The past week has been a complete dichotomy for me in terms of my emotions owing to two polar opposite shows that I have binge watched on Netflix. The first show is called ‘Indian Match Making’ where a self proclaimed professional matchmaker is paid for playing cupid between single men and women in the Indian society who are looking for a potential life partner.
This show made me cringe with every frame, as it represented or rather misrepresented India’s regressive mindset and its archaic system of arranged marriages, a concept which is a little too familiar for me as I have grown up in a traditional Indian household.
On the other hand is the show ‘Love on the Spectrum’ which is about young men and women who’re diagnosed with Autism or are on the Autism spectrum, along with various other disabilities such as hearing difficulties, social anxiety, etc and how they are navigating the daunting world of finding love and a potential life partner.
While watching this show, I felt every bit of my frozen heart thawing slowly because of the raw emotions, the uninhibited acceptance of being on the spectrum, and finding love and joy amidst it all.
The sole point of difference between the two shows is that ‘Love on the Spectrum’ is all about love, the one thing we all need to live a happy life. Each person is asked what love means to them and the answers are so real that they tugged at the corners of my heart.
. . .
Michael, who is 25 and on the spectrum, is ready to meet the woman of his dreams. For him, love means acceptance. He is so sure that he is about to meet the girl meant for him that he already has the design of the ring picked out, which is in the shape of a crown because she will be his queen.
While his response was filled with innocence and made me melt like an ice cream on a hot summer day, in our culture and on ‘Indian Match Making,’ there is no place for such beautiful emotions. Or for people who are considered ‘not normal’ by society.
For us, we are never asked what it means to fall in love by anyone. It is assumed that once we come of age, we will be married and we will leave the comforts of our home to live in a stranger’s home.
I would like to believe that the show represents a small section of India and that we have made progress in our way of thinking, but having had such experiences myself, it is hard to do so.
There is a matchmaker who is charging your parents to fulfil your list of expectations from a potential partner and the list includes things like the bank balance of the guy, how ‘slim-trim-tall’ the girl is, how willing is she to give up her career and ‘compromise or adjust’ in the man’s family, how big the guy’s house is and so on.
Although there is nothing wrong in having preferences, the whole system is so removed from real feelings of love that it feels like marriages in our culture are only to save our families from being disgraced, because it is society’s expectation that you be married by a certain age, whether or not you fall in love with someone who feels the same way.
. . .
One of the most heart warming moments on ‘Love on the Spectrum’ is the episode about Maddie, a young girl who is autistic and is getting ready to meet someone for the second time.
After an unsuccessful first date, her parents decide to boost her confidence by simulating a date for her in their home, by acting out the guy’s part. They help Maddie pick out an outfit, practise her communication skills and by the end of it, she feels more confident than ever in meeting a new person.
In stark contrast to this, on ‘Indian Match Making,’ when a strong headed girl who is a lawyer and is independent and confident in her own life rejects a few men, she is called picky and tough to match, because she is a lawyer and Indian men are scared of successful women!
Not once does anyone ask her what love means to her. Not once.
. . .
Don’t we all have the right to fall in love? How does my age, career, or my past take away this right from me?
After I finished the show, all my own insecurities hit me together. Since my husband passed away, and I became a young widow, I have been made to feel like it will be difficult to find another partner for me now.
There have been multiple occasions where people have made it a point to let me know that I’ll have to settle for a man who is a divorce or a widower himself, since finding a guy who hasn’t been married before will be difficult.
Though it is absolutely fine to meet a man who has also lost a partner, putting me or rather all of us in a ‘blacklist’ is what bothers me. Why do we always discriminate?
It is in these moments that I feel responsible for my husband’s death, even though it was a freak accident. Just because I was married to a man I loved so much and I lost him, now I may not be good enough for the arranged marriage market, where men and their families would prefer a girl without a past like mine.
. . .
The two favourite words on ‘Indian Match Making’ are ‘adjust and compromise.’ These are also two words I have grown up listening to all my life, because adjusting and compromising are the only ways to make a marriage work in my culture.
However, watching ‘Love on the Spectrum’ has given me a new perspective of looking at not just my own life, but the world around me.
If people who are living their whole lives trying to navigate small things like eye contact, communication, their own emotions and aspirations, are still willing to open their hearts up, then who am I to complain?
I am not unworthy of love, just because I lost a partner. In fact, I know more than anyone else what love means now that I’ve lost it once. It has taught me how to cherish another person even more now, no matter what people around me choose to believe.
Love is simple.
It is uncomplicated. It is acceptance. It is healing. It is peaceful. It is being able to share the most traumatic moments of your self and your life with another person without a thought. Love can happen once, twice, thrice, or how many ever times your heart feels happy around another person.
Because if not for love, what would save this world anyway?
—
This post was previously published on Hello, Love and is republished here with permission from the author.
—
***
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
Talk to you soon.
—
Photo credit: Unsplash