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“It is love, not reason, that is stronger than death.” –Thomas Mann
Yes, my parents are fucked up. Maybe I’ll write a big, fat study about their marriage struggle one day. Their shame. Procrastination. Fear. All the elephants in the room.
First, I learned to follow their path. But later on, I discovered I like to extract what I admire about them. I believe this can be used to fulfill my relationship now.
1. They stick together no matter what comes their way
My parents root themselves in the decision to survive together no matter what. They have a purpose, a WHY that is far bigger than themselves. It is because of their kids.
And don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying this is the right or the wrong way to go. Fuck no! I’m saying if I want to build a long-term relationship, I’ll need to live a much bigger reason than love. This understanding saved my current relationship in defining moments and helped us not to crack.
My WHY? My relationship is my foundation. It’s a love nest where me and my lady live our authentic selves. It’s the space where we go all-in no matter what.
2. They raised 2 children
I’m a 33-year-old dad. It’s not even mine.
It’s my girlfriend’s dog named Lola. I started to take care of her in the last couple of years. When Lola misses her late night poop I’m worried about her.
When my parents were 33, I fell from the second floor and crushed my skull. I was 6. Imagine what they’ve been through.
I’m 600,000,000 light years away from their level of responsibility.
3. They call each other sweet names
My parents haven’t slept in the same bed for more than twenty years. They live in a big apartment like roomies who share expenses for food, travel, and infotainment. They don’t practice the ancient joy of sex. It’s almost like they’ve become too shy to do it.
Yet, they keep calling each other names like Pumpkin, Sugar Pie, Smoochy, or Cuddle Muffin. They’re not connected in any form of passion, but they are still intimate. There’s a regular practice of tenderness in their relationship. They’ve never forgotten how to be kind to each other.
4. They discuss every big decision
This here is the Balkans. The ultimate paterfamilias land. Men don’t discuss health, financial matters, or a big business opportunity with women in this culture. They carry the weight in the name of manhood.
My father comes from this traditional background where all women belong in the kitchen. You would expect him to treat his own woman like that.
In reality, my parents discuss everything. No matter what it is: buying a car, going on vacation, or painting a wall in the living room, they have a real conversation about it. They talk, they make a decision, and they do it together.
I believe this helped me to share more. It wasn’t always like that. I struggled with this one. When I stopped resenting this, it shifted my relationship.
5. They respect each other’s parents
My grandmother lives with my parents. She’s 91. She had a bad experience living with my PTSD uncle. Grandma is getting more and more demented. My parents take care of her together. My father sometimes makes fun of her. Tells her she eats too much. At the end of the day, he’s there to support her.
My father’s mother lives all alone. She’s also 91. She is a special lady. She can ask you thousands of different questions. Then she forgets she asked them and asks again. My parents go and visit her a couple of times a week and offer their help or buy her something she’s missing. They get angry while answering those same questions over and over again. Yet, they always come back there because they care.
6. They post in our family WhatsApp group
Yes, we really have a family chat group.
Since we live in different parts of our country, that is how we keep in touch pretty much on a daily basis. In the beginning, I was terrified of the concept, but with time, I realized this somehow improves our relationship.
We’re much closer than any family I know. It’s not about writing reports to each other. We do GIFs, selfies, and tweets. Simple signs of presence that keep us together.
7. He named our summer house after her
My parents retired from their jobs and changed their lifestyle. They’ve renovated our summer house. They want to live on an island from early spring till late autumn. My father named the house after my mother and arranged it to be engraved in stone above the main entrance.
I asked myself: when was the last time I did something to cherish my relationship? Then I took my lady to the beach on our first anniversary. She asked me what will I do for this occasion? I took a hammer and a nail, and engraved a special reminder in stone beside the sea.
It was fun. It felt right. I wonder—how would it be if I do a gesture like this once a month? Or even once a week? How about once a day?
8. They always have a project together
I’ve already mentioned a couple in this article. Their kids, their retirement, and redecorating the summer house. They approach all matters like it’s a business project. They take action on them together.
Their recent project is restoring grandma’s olive groves. They did this for two months and they’re planning to go back and finish their project in the spring.
I don’t see many couples creating experiences together after their children leave them. So I started to have projects with my girlfriend. It can be simple like having a massage night together once a week. Or it can be bigger—like when we decide to move from our shitty flat to a new apartment somewhere downtown.
We wrote every specific detail about it on a piece of paper. Exact size, number of rooms, approximate area, the price we’re willing to pay. Then we went to search online. Found nothing. After a week, my girlfriend got a random call from a girl we both know. She said she’s in an apartment downtown for a month. We went to visit her. And that turned out to be our new place.
Yes, my parents’ marriage is fucked up and it’s not my business to write a big, fat study about their struggle.
All I choose to do is to stay present in my own relationship.
“When people tell me they’ve learned from experience, I tell them the trick is to learn from other people’s experience.” –Warren Buffett
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This post was originally published on medium.com, and is republished here with the author’s permission.
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Photo credit: Getty Images