What Men Really Feel Insecure About With Your Past Partners [Video]

Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)

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when you’re in a coffee shop and and
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your ex walks in
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and you go oh God my ex just walked in
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he does not want to see a tatted up MMA
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fighter no no
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that’s the last thing he wants to see
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[Music]
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let’s start with the men I’m really
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fascinated to to hear what did the men
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say in response to this question what
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makes you insecure in early dating so
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I’ll start with one of the top comments
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that was from David and that said
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wondering how we compare to our
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competition slash her previous
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boyfriends can be a question and this
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one came up a lot guys saying that they
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feel competitive or they are just
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imagining wondering how they compare to
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other men she has been with before does
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that seem surprising to you or on the
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money Matt for men no I think that’s
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absolutely on the money and and I don’t
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believe that this is limited to being a
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male issue I think this happens on both
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sides we all have the potential to get
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insecure about
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what kind of standard are we coming up
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against here
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you know who who am I competing with
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that you’ve already been with right and
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women can feel that men can feel that I
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suppose
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it’s possible that men
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men feel it in their own way although I
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do things probably a lot of similarity
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if if a woman thought that the last
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person you were with was extremely
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gorgeous then she might feel insecure
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about that if a man knows that you are
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with someone who is incredibly handsome
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he might feel insecure about that
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I also think that factoring into that
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for men is sort of the toughness
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how you know how tough women aren’t
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thinking how tough was your last uh
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girlfriend but men are thinking how
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tough would you there’s this caveman
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Instinct could I take him
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if I had to like how much does he bench
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right I don’t think women are wondering
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like well what does he squat or what is
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she what did the last girlfriend squat
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you know there’s that whole dimension of
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just strength and size when you’re in a
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coffee shop and and
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and your ex walks in
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and you go oh God my ex just walked in
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he does not want to see a tatted up MMA
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fighter no no that
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that’s the last thing he wants to see
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that’s interesting I I don’t think
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instinctively I think about physical
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stature
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so much for you if he was carrying a
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stack of books you’d you’d really be
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alarmed I think that was a low-key Flex
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from Steve for sure because he’s like
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six three right oh I don’t didn’t really
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occur to me right but if he was like if
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his If he if he walked in and got his
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coffee Steve but then he sort of his his
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book hold or fell open because it was
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slightly unzipped and out fell
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Kierkegaard and the complete works of
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Tolstoy but exactly
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exactly you’d be
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you if Hitchens letters to a young
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contrarian fell out you right it was or
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he’s some he’s some tech tech genius or
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something right right that would that
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would alarm you see I I think what I’m
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getting at is
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it so much that I think do men have a
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specific ego thing where they think
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I want to be the best man she’s ever
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known is it like a more of a general
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idea I think
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no I don’t I I well maybe for some I
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don’t think all people I don’t think all
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men start with that level of ego I think
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there is a kind of man that starts with
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that level of ego what are you trying to
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say where he’s
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I well no I I don’t
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I I don’t I don’t think you would be
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easily threatened Steve I also don’t
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think you’re the hyper competitive type
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in that area I really don’t but I I do
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think there is a kind of guy that wants
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to be quote the best you’ve ever had I
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think that there’s another kind of guy
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that
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recognizes in his insecurity or
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vulnerability that he’s never going to
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be a certain kind of guy and that can go
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one of two ways it can either make him
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feel sort of jealous if you are with a
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guy that’s not what he is or he’s
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already given up that fight right it’s
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not he’s not trying to be that guy so
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you were with some stud or whatever and
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he’s like well yeah that’s not my lane
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or you were with some like Wall Street
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guy and he’s like I’m I’m I’m an Arty
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guy I’m not trying to get like millions
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of dollars yeah I think that some
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sometimes people get insecure because
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someone has something they don’t
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other times
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they can make peace with that part and
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what makes them insecure is someone
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who’s in their Lane
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if you if you get with someone or were
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with someone who they feel is a direct
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kind of comparable to them which is kind
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of why I joked about the book reference
