I was there to discuss freezing my eggs and the possibility of having children on my own. Single motherhood, a path I never thought I’d seriously consider. As we went through my options, the doctor casually mentioned that I might still find a husband to have a family with. I nodded, considering it as something that could potentially happen. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love for it to be true, but at this point, it feels more like wishful thinking than a real possibility.
Lately I’ve been asking myself: would I rather have kids alone, or would I prefer to have an ‘okay enough’ partner to have a family with? I’d prefer the second, yet the thought of giving up my biggest dream, finding the love of my life, seems almost unbearable. The alternative though, waiting for the love of my life, the man of my dreams, who adores me as I adore him, who makes me feel safe and seen, and to whom I give my unwavering love and support, hasn’t brought me any closer to actually finding him.
It has only left me here, alone, at 35, considering becoming a single mom. I’ve been alone for most of the last five years. I’ve dated, but none of the men I’ve met really made the cut for what I truly want in my life, my dream partner. I might have to come to terms with the fact:
He simply doesn’t exist…
A Fantasy Fairytale
Since I was a little girl, I’ve dreamt of true love, and meeting the man every girl desires. The one who chooses you, who puts you above all else. A true, noble man with honest values and a warrior’s heart, who leads a worthy life. A man to be proud of. But where are these knights in shining armor? The ones who would die for the woman they love? Where is my real-life Ryan Gosling (The Notebook reference, obviously), who knew it was me from the moment he laid eyes on me? The man who gives his heart wholly and fully to one woman, unable to ever forget?
Am I too much of an old soul? Too traditional? Have I been misled by movies and TV shows into believing in a perfect love that doesn’t exist?
Is this what love has become? Swiping through dating apps, looking at guys “poppin bottles,” chasing women just to get them into bed rather than making an honest woman out of them? Is this what modern-day heroes look like?
Honestly, I’m worried, both for myself, and for humanity. What is happening to the world? Where is the honor, the pride? Where are the values? We need noble knights, men who fight for their countries, their loved ones, their beliefs.
Has life always been like this? Were those old knights any different, spilling wine from their bronze cups on a night out with their mates, stumbling past the brothels on their way home, only to crawl into bed with their loving wives and give them syphilis?
A Modern-Day Love Crisis
Men, to me, seem so utterly immature. Are they incapable? Driven only by stupidity and sexual needs? Are we, as women, destined to become disappointed mothers, scolding them for leaving their armors on the floor after coming home drunk at 3 a.m.?
Maybe I’m romanticizing the ancient past. Maybe it’s easier to assume that men were once worthy rather than accept reality, where the only way to meet a man is to find one still unhinged on a dating app and lower my standards by approximately 98%.
But it’s not just the men. Modern women have their flaws, too. Because yes, I know good men exist. Men who clean up their socks, come home every night for dinner, and probably make their partner coffee every morning before heading to work. I actually know one of those men: my dad.
My dad had his boyish traits. He and my mom had their fights. He was playful, popular with the ladies, a charm my mother wasn’t always a fan of. But beneath all that, he was the noble knight I’ve been talking about. He worked hard to take care of his family. He bought my mother flowers regularly and brought her tea and breakfast in bed every single day of their marriage. And when I say every single day, I mean every single day, at least for as long as I lived at home.
An Unreachable Standard
My dad was a hard worker. Even on his days off, he’d get up early, read the newspaper, go to the store, buy groceries, and do the chores. Even the cleaning. By the time we woke up, he had already taken care of everything. Then, his day continued: He would take us to our sports games, and he’d always watch every single one. The only reason he’d miss a game is if me and my brother would play at the same time, or if he’d have to work overtime.
For the rest of the weekend, he’d drive us around, to go see our friends, or he would make pancakes for the whole neighborhood if we were at home.
My dad devoted himself completely to his family. He was a humble and honorable man. Now, at 72 and ill, he still carries the same charm he had as a young man. He’s still wildly popular wherever he goes. Women still stop him in the supermarket just to talk to him, to ask how he’s doing. He’s old and gray now, but he never lost that remarkable charm. And what makes him even more attractive is that he has always been, and always will be, loyal to my mother. He would never cheat, despite my mother definitely not being the easiest woman to appease.
He is utterly remarkable. No matter what challenges he faces, my dad remains positive. He makes the most of every day. Even when things aren’t going well, when life is unfair, he accepts it and remains the wonderful husband and father he has always been. Whatever life throws at him, he still shows up, he can still be counted on. He is still present.
The Knight Who Taught Me Love
All this causes an issue. My father is the man to whom I compare every single man I meet. He is the reason I swipe left (meaning no), over and over, when I see another mirror selfie in the gym, from a guy who clearly has a different idea of the meaning of manhood. Perhaps my dad is to blame for me being single. He set the bar so high that no man ever seems to measure up.
But honestly, even if I could choose, I wouldn’t have it any other way. If experiencing the love of a father like mine comes at the cost of having a partner, I’ll accept. It has been an honor to have him in my life. A man who lived fully, devoted to his wife, his children, and his work. Who fulfilled every role he had in life with unwavering dedication. Who did right by everyone, and always acted with integrity, regardless of how he was treated.
I can only aspire to be as honorable a person as he is. And also in that, he has set the bar so high, I don’t know if I can ever reach it. But I will try. I will try to make him proud. Which, lucky me, he already is proud, always, regardless of my accomplishments. Even when he is disappointed in me, he still shows pride in me. And that is what makes disappointing him hurt even more, because I know he will love me just the same.
Love That Never Leaves
As I write this, my heart feels heavy with love and grief all at once. My eyes well up. Life is forcing me to face what I never wanted to: a world without him in it. Knowing I won’t have him forever feels different now that this reality is coming closer. But even when that day comes, I know he won’t really be gone. He’ll still be present in the way I love, in the way I show up in the world, and in the lessons he spent a lifetime passing down to me
I can’t imagine what life will be like without him, but I will always be grateful. From the moment I was born, I had the privilege of knowing what it feels like to be loved by a truly good man. He is my father, my hero, and I’ll love him for the rest of my life. The truth is that some people can’t ever really leave us. It’s the pieces of them that become part of who we are. He is in my heart, my choices, my voice. And because of that, I will never truly lose him.
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