What So Many People Misunderstand About ‘Trauma Bonds’

You may have heard of the term “trauma bond” on TikTok. It’s quite popular, with over 633 million views on the platform. Its relevance isn’t only on TikTok, either: Google Trends shows that related phrases have been searched more often lately.

But is the explanation of it you’ve heard actually correct? Here’s a basic introduction to what trauma bonds are, a common misconception about them, and how you can break the bond.

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What you might think a trauma bond is

I’ve heard many people refer to trauma bonds as “bonding over trauma.” And that makes sense, right? You may easily connect with people who have had similar experiences as you have, and that understanding is logical given the term.

Maybe you and your partner both experienced a tragic death of a loved one or were in a car accident together. No matter the shared trauma, you feel especially tied to and comfortable with the person.

While this is a phenomenon that happens, it’s not what a trauma bond actually is.

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Trauma bonds, defined

Coined by Patrick Carnes, a trauma bond describes the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person.

Basically, it’s formed by extreme ups and downs in a relationship — a cycle of idealization and devaluation — usually instigated by an abusive person. Maybe they hit you, try to control you, or say rude things to you, then follow that up with extra affection, sex, or apologies.

Even though they’re hurting you, it’s hard to leave — and easy to make excuses for them — because the “good stuff” always comes after. You may also struggle to leave or see their behavior as problematic because they (unfairly) blame you.

Two more important things to note: The relationship may or may not start out that intensely, and trauma bonds can occur between people of any age/gender/race/etc.

The science behind trauma bonds

Those ups and downs create a chemical and hormonal bond you experience. Basically, your mind and body get used to the “high” that comes during the idealization stage and begins to crave or “need” it.

This can feel like an addiction. While someone more well-versed in science could go on and on about how this works, here’s a basic explanation:

Intense and emotional memories, similar to drugs, release dopamine in the brain — and tell your brain you need more.
Dopamine also tells your brain what will ensure your survival, encouraging you to keep getting the resource that releases the hormone.
Adrenaline and norepinephrine, two hormones that play a role in our fight-or-flight response, are released when we see our partner (or a crush). Fear also releases dopamine — which as you may know, deals with your brain’s reward system — and leads to a deeper feeling of attachment (both emotionally and physiologically).

These factors can also explain why a breakup with your toxic partner is so hard: You’re not getting those highs (from kisses, apologies, that sort of thing) after the lows (such as them being angry with you for breaking up with them).

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4 signs of trauma bonding

So how do you know you’re stuck in this? While there are many potential signs of a trauma bond, here are some:

1. You feel stuck in the relationship

You’re unhappy with parts of the relationship, or know your partner isn’t the best one for you. However, you feel like you can’t leave or that leaving them would crush you (or them). Maybe you stay with them, but you aren’t totally sure why.

2. You make excuses for your partner’s hurtful behavior

When friends and family raise concerns with how your partner treats you, you defend your partner. You may also make excuses in your own mind for why they did what they did, justifying their behavior constantly.

3. You ignore red flags or focus more on the green ones

Your partner may feel like the perfect fit for you, at least at times. You may not realize the harm in their behavior. Or, alternatively, you may be aware of how they mistreat you, but you ignore it and think about the good times you’ve had with them (again, understandable!).

4. You keep thinking your partner’s behavior will improve

You might think you can “fix” them. You may trust their apology. They might even promise they’ll go to therapy and get the help they need. But even if this “good behavior” starts, it doesn’t continue. They quit therapy, break your boundaries again, or don’t make genuine, overall progress.

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How to break a trauma bond

Unfortunately, this process is hard and takes time, so be gentle and compassionate with yourself. Here are some tips that can help:

Realize their hurtful behavior and how they’ve hurt you

Remind yourself that an explanation isn’t an excuse
Think about whether you would treat a friend this way, or if similar behaviors have happened in your healthy relationships
List out all of the times they’ve upset you, gone back on their word, seemed manipulative or untrustworthy, etc.
Read helpful books, such as “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft, as education and validation
Think about how much better a healthier relationship could be and what that might look like, including what you do (and don’t) want in a partner

Build your life and relationships outside of your partner/ex

Try that hobby you’ve always been interested in
Spend more time with friends (or make some!) or family members
Join a book club, play a recreational sport, attend a church small group, volunteer…
Try a new self-care activity (baths, walks, writing, meditation, anything positive you’d like!)
List and engage in other hobbies — reading, listening to music, watching your favorite movie, coloring, Zumba, whatever!

Get professional help

See a therapist who specializes in abusive/toxic relationships
Look into support groups at domestic violence centers
Consider seeing a psychiatrist (or getting medication through your general doctor) if needed

Note: Psychology Today’s database can help you find these providers/groups!

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The bottom line

Trauma bonds — or hormonal attachments we feel to people who abuse us — are understandable, real, and hard to beat. If you notice yourself defending your partner all the time or feeling stuck in your relationship, for example, you can handle the effects of leaving that person. Lean on your loved ones, interests, professional help, and other coping skills you need to get through. There is light at the end of this tunnel.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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