What Love In My 30s Feels Like

I hit the 30s club a few months ago. it’s like leveling up in a hard computer game, I don’t know if I should be happy that I made it so far or worry about what’s going to happen next.

Overall, I’m glad about it. every now and then I get caught doing what people with Gerascophobia do. I escape crowd quicker than I thought, I have tiny crow’s feet that shows when I smile. all these make me realize how I’m getting closer to the old me.

10 years ago, I imagined myself to be much different. I thought the 30 years old me is settled, owns a house, and enjoys an average life. well, it was never as easy as I thought. I’m paying rent now, I’m not settled, and living in a bit mess for many reasons. Love is not something that would fit in my current situation.

I wanted passionate love in my 20s, but now I just want to find peace in love. I realized how carefree I‘ve become because I don’t want to take my peace away at any cost. if my bf is angry at me, I just walk away. the old me used to fight back but now I just don’t care. drama is not for me anymore.

I want to be in a relationship that keeps me happy, I lost so much of my patience with negativity. I don’t know why, I just don’t want to see my partner giving negative vibes. I used to feel compassionate and try to be helpful but now I’m like “get your sh$#! together man! you’re an adult!” I’m still there for my man if he wants to talk, needs a hug, or stuff like that but having a childish drama is a huge turn-off for me.

I fight less for love, it’s me the fighter who gave up. I used to manage the worst relationships before but now I just say fuck it and I move on. I feel like I don’t have time to fix a man’s personal issues, I don’t have time to heal them with love either. I kind of lost my attachment to love. if it’s meant to last, it will otherwise it makes no sense to make sacrifices for it.

I became more emotionally independent. I used to feel there has to be love to complete me but now all I want is a loyal friend by my side. someone sincere and mature enough to understand it. back in my 20s, I used to spend all of my free time with my ex. now, I want to have my private life as well as a beloved partner.

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I feel I no longer need to please my man. I live the way I want now because I’ve learned that no one can fix my life but myself. I don’t care anymore if he wants to see me happy all the time, if there’s a problem I won’t mask my feelings for him. this is it. I feel I’ve grown enough to figure out my right and wrong behavior and I’ve definitely spent time working on it. so I’m just putting my decisions for my life on top unless I have to share them with someone.

Romantic words don’t impress me anymore. I still enjoy hearing them, it’s heartwarming, soothing, bonding, and many more but I’d rather receive them occasionally when it comes from the heart. to me, doing romantic stuff should have a reason. it doesn’t sound right when it’s habituated. I find calling my name more valuable than being called honey, sweetie, etc. because my name is my identity, and being called by my name feel that I’m important as who I AM.

It really annoys me when someone says romantic words to me before they know me, it looks so fake. I hate it the most when female friends do that but they don’t mean it.

I noticed I need a lot of physical contacts, and it’s not about sex. I think it’s because of living alone. back when I was living with family, my little sister couldn’t fall asleep without holding my hand and I guess that’s how I got used to it. but I didn’t really care if I’m held and caressed enough by a man, quite the opposite now. I feel moody when my boyfriend doesn’t hug me as he used to. I sleep much better when he holds me all night and so on.

If you ask my opinion, I never thought being 30 would be like this. I was expecting to be the same savage girl but everything turned around months before becoming 30 years old. it seems to be nature’s way of growing me up and putting me where I have to be at this age of mine. I have no other choice than embrace it and enjoy the journey.

This is the new 30 years old me.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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