One of the challenging things that can happen at the beginning of any new relationship, if there’s real closeness and trust growing, is any buried pain that either partner is carrying – it could be some trauma from childhood, or unhealed wounds from a past relationship – will come to the surface, sometimes expressed in anger or disappointment. That can come as a bit of a shock if everything has been lovely up to that point. But although it might feel hard, this process of painful stuff showing up doesn’t mean that there’s a problem with the relationship. In fact it’s the opposite: it’s a sign that the connection is a meaningful and intimate one, and that emotional blocks are loosening up – an essential stage of getting truly close to someone.
Hurt from the past can be healed much more easily when it’s out in the open, which is one of the many gifts of having a truly intimate connection with someone. But each person needs the willingness and courage to trust – in each other and in whatever process is happening. Sadly, many of us have been taught to feel shame or fear about ‘difficult’ feelings. We men tend to be especially uneasy about the sense of vulnerability which comes with disclosing things that we might have been hiding for years, especially if they’re to do with our fears or insecurities. It’s tempting to cover them up; but daring to be vulnerable with a partner offers a wonderful opportunity to get to know them, and ourselves, better
We all want to feel accepted/appreciated/respected for who we are. The essential first step to this is to know and accept ourselves. If we haven’t done this we will always need outside validation; the big problem with this is that no matter how much of this we receive, it’ll never be enough. Needing to ‘be loved’, like any addiction, will always end in disappointment. We’ll always find it hard to trust, and that can lead us to reject someone for not having given us enough of the acceptance we think we need from them but which no-one else can give us except ourselves. And without self-acceptance we will not be able to appreciate our partner and instead may project feelings of judgement and anger onto them as a reflection of how we feel about ourselves.
If a partner is acting like that towards us, it’s important not to take it personally. This is where ‘Resilient Vulnerability’ can be such a game changer. If we’re being attacked in some way, we need to stand on the solid ground of self-acceptance, offering caring and compassion rather than being drawn into aggression or defensiveness as a way to protect ourselves. As long as I’m not hiding or feeling ashamed of my true feelings, nothing anyone else can say or do can threaten me, so I can offer them the kindness and consideration I’d like to receive without feeling responsible for, or afraid of, how they react to me. I can show caring at the same time as being clear about what I need and what things I’m willing to compromise about, without blaming her or making her ‘wrong’ if she feels differently.
In most conflict conversations there comes a point of choosing between one of two directions. One road involves taking responsibility for my own feelings, which leads to greater mutual and self-understanding if my partner is making a similar choice. The other road is one of blaming and/or defensiveness and leads to a dead end. If I’m with someone who insists on projecting or denying their own feelings and needs and is unable to take responsibility for them, it’s best to end the conversation in the kindest way I can. Because although I might think I know what another person ‘should’ do, I can’t change how anyone else behaves. All I can control is how I respond. If I do that in a way that is not in both of our best interests, I am betraying my deeper self. And that will always end in tears for everyone.
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