A Tik Tok is going viral that perfectly illustrates what women put up with on the street.
By @thenotoriusalvin, it shows him (I presume) walking up to men and women and wordlessly inviting them to shake hands. It will be no surprise to most women that the guys didn’t hesitate to shake his hand while the women kept walking — but remembered to smile to avoid further trouble.
Shared on Twitter, the comments shed further light on the situation—women are wary of men on the street, men don’t know what women go through, and many don’t care. Take a look at some of the reactions to explanations from women, together with why those reactions are so egregious:
“I’ve never heard in my life that approaching someone in a friendly manner being called harassment. Shit, going to have to tell my girl sorry to her for making a relationship with her, my bad.”
First, just because you’ve never heard of it doesn’t mean it’s not so. You dismiss scores of women based on your own experiences. Second, men often use a ‘friendly manner’ to get the ball rolling. How on earth would it work if the opening gambit were aggressive? Third, not sure how your current relationship fits into this scenario, but Go You for at least trying to make yourself the victim here.
“It’s just a f***ing handshake.”
Said in various ways, but the message of ‘no big deal’ was loud and clear. Guys, Covid aside, we don’t owe you a handshake just as we don’t owe you a smile. There were probably a few men who kept walking too. Would you be so angry with them?
Furthermore, it’s often not ‘just a handshake’; it’s often the gateway. How do we know he won’t keep hold of our hand while walking with us as we try to get away? Or worse (as happens), pull us in and try to grope, kiss, whatever? Take a look at his other Tik Tok, where he gets even more physical with women he doesn’t know.
I’d safely bet that most women in the video have good reason to give him a wide berth. They’ve probably had to deal with unsolicited attention in the past, and it didn’t make them feel good. Heaven forbid they put themselves first, but that’s what they’re doing here. They’ve decided they don’t need to make his day if it creeps them out. Probably time to think of this as the new normal, i.e. get used to it.
“We told women all men are out to get them then act surprised when they believe it. Women are easily influenced, they need to think for themselves.”
No, you didn’t tell us; you showed us. We don’t believe it because we were told; we believe it because we live it. Most of us have been harassed, and most know at least one woman who’s had a worse experience. If we are influenced to act a certain way, it’s because of those experiences. Imagine if women got harassed, assaulted, raped and murdered and yet did nothing to try to keep ourselves safe? Damned if we do and damned if we don’t.
“Men cannot approach women anymore.”
Just another version of “We can’t do/say anything these days.” Here’s the thing — most of it was never okay, and many men knew it. Women have just had enough now, and are starting to voice objection to it. So here’s an idea — If you feel you can’t do or say something, perhaps best not to? Trust your gut.
“It’s no different than a white man hating blacks because of a bad experience. Check your prejudice. Your bad experiences are no excuse to be fearful of an entire group of people.”
Given that we didn’t see the same ‘experiment’ done by a white guy, it’s inconclusive that there’s racism involved. But yes, our bad experiences are a good excuse to keep walking — because while it’s #NotAllMen, we don’t know who it will be. Men who harass and abuse come from all walks of life and don’t fit one description. Additionally, women are abused doing everyday things, including walking outside.
Calling women racist for putting their safety first (which we’re not supposed to do, remember) denies everyday threats to us and seeks to remove our right to self-protection.
“Y’all think he’s gonna run away with a woman in broad daylight on a crowded street?”
The implication is that if the risk isn’t out-and-out abduction, we should accept the handshake. Again, no. There’s no spectrum of outcomes that dictate our right to keep walking. If women are wary, that’s their right. If women don’t want to shake his hand, that’s also their right. No explanations needed.
“Victim complex!”
It’s not a complex; it’s reality. Women are frequently victims of men and sometimes in broad daylight. We also can’t yet rely on bystanders to step in and help. This comment tries to shame women for legitimate feelings — A man wouldn’t be wary of another man extending a hand, so why in god’s name should women?
“If you can’t shake hands with strangers, you can’t make deals.”
First up, a bit of Mansplaining about deal-making. Second, it’s incorrect. Who makes a deal with strangers on the street? Even if you’re buying something from a rando selling out of a suitcase, you enter into an informal contractual relationship with them by agreeing or accepting the price. They’re no longer strangers when you shake on the deal, and there is a purpose.
Third — this is not a transaction. Just as we’d be free to walk away if he were proferring watches or sunglasses, we aren’t obliged to accept the handshake. Also, there are two parties in deal-making, and the deals are acceptable to both. Unless you’re saying that women should accept whatever’s offered …?
“Women don’t respekt mens enough.” (sic)
This came through a lot. Quite a few men were annoyed that the Tik Tok guy had been disrespected while completely ignoring the lack of respect shown to women. (And no — reaching out for a handshake isn’t a sign of respect here.)
It’s the same old story. Guy asks woman if she’d like a drink; woman politely declines and feels the need to explain that she’s out with her friends. Guy sees this as rejection and either pushes on, convinced she’ll ‘come round’ or vectors to letting her know that it’s her loss and she’s ugly anyway.
Quick takeaway— men hold their right to respect higher than a woman’s right to safety.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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