What to Do When Nobody Wants a Committed Relationship (According to Science)

Nobody wants long-term relationships.

Or, if you want a relationship, good luck finding it. When it’s so easy to swipe right on Tinder, who would bother to commit to a serious relationship (and lose all the fun of sleeping around)? Where do you find these people?

I found the answer in a recent study. It reads:

“High-fat individuals are perceived as more inclined towards long-term relationships.”

When compared to low-fat people, scientists found that we think fat people are more interested in long-term relationships and not one-night stands. Quite simple, right?

Except this finding goes beyond the obvious.

When you take a closer look, it explains what we expect from relationships and how we perceive ourselves and our partners.

Your perceptions aren’t real.

There’s one minor detail in the findings that changes everything. The study doesn’t say fat people actually prefer committed relationships. It says that’s how we perceive them.

But what if our perception isn’t real?

What if fat people are just as interested in one-night stands as skinny people? Or what if skinny people prefer long-term relationships over one-night stands?

Nobody teaches you to question your perception.

You create stories in your mind around stereotypes: men like sports and women like clothes. Before you say, “stereotypes are bullsh*t,” hear me out. Stereotypes help you make sense of the world. You can’t analyze each person individually (unless you don’t have a job or hobbies).

So you think athletic men want to sleep around and nerdy men don’t. But love and affection are universal human needs. Your gender, sexual orientation, and weight don’t change that. Your perception lied to you.

Everybody wants to feel loved and appreciated.

But there’s one catch about perceptions:

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Your perception shapes your actions.

Perceptions might not be real, but they’re powerful.

When you perceive reality in a certain way (whether it’s real or not), you will act accordingly. And your actions change your reality.

It’s like the toilet paper shortage at the beginning of 2020. People thought we’d run out of toilet paper, so they bought a lot. That created a shortage. Except there was no shortage before the action. This belief (although false) led to behavior that changed reality.

You may be thinking, “what does this have to do with relationships?”

Imagine you want a one-night stand, and there’s this chubby guy you like. But you think he’s more interested in long-term relationships (your perception). So you don’t go for it. What if he also wanted a one-night stand?

You never knew what he truly wanted, but your action killed your chances.

Now that you know your perceptions aren’t always real and how they shape your reality, you can use them to boost your love life.

Create your personal brand.

“I don’t care what others think of me” is bullsh*t.

You are a social being who wants to be accepted and loved. Even if you genuinely don’t care, the way others see you can create (or not) life-changing opportunities. The way people perceive you impacts your love life.

The trick is to shape how others see you.

You have to see yourself like a brand (because you are). Whether you know it or not, everything you do communicates something about you. All these little things come together to shape people’s perceptions of you.

When you know what you want for your love life (a committed relationship or a one-night stand), you can use these elements to shape your brand.

Here are the things that impact others’ perceptions of you:

Your friends. You like what is similar to you. That’s why your friends have similar interests as you. It doesn’t mean you think exactly the same, but you are similar. So people will associate you with your friends.
The places you go. Imagine two different men. One goes to nightclubs every weekend. The other goes to libraries. Which one do you think wants a committed relationship? Although it doesn’t guarantee anything, the places you go say a lot about you.
Your social media. When you meet someone, the first thing you do is check their social media. Your posts communicate who you are: do you post selfies or pictures with your family? Don’t underestimate the power of social media.
The way you dress. Your clothes have a strong purpose: communicate your style. People may perceive you as athletic, romantic, or elegant, depending on your clothes.

There are multiple elements that create your personal brand. Whether you do it consciously or not, you’re building people’s perceptions of you. So work on your brand to get what you want.

…

There’s no secret formula to finding a loving relationship (although I wish I could tell you otherwise). But one thing I can say for sure: relationships aren’t about your weight. Yes, looks matter, but relationships go beyond that.

Still, your perception is powerful.

The way others perceive you will change how they act. And the way you perceive others changes how you act. So you can choose to ignore it (and miss out on great opportunities) or use it to your advantage.

Here are the final lessons: