“If you’re looking for a partner to give you a buzz, take up skydiving.”
~ Narcissism expert Richard Grannon.
Spring of 2021 I decided what the heck and started dating again (thank you Covid vaccine). I wasn’t sure I was fully healed from the narcissist, but I hoped I had enough stability and understanding to judge potential suiters reasonably well and also, to protect myself. I went on some dates off Match.com, had a few catfishing attempts (yay YouTube for teaching me how to spot these), met a nice guy or two and one huge jerk who revealed his true nature on the second date, thank you very much. But nothing sparked until July, when I met my current partner, also via Match. People ask me, how did you know it was ok, especially after all you’d been through? And the first thing that comes to mind is that he was just so appropriate.
I remember getting in my car after we had tea that afternoon with a smile on my face and thinking, wow, that was appropriate! And also thinking, what an odd thing to think after a first date. What an odd reason to want to see someone again. Except if you’ve been a target of narcissistic abuse, it isn’t odd at all, it’s healthy.
Obviously, on a first date we need to feel some sort of potential, some possibility of connection. Someone who is dull, keeps things very much on the surface, and/or doesn’t ask anything at all about us is probably not going to make it further, even though they are not being inappropriate. But there is a calibration here early on in getting to know someone, because the evidence shows that too much interest, too many questions, and going too deep right away can be a huge red flag that the person is a manipulator looking for a target.
So what’s the difference between inappropriate and appropriate interest on a first date? Here are a few ideas:
| First Date Inappropriate | First Date Appropriate |
| Being overly complimentary. | Being attentive and showing they are happy to be there with you. |
| Referencing sex in any way. | No sex talk, please. Not at this point. |
| Talking about exes, what went wrong in previous relationships, asking you the same. | Keeping focus on more neutral topics. Asking about your work, for example. |
| Asking what you are looking for in a relationship. | Keeping focus on more neutral topics. |
| Asking a lot of questions about your background, family, upbringing, etc., especially about how you feel. | Keeping conversation fairly light. Saving questions about feelings for further on. |
| The six-hour date. Going from coffee to dinner to a walk etc. | The one to two-hour date. |
| “Future faking” in any way. Proposing trips together, we should do this or that, etc. | Staying in the now, and not proposing anything more than the next get-together. |
Of course this is not to say that the stuff in the “inappropriate” column is wrong in any absolute way. They are just a big old red flags on a first date. Of course you are going to talk about exes, what you want in a relationship, plans for the future and yes, sex. Just not the first time you meet someone.
Why are the things in the inappropriate column red flags for a first date? At least three reasons:
~ ONE, some aspects mentioned can be an attempt to love bomb you, making you feel this is the perfect relationship you’ve been waiting for. Long first dates also help to make you feel you are already somewhat invested in the relationship–the more time we spend with someone, the more bonded we begin to feel.
~ TWO, some aspects can be an attempt to gather information on your vulnerabilities to store away for future use to devalue and destabilize you. What seems like attentive interest can unfortunately simply be a way to manipulate you down the road.
~ THREE, some aspects (for example, early talk about sex) can be an attempt to test you to see what you will put up with. How permeable are your boundaries?
A first date that stays in the “appropriate” column may not be as initially exciting. This is partially because people who are appropriate don’t tend to destabilize your nervous system. But, to paraphrase Richard Grannon in the above quote, if you’re looking for a buzz, take up skydiving. If you’re looking for a partner, go for the ones who know how to be appropriate on a first date and give it time to unfold.
—
Previously Published HERE and is republished on Medium.
—
Photo credit: iStock
