsequent relationships. Some didn’t work out due to obvious differences in personalities. But many didn’t work out because I was gamed.

Just as there are people out there that genuinely seek serious relationships, there are more people who are simply playing games. And when you happen to meet someone who is equally serious, there are many factors that could ruin the relationship, like compatibility and deep core values.

Love is a gamble. Some find it on their first try and it stays all their life. Some find it and lose it. And some may never find it. This is something I wish someone had told me earlier.

This isn’t to scare you. It’s to teach you. There’s no need to put a wall and fend everyone off. You don’t want to put yourself behind a wall that keeps out disappointments but sadly also keeps out happiness.

So allow yourself to be brave. For it’s only the brave heart that finds love.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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