What to Do When Someone You’re Dating Disappears

Try it out on me: you’ve been dating this guy for almost a year. You’ve built a life, had some laughs, and possibly even shown them the kids.

And then, out of the blue, