What It’s Been Like To Date While I Suffer From Depression

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Depression is such a tricky thing. It can impact many facets of your life, including your relationships. As someone who has struggled with depression from a young age, I know how difficult it can be to maintain them.

In retrospect, sure, I could have handled certain situations better than I did, but I’ve learned not to beat myself up about it because I was still figuring out who I was, and that’s okay.

It’s what makes us human.

. . .

I’ve been told that one of the most important things you can do to improve your mental health is to take it one day at a time; this is especially important for those who suffer from depression and equally as important when you want to make it work with the one you love.

Unfortunately, there are going to be times when you feel like distancing yourself from your relationship, potentially making it difficult for your partner to pin down your feelings for them.

In my own experience, being in love with someone doesn’t guarantee that I’d feel that way all the time.

Sometimes I just wanted to isolate myself because I didn’t feel like explaining how much of an effect my mental illness had over me to someone who would never understand what that’s like.

At some point, I saw how many people I ended up pushing away because of this mindset, and I felt worse about myself in the process.

I convinced myself that I needed to pick up all of the pieces and put them together before I could even think about getting involved with someone. I was so afraid of showing my most vulnerable parts to another person because I couldn’t stand the thought of crumbling in front of them.

So, I bottled it up — my depression, my anxiety, and everything in-between — I kept them locked away and pretended as if these weren’t problems I had to deal with every day.

Sure, I guess I can say it worked for a little while. I started seeing someone earlier this year, and it was nice. We visited each other frequently, talked about books, and had great sex (a lot of it). I was okay with this because I figured he would be a temporary part of my life.

There would be no hard feelings and we’d go our separate ways, right? Well, not exactly. Instead, I did the one thing I told myself I wouldn’t do.

I fell in love.

. . .

As I said earlier, falling in love with someone doesn’t mean you’re going to feel the same way about them every second of the day. It did, however, help me discover more about myself than what I already knew, both the good and the not-so-good parts.

I couldn’t just think for one person anymore, I had to consider my partner’s feelings as well.

But it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows.

I pushed and pulled like tidal waves while he tried to reach ashore. I was happy one day and sad the next. I even tried to end things between us because I thought he’d be better off that way, that I was too much to handle, and when the time came he’d realize he wouldn’t have been happy with me.

I genuinely thought that I was doing the right thing when, in reality, I was just making decisions for him to protect myself. I invalidated his feelings because I couldn’t see what he saw in me, and as hard as it was to admit, I can see how I was projecting my insecurities onto him.

Even now, there are times when I feel like I’m not someone worth dating because of my depression.

This is called self-stigmatization, and it tends to eat away at our self-esteem and lead us into believing we’re broken. This self-stigma can create a wall between you and your significant other, making it difficult for the relationship to grow.

Dating is a two-way street, so opening up about your depression to the person you’re with can help the two of you learn how to navigate the relationship in a way that makes it possible for you to focus on healing. It helped me and my partner a great deal, and I can honestly say I’ve felt better about it since then.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s still so much I need to work on. I’m overly sensitive and I overthink like it’s a hobby.

In the end, though, whether you’re entering a relationship or just fiddling around with the idea, know that no matter how many obstacles depression can throw at you, allow yourself to be vulnerable and remember to be kind to yourself.

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Previously published on medium.com and is republished here under permission.
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