What Kills Relationships?

There are a zillion articles written that tell you how to identify the fundamentals of successful relationships. From being trustworthy to being honest to being generous, the list is endless.

But, IMO, it can all be ignored.

There is one foundational thing that determines whether your relationship with any human will stay or not. And that is UNDERSTANDING.

Understanding is the foundation of lasting love.

It comes from a genuine interest in listening to the other person’s wants, desires, complaints, and unmet needs.

Humans do not hate disagreements; they hate being told or made felt that their opinions do not matter. What’s unbearable is not leaving a larger part of the pie for our loved ones but rather not being ever acknowledged for it.

We need acceptance for who we are and we will happily tolerate not always being agreed with who we are.

Money, beauty, and fame can never buy the kind of love that listening can!

What we love is staying around those who feel no pride or compunction in readily saying, I can hear what you are saying and how much this matters to you, I get it. Or “because I love you, this makes me curious, tell me more”. [Credits: School of Life]

These people too will annoy and frustrate us. And we will disagree with them and have conflicts with them. But we will not fall out of love with them. Even after the flaws, we will not break up. Because at the end of the day, we can assure ourselves that there is someone who understands us and therefore, feel heard and respected.

Love is a complex and multifaceted emotion that can be difficult to understand. It is often described as a feeling of strong attachment or deep affection towards someone or something. Understanding the foundation of love can help us to better understand why we feel love towards certain people and things, and how to express and nurture love in healthy and meaningful ways. It can also help us to recognize and distinguish genuine love from other emotions or behaviors that may be mistaken for love, such as infatuation, possessiveness, or manipulation. Ultimately, understanding the foundation of love can help us to build strong and fulfilling relationships, both with ourselves and with others.

Here are a few tips to help you improve your listening skills:

Pay attention: Make an effort to focus on the speaker and what they are saying, rather than just waiting for your turn to speak.
Show that you are listening: Use body language and verbal cues, like nodding your head or saying “mm-hmm,” to demonstrate that you are paying attention.
Avoid interrupting: Allow the speaker to finish their thoughts before jumping in with your own comments or questions.
Stay open-minded: Try to listen without preconceptions or biases, and be willing to consider the speaker’s perspective even if you don’t agree with it.
Ask clarifying questions: If you don’t understand something, ask for more information or clarification. This shows that you are engaged in the conversation and helps you to better understand the speaker’s perspective.
Repeat back what you heard: Summarizing what the speaker said can help to ensure that you have accurately understood their message.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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