“I Don’t Like Who I Become When I’m With Them”
Early dating sucks. One of the worst parts of early dating is that it can make you act like someone you’re not—someone you can’t stand.
Have you ever been in a relationship or a dating scenario with someone and thought, “I hate the person that I am with this person. I do not recognize myself”?
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Here is a summary of the transcript from YouTube, slightly edited with AI.
Why This Happens
There is a very particular reason why this happens.
When we are trying to get vulnerable with someone, but we’re not aware enough of our own patterns—and we’re certainly not aware of their patterns—it can lead to a very dangerous cycle.
They come on strong initially. You get invested. They then pull back. You get pulled in. They pull further back. And before you know it, they’re gone.
What’s happening here?
Attachment Theory
To understand this, we need to talk about attachment theory and the spectrum it describes.
There are people who are anxious, people who are avoidant, and people in the middle who are more secure.
I’ve had questions for years from both sides of that spectrum. The problem is that all of these people can get locked into a spiral that’s bad for everyone.
What’s interesting is that we find it much easier to sympathize with people on the anxious side than those on the avoidant side.
People on the anxious side seem to be getting their hearts broken by someone else. Their pain is visible.
People on the avoidant side, however, are often hurting themselves. They push people away, isolate, and struggle to figure out what makes them happy. Their pain is more private—the pain of loneliness and constantly searching for something elusive.
But if we zoom out, everyone on this spectrum is reacting to something from their past. We’re all trying to find love, each with our own unique challenges shaped by earlier experiences.
Downward and Upward Spirals
I’m a big believer that if we want to find love, we have to focus less on judging people and more on bringing people together in a powerful way.
But first, we have to understand the downward spiral that happens in early dating.
Imagine a scale: secure attachment sits at zero in the middle. Anxious attachment ranges from one to ten on one side, and avoidant attachment from one to ten on the other.
Now imagine someone who is a two on the anxious side meets someone who is a two on the avoidant side.
The anxious person expresses a need for reassurance. The avoidant person interprets that as insecurity and starts to pull back slightly.
The anxious person senses this shift—maybe subconsciously—and becomes more vigilant. Their anxiety goes from a two to a three. They cling a little tighter.
The avoidant person feels that increased pressure and pulls back further. Now their avoidance goes from a two to a three.
This continues. The anxious person goes from a three to a four or five. The avoidant person jumps to a six. And before long, both people are pushed into extreme versions of themselves.
The anxious person becomes a version they don’t even like. The avoidant person feels justified in saying, “Everyone is too much.”
That’s the downward spiral.
But there are also upward spirals.
If two people understand how to bring out the best in each other, something very different can happen.
An avoidant-leaning person might make an effort to be consistent and show care. The anxious-leaning person feels safe and becomes more confident and relaxed.
Now both people are becoming better versions of themselves. That’s an upward spiral.
Dating With Results
If you’re tired of investing time and energy into relationships that leave you feeling empty, and you want to break that cycle, I’ve created a 90-minute masterclass called Dating With Results.
In this training, I share tools and strategies that have helped thousands of people find love without being overwhelmed by the process.
You’ll learn how to decode mixed signals, set clear boundaries, and attract relationships that align with your values and goals.
Go to datingwithresults.com and sign up for this free masterclass.
How to Make an Anxious/Avoidant Relationship Work
To create an upward spiral, we have to approach dating with leadership—not passively or reactively.
Leadership looks different depending on where you fall on the spectrum.
If you’re more anxious, leadership might mean asking: “What would my ideal, secure relationship look like?”
For example, if your partner goes out with friends, do you expect constant updates? Probably not. So instead of acting from anxiety, you begin to model the kind of trust and security you actually want.
You embody the communication and behavior of your ideal relationship now—not because you feel safe, but because you want to see if this person can meet you there.
If they can’t, you’d rather find out early.
If you’re more avoidant, leadership might mean reframing how you see vulnerability.
Instead of viewing someone’s openness as a weakness, you begin to see it as strength—the kind of strength you may struggle to show yourself.
You start to learn from it rather than retreat from it.
Love Requires Leadership
Leadership on both sides creates a healing environment.
It allows two people—even with different tendencies—to build something meaningful together.
When both people are committed to improving themselves and correcting past patterns, they create a dynamic where they bring out the best in each other.
Love requires leadership.
If we want to free ourselves from the mess of early dating, we have to take responsibility for how we show up.
We have to become the person who brings out the best in others—and then see who can rise to meet us there.
If someone can’t meet you there, they’re not for you.
The right relationship is one where both people are accountable for their patterns and willing to grow.
It’s a relationship where healing is possible because the environment supports it.
Some people will always inflame your tendencies, pushing you from a two to a ten.
But others, by the way they show up, will help bring you from a five down to a one—or even a zero.
The question is: are you that person for someone else?
Thank you for watching. Leave a comment and let me know what you thought. And if you enjoyed this video, check out the next one—I’ll see you there.
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
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