What this Self-Help Book Reminded Me About Relationships That Most People Forget

Are you more focused on the idea of the relationship or of the relationship itself?

People will put so much emphasis on the gains than what they’re investing back into it.

It’s the proverbial mindset of “taking your loved one for granted.”

And I was reminded of this a while ago when I started re-reading this popular book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephen Covey.

The point is, it not only made me think about when I neglected to invest in my partners (and what I could do next time), but I was reminded of how little most of my girlfriends failed to invest in me or the relationship.

Why do we often neglect to adequately love our partners

We often take our relationships for granted or neglect them because we assume the point of a relationship is to alleviate our feelings of loneliness or serve us in selfish ways.

Our partners can become commodities in our relentless pursuit of happiness.

Sure, the rush of dopamine and oxytocin (the love hormone) gets you “all in” at the start, but are you capable of sustaining true commitment long-term?

Or forever?

The Goose and the Golden Egg

When I started re-reading that book, I came across a section early on that I had completely forgotten about.

Covey brought up the story of The Goose and The Golden Egg.

Those who have plenty want more and so lose all they have.

In the story, a farmer discovered a goose that could lay eggs of pure gold.

Every day it would lay one gold egg. But the farmer grew impatient and killed the goose to get all the eggs.

No more eggs.

He related this story with that of his own observations in his life and family. And he developed this model.

The P/PC model

In Aesop’s story, The Goose and The Golden Egg, the golden eggs are Production (P).

As far as a relationship is concerned, Production or (P) would be the tangible benefits. Like love, sex, intimacy, connection, companionship, support, etc…

All the “good” things people normally say they want out of a relationship.

Covey then went on to describe the idea of Production Capability (PC). This is essentially how much the goose is willing to give you in return for taking care of it.

Like, in the story, if the farmer had simply kept caring for the goose by feeding and sheltering it, and treating it right, the goose would have laid gold eggs for him for its entire lifespan.

But the farmer got greedy and took it for granted. By killing the goose, he robbed himself of the benefit it provided.

I doubt most people would say they look forward to the unenjoyable parts of the relationship, this is the investment in the Production Capability.

Having crucial conversations
Being transparent and open (and risking rejection)
Practicing patience during seasons of growth or challenge
Taking personal accountability or owning up to criticism

Mutual compromise
These are essential preventative maintenance practices. But rarely are they fun. Oftentimes they’re painful.

Though, it is fair to say that in relationships (and other parts of life) P and PC aren’t so black and white.

There’s often a gray area, where the two blend together.

I mean, what’s more fun and necessary in a relationship than sex? Neglect that aspect for too long and either person is likely to feel quite agitated.

What’s also troubling to me is how people seem to think dating ends when relationships begin. This is the type of mindset that leads to complacency.

But that’s essentially saying that you don’t have to invest any more into your loved one simply because you’ve secured a partner.

Dates are not only an investment and necessary but are supposed to be enjoyable.

Essentially, I remembered that the emphasis needs to be more on the process than the rewards.

I should point this out. If you get too attached to investing into the process or the relationship, this creates imbalance.

And it saps the joy or the fun out of the relationship.

…

Subscribe to my Substack for greater depth into the psychology behind relationships, letting go, personal growth, and writing strategies.

I also write 5 to 6 articles weekly. For daily content, follow me here on Medium.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***