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but if you if you feel like someone’s in
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your lane
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it’s like if you’re if someone was a
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professor and the last person she dated
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was someone who’s a Wall Street guy he
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might feel nothing but if suddenly he
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found out that her ex was an academic he
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might be like well what line of Academia
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was he in is it oh oh that Mickey Mouse
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line of Academia like he might suddenly
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feel that but I think it’s really I
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think it’s really fascinating I think
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it’s so is so human and it’s so Primal
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because it goes to the heart of
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am I am I gonna be good enough if what
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she’s had already
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is is something that I can’t live up to
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is something that I don’t think that I
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think threatens my value then am I
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really going to be worth enough
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for this person do we want to ask Audrey
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if women have the same thing
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yeah of course I think comparing
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yourself to people is really natural
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um I think it’s different with women I
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think we tend to compare ourselves Maybe
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more physically than anything else just
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because we’ve been told over and over
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again that that’s the thing that men
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care the most about even though a more
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evolved me knows that that’s not
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entirely true I think there is still
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some truth to that
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and uh and you know in the novel Gone
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Girl
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yeah cool girl
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that’s how she’s describing that and you
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know she’s the girl who drinks beer and
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walks barefoot and never gets jealous
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and you know that with the guys and and
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it’s this idea of cool girl and she
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always you know wants to sleep with him
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and it’s just like this perfect
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non-neurotic being and I sometimes think
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that as a woman you
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and it probably happens the same way
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with men just their own version of it
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it’s almost the kind of ideal woman that
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has been created and curated by men
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if you think that someone they’ve been
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with is closer to that woman it can be a
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little bit unsettling because you just
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think well I have neuro season I get
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jealous and I get insecure about things
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and you know where does that fit in
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what if there was a Gong guy
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movie
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what would that passage say
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if it was being written by
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a a bitter man who didn’t like the
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perfect men that had been con a perfect
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man that had been constructed in women’s
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Minds probably an in-cell screed about
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what Chads are like or something like
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that probably a lot of things you could
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already find on Reddit to be honest it’d
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be some guy some guy with a perfectly
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chiseled jawline who’s six foot three
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he’s like Don Draper in a meeting he’s
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got all the money in the world but he
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doesn’t care about it he’s got really
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high-powered career but he can just go
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on holiday on the drop of a hat just
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like go jet setting on a whim yeah yeah
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he’s got like a a world that relies on
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him but whenever he’s in the mood to
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spontaneously express love which is
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exactly when you need it he can just
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take you away for a trip yeah drop
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everything and just get on the
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helicopter you know I think it’s a
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really interesting point that Audrey
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made though I don’t think
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that men feel like they’re competing
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with a perfect image of a guy
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in a woman’s head and I think women
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probably do feel like they’re competing
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with not other women the same way guys
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feel like they’re competing with other
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guys
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but women probably do think that they’re
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competing with this strange
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perfection in a guy’s mind that the
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Instagram filter of a woman see I’m I
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don’t know if that’s perhaps there was a
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time where that was more true
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but I think Instagram has ruined all
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that
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I think it’s made it worse what do you
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mean I’m saying for men the idea that
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men aren’t comparing themselves to other
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men I think Instagram has introduced all
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of that insecurity to men as well
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because you’re you’re now you know
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you’re looking at these these guys who
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are out there who seem to be really
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impressive in their careers or in their
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businesses who seem to have these
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perfect Lives who are
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incredibly toned and look incredibly
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masculine who do something tough in
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their free time who you know like people
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are looking at these guys who seem to my
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I think men are now they do have these
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very visual representations of of guys
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who seem to have it all and they’re
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comparing themselves to those guys
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oh and I think a lot of modern men are
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more vain as well physically vain I
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actually agree men are competing with
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other guys men are also competing with I
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guess the perfect image of a man in
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those guys eyes I suppose what I’m
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saying is that I don’t think women are
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as fooled by that so I think I think
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women aren’t like they don’t have the
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perfect man in their head the same way
