If you effectively ask for your loved one to right a wrong he committed, you might find that he’s interested in what you have to say and will do everything he can to please you and become a better person in the process. He just might surprise you and change. If that happens, it should be an easy matter to forgive once you can trust that it won’t happen again. You might still have your moments of terror if something triggers you into believing the problem’s back, but you’ll be able to put those fears to rest after you alert him of the warning signs and he takes you seriously. The best road to reconciliation is through authentic change. Anything less than authentic change is a bad road, full of detours, that might not go where you’re wanting to go.
There are many cases, though, when you ask for what you need, and never seem to get what you’re looking for. What could possibly have gone wrong? What more do you have to do?
The problem could be you, the problem could be him, or the problem could be the problem.
The problem could be you
You might have committed an error in the way you went about asking for an apology and cultivated change. Ask yourself the following questions to see if your methodology is wrong. See if you could be getting in your own way.
• Do I expect him to change when I won’t?
• Did I accurately describe the harm he’s doing?
• Am I looking for a kind of justice that doesn’t satisfy me?
• Have I asked for what I want, or have I asked for trouble?
• Have I failed to give him credit when he did what I asked?
If you can say yes to any of those questions, or you’re not sure of the answers, go back and try again.
The problem is your partner
I knew a woman who had a snake for a pet. It was a beautiful snake, but she complained it didn’t bark when someone came to the house. She took her snake to the park, threw it a Frisbee, but it failed to catch it. She cuddled with it on the couch while she watched television, but it wasn’t soft, fuzzy, or nice to pet.
If it’s not you, then you have to ask yourself, Is it him? Could your loved one be a snake when you want a dog? Was he a snake when you met him? If that’s the case, true reconciliation is impossible. The best you can do is arrive at Personal Peace.
Those who can’t change
There’s a second category of people who are the problem. Dead people. You might have been hurt by someone who up and died before you could reconcile with them. They’re incapable of hurting you anymore, except by what your memory of them does to you. You can’t expect them to change, so you’ll have to change the way you think about them.
You might have a similar problem with people who have hurt you in the past who are still alive, but you never see them anymore. Just like the dead people, they can’t hurt you, except by what your memory of them does to you. You can’t ask them to change, either. They would have no reason to please you.
You can’t complain to dead people or people you don’t see and expect them to change. True reconciliation is impossible with them; but I think you can arrive at a sense of personal peace. I’ll write about that later.
The problem is the problem
When a person is set in their ways, or is addicted, it can be hard for them to change. To understand what you’re up against, remember the last time you took a walk in the woods.
You probably walked on a path when you walked in the woods. It’s easier that way. Others have gone before and cleared a way for you. It takes you somewhere. It might even be marked.
Consider what makes a path. It starts off with small animals gathering nuts, seeking food, pursuing mates, and escaping danger. They begin to wear out a trail that the larger animals take advantage of because it makes their travel easier. The deer and the bear begin to travel the same way that the squirrels and raccoons went. Then the humans take the same path because they’re chasing the deer or running away from the bear and they’d rather not have briars lashing their faces.
There’s one final step. Plants will not grow on an established path. All those briars, they’ll grow somewhere else where they won’t be disturbed. The more a path is established, the more the rest of the forest will be dense and impenetrable.
The brain is like the woods. When it thinks and acts, it takes a path. When it takes a path often enough, the path becomes well marked and easy to follow. It becomes automatic. You don’t even have to think about it. Alternate thoughts and actions become more and more difficult to access.
If you look at anyone with a well-established addiction, their brain is like a superhighway straight to the drug. Are you having a good day? Let’s celebrate and get high. Are you angry, sad, frustrated? Getting high is the cure. Did your doctor just tell you your liver’s shot? Did your probation officer threaten to put you in jail? Your wife just left? Your daughter won’t talk with you? Get high, get high, get high. The more the addict goes to the drug, the clearer and easier the path becomes.
At some point, the addict decides the path she made doesn’t take her where she wants to go. Then she has to make like Lewis and Clark and blaze a new trail. For her to change, she has to step off the easy trail, right into where all the briars are, and hack a new way. It’s bushwhacking: hard work, easy to get lost, and tempting to return to the old trail.
The same is true with anybody with any habit, good or bad. When you finish dinner and can’t rest until you’ve washed the dishes, that’s the path you have established. When your husband takes it easy and doesn’t help you: that’s his path. Changing that pattern may take the perseverance of Stanley and Livingstone, for both of you.
The thing is though: the brain is like the woods. When you jump up to do the dishes, you take a path. When you let him do the dishes, or do anything other than the usual way, a new path becomes established. In time, the old path becomes overgrown and more difficult to find.
To sum things up, if you find that nothing changes, the problem could be you, the problem could be him, or the problem could be the problem. Some problems, by their very nature, are resistant to change. Some problems just take over a relationship.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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