What Men Crave

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“You have every right to be angry with us. Now, what do you want to create with us?” –John Wineland

There are all kinds of tutorials for being a strong woman. If you are a man and you want to be a good man for your woman—or just all women—you won’t have any problem finding information on women’s needs. But when it comes to studying men, you could encounter problems.

I like to go deep in any subject. Since my relationship with my man started and we decided to create the best possible relationship, my part of the homework was to find out how to support him to be the best possible man he can be. To do that, I needed to find out what men need in order to give us their best.

The thing is, I believe both women and men need to become conscious about men’s needs. I believe strong relationships—not just strong women—will create the new world. I believe I can be only as strong as my man is.

John Wineland, a leader of men’s groups, asked men what they crave and did a talk on the subject. Since hearing it, I’m doing my best to give my man what he craves. Here are the nine points Wineland highlights and how I incorporate them into my relationship.

1. Celebrate the fact that we are different

I need more attention from him then he needs from me. That fact made me feel like he loves me less. Once I learned it is just a difference between us, things got easier for me. I’m more comfortable asking for attention when I need it, and I stopped worrying about him not reaching out for me as often.

2. Men crave range

“Especially in bed,” Wineland adds. I believe I’m a natural at this one. It’s also something I crave. Knowing how important this is for the men, I am more conscious about offering him all of my faces and bodies in the bedroom.

3. Success in the relationship requires different tools

Wineland speaks about the difference between the tools women use in their careers and the fact that we often tend to use the same tools in our love relationship. I failed at this one for a long period of time. Being a boss at work, it appeared natural to me to be the boss at home. It wasn’t easy, but I found a way to pull back and stop managing my boyfriend and our relationship. I still haven’t mastered this one, but I remind myself every day to be his woman—not his leader, manager, or boss in any way.

4. Acknowledge men

“Find in us every day something that you trust about us and honor us.” –John Wineland

I was so unaware of this fact. One day, my boyfriend sat me down and told me there is only one thing he needs from me. He told me he needs me to acknowledge him for something every single day. I hadn’t been easy on him lately. My ups and downs were unbearable. I was empty and I pushed him to be everything for me. And of course, nothing was good enough.

I was in an unconscious state of deep pain and anger. It didn’t have anything to do with him but he was the closest one to the battlefield. I went back to therapy. But I also listened to him and gave him the one thing he needed to survive with me in that state. I wanted to make it special, so I made a new email account and started sending him the exclusive Daily Acknowledgement Newsletter. Each day, I send him an email with the list of three to five things I acknowledge him for.

It made a great shift in our relationship. Once a day, I bring to consciousness all the things he did for me and for us and it helps me realise the effort he is making and the love he has for me. And it is easier for him to cope with my moods when he knows I see all the things he is doing for me.

5. Find a way to continuously surrender

Men want us to surrender our hearts, our lives, and our bodies. I began with surrendering my body, although I’m aware there is much more to be surrendered. It is much tougher to surrender my life and my heart. It was important to me to have my independence.

But life gave me an opportunity to surrender when we decided that I’m not going to work. It was the first time in my life I became financially dependent. It was a big step for me. I needed to bury all my trust issues and the idea that I have to take care of myself. Again, my boyfriend played his part in that. He made a great effort for me to surrender. I’m so happy I did—I have never felt so empowered as I do right now, since he is there to have my back.

6. Find ways to move your body

While being bossy, it influenced all the aspects of my being. I was also bossy in my movement, in my body. I needed to have everything under control—including my movements and my body. After I started pole dance training, my moves softened. I discovered the circular moves and how natural they are to my body. I began to walk differently. I moved around the house slower, softer. My moves are softer while I cook, while I clean the house, and while I move beneath or on top of my boyfriend in the bedroom. He has no complaints. And I’m more aware of every moment and am more present, for myself and for him.

7. Slow down

Wineland talks about the moves here, but also about how we speak. This is maybe my weakest point. I don’t have any southern roots, but my temper would disagree. When I’m excited or angry, I speak loud and fast. Lately, I’m trying to slow down in those situations and every time I manage to do so, I see my boyfriend is able to understand and feel me better.

8. Don’t settle for our bullshit

This. Is. So. Important. Women keep on being angry, but we tend to overlook their bullshit. I did this. I thought I’m not the one to point it out to him. Oh, was I wrong. Once I had enough, I became open about his bullshit. It raised a lot of his walls, his ego needed to defend itself, of course. Only love saved us in those days. But with time, he was able to hear me out, to take my words as the words of God, as the words no one ever dared to tell him.

I was told not to try to change my man. I didn’t change him, but I did point my finger at his bullshit and he changed for himself.

These words from Wineland shifted a lot for both of us:

“Her complaint is a gift—receive it and reflect where you could be more conscious, impeccable, integral, loving—before you respond. Here is a novel concept: Assume she is right. If she is irritated and she really loves you, it very well could be she is reacting to something you may not be able to see. What a gift to have a good woman telling us where we are off. Use it brother.”

9. Love him with the same energy—that you were angry—when he showed you he is unconscious

“Men are dying to love you well.” –John Wineland

I’m all in when he is unconscious. When he doesn’t show up. When he hurts me. When he is selfish. When he isn’t there for my needs. And when he loves me, when he supports me, when he moves mountains to make me feel safe and loved—I act like it’s his duty. My man helped me see that when he asked for acknowledgment, and I’m so happy he did.

I used to be an activist for women’s rights, LGBTQ+ rights, animals rights. I needed it. Lately, my activism is to support one man to be the best possible man. I feel I’m doing more for the society this way, then I would by writing supporting hashtags on my social media walls.

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This post was originally published on medium.com, and is republished here with the author’s permission.

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