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okay so I get what you’re saying you’re
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saying that
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for men women have the fear that men
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really have bought into
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this image of the perfect woman and that
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she does exist and that’s what they’re
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searching for oh yeah I think men are
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formed by that but yeah you’re saying
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that women are not fooled by that this
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idea of the perfect man Stephen I’m
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curious do you agree with that or do you
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think that it is still incredibly common
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for women to have this idea of what a
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perfect guy or or that there is this guy
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out there that they’ve been sold that
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doesn’t exist but they do believe in him
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might be ideals that have been sold in
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in stories and romances and things like
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that that that are like fantasy male
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characters but in general I would say
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women do there’s a white maybe a wide
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range of different you can’t rely on one
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woman being into the same thing like
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some woman thinks Johnny Depp’s sort of
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kooky look is really for her and some
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woman thinks it’s more like Chris Pratt
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a strapping muscular some like a skinny
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nerdy rocker guy I think there’s a lot
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of range in what women enjoy so I think
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in a way there isn’t like singular
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archetype Square George Superman
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there’s a lot of women who that’s not
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really their cup of tea so much so I
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think women have quite uh yeah I don’t
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think they have a singular archetype so
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much I was going to say Audrey do you
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think that
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women still do have too many fantasies
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about the kinds of guys that are out
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there or do you think that they’re much
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better at coming to terms with the
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reality of men than men are the reality
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of women
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I would say
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my non-educated opinion on it is what
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you’ve just said which is that we have
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come to terms of the reality of men more
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I think women
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potentially learn quicker how to Value
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certain things in men I don’t know if
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that’s true to everybody but I just
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I wonder where the men
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Chase attributes that aren’t necessarily
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the attributes that are going to make
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them happy for a little bit longer
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because they have perhaps more shallow
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taste when it comes to
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to what they’re looking for in a woman
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whereas I think women you know
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they want to meet someone eventually
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who’s going to be a good father and a
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trustworthy husband and a kind person to
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share their life with I think they come
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to that conclusion perhaps a little bit
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quicker but what I do think
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is
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women are able to vocalize these
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insecurities far easier than men can so
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you know with your friends if
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you’re the guy you’re seeing you see his
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ex-girlfriend on Instagram you are able
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to call up your friend and go oh my God
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she’s beautiful here’s a picture of her
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and talk about it and you’re able to
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almost air out those insecurities which
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just takes the wind out of them right
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whereas I think men don’t have that
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place to do that I mean I don’t know
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maybe maybe you do but like I I don’t
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know if they do as much no I think
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that’s an incredibly astute uh point
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because men just don’t tend to have that
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kind of a community around them I mean
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men struggle anyway I think much more
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than women do with with making friends
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with building connections I think that
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the archetype or the the kind of
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the idea of a guy growing old and sort
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of sad and lonely
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More Than a Woman it it holds water
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because I do think that women tend to
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invest in their friendships in a way
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that men don’t
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and a lot of guys even if they have
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close friendships they don’t necessarily
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say those kinds of things that kind of
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vulnerability is rewarded in some male
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circles and I actually think it’s gotten
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better I think more men are willing to
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talk to each other about these kinds of
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things but it’s still so much worse than
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than women
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for a guy to admit that he was
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that he felt threatened by another man
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to his friends is a difficult
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thing to do yeah I don’t think most men
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would say it they would might say it as
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a joke but not really can we I I think
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it would be great email in podcast
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Matthew hussey.com if
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there’s if you have or had an insecurity
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about someone your ex dated
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and let us know what it is we can keep
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it Anonymous if you like but I think it
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would be fun just to read a couple more
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stories I really think these help us
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understand we’re not the only one with
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insecurities when we read these so
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what’s the situation you found yourself
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in where your insecurities ran wild
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comparing yourself with someone your
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your partner had been with or it could
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be your ex
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foreign
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foreign
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[Music]

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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