What I’ve Learned From My Last Failed Relationship

My girlfriend and I broke up today. I know the initial reaction is to be sad for me. But don’t be. This cannot be viewed as a failure, but rather as a bit of growth on my end.

I treat each serious relationship that I have been in as a growth experience, and this may have been the best one yet!

As most relationships start out, this one was great. We laughed a lot and had great sex, to be honest. We had a boatload of fun until we didn’t.

“When did you realize your self-worth?” you might ask. Well, the answer to that question lies within the last month of the relationship.

There are a ton of things that went wrong, but the constant theme was the way that I was spoken to. There was nothing about the way she spoke to me that was acceptable. Some of what she would say would make me look like a fool in public. Or she would get mad when I asked her to repeat what she said, and most of all she took my kindness for granted.

At first I was so happy to be in a relationship that I was willing to overlook these things and be a punching bag. I liked the idea of a relationship more than the relationship itself.

Then it HIT ME like a ton of bricks. It made me think, “I’m 26 years old, getting my life together for the first time, and taking shit from someone on the daily. There needs to be more to this relationship thing.”

Then the most profound thing happened to me. I took a deep dive into my past relationships and my life in general. While deep in reflection, I realized this is always what I settled for.

I’ve always been a punching bag. As a matter of fact that four of my five relationships were like this. The underlying theme was me seeking approval from people that were never going to give it to me.

All these thoughts flooded my mind while I smoked a cigar, which is my form of meditation. How can I fix this I thought?

First, I needed to stand my ground and prove to myself that I am worth someone who will treat me as I treat them. I am going to take these 3 steps to execute this:

Be Alone

I am going to spend the next few months away from women . All I want to do is spend time in a state of self-discovery and find out what pleases me.

I don’t mean this in a way that is selfish, but more so in a way that allows me to escape the cycle of perpetual people pleasing. I need to put myself first for once.

Be Me

In being myself, I can figure out what I like. I am the relationship guy that will adapt to whatever my partner enjoys. In doing so, I leave myself behind, longing for what I want and never following it.

I’m going to geek out on things I like. For instance, electric bikes. I know that sounds obscure, but it’s something I’m passionate about. If you are in a similar position, I implore you to find what you “geek out” on. If you’re embarrassed to follow that hobby while with your significant other, NOW IS THE TIME.

You will have your hobby with you from this point forward. Your next boyfriend/girlfriend will know that going into the relationship. It will become a part of you!

Fall In Love

I want to fall in love! Not with someone else, but with MYSELF. I need to figure out who I am, inside and out.

After finding out who I am, I’ll make a list of all the things that I love about myself. I’ll then look for someone, down the line, that compliments these things. I cannot fall back in love with someone because they love me.

Accept nothing short of magic for your next relationship.

Find yourself, before you try to find the one!

—

Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.

—

***