“Why don’t you get it?”
“Can’t you see what I am trying to say?”
Has your partner ever said these lines to you? Are you wondering what this is all about? Let’s analyze to understand what it means when a woman says – “You don’t get it!”
Often, in your relationship, you will have a difference of opinion. Nothing to worry about — it’s a common dilemma. Even the most successful relationships will experience this. It all stems from the frame of reference each individual has. Perception is a key factor.
Frame of Reference
As we grow up, we begin to develop our own frame of reference. All the information that we gather, all the interactions with people, all the observations of the world and all the self-analysis lead to the development of our unique perspective.
It is a cognitive function that is unique to every person in this world. Our minds are complex entities. Our opinions and decisions and experiences accumulate across our lifetimes.
So, if every person on this planet has a unique frame of reference when looking at things, how can you expect a man and woman to always have the same opinions, no matter how good their relationship is?
Many opinions might actually be similar, if not identical, among the successful couples. However, most couples often encounter situations where their opinions are different and sometimes even in stark contrast.
Once the discussion starts, people want each other to look at the topic of conversation from their point of reference and understand their own perceptions.
You might hear her saying during a disagreement – ‘Why can’t you see from my Point of View’? This basic difference is what she is referring to in her exasperation. So how can we remove this difference then?
How to “Get” What She is Saying?
Well, you must have thought about this in your mind, and said especially in front of friends,
“I don’t get what she wants” or “I don’t get what she means by that.”
Even though it’s not your fault, neither is it hers. It’s just the different frame of reference you both have. So, what to do?
Understand your Ego
Your Ego is essentially an Inertia, which keeps you from adjusting your frame of reference to move and look at things from her point of view.
Once you let go of your ego, you can transverse the frame of reference and start adjusting to her point of view. It may take time to develop this ability. But once you have let go of your ego, you are ready to follow the next step.
Communication Breakthrough
When you start communicating, you allow your frame of reference to move and adjust with hers. The more you communicate and become “attuned”, your thinking becomes fluid, allowing you to forget past prejudices and assumptions that prevented you from understanding.
It all leads to the prime goal of Communication- Understanding.
Even though her ego may have high inertia about a particular topic, your appreciation of this will make it more fluid. She will reciprocate the same process you did for her, on a separate topic, to understand you too.
Over the course of the relationship, this dance of dynamic frame of reference will create chemistry. You will no longer be confused about what she means, and she will no longer ask you why you don’t understand her.
It doesn’t seem like much of a breakthrough, but it is an age-old problem solved!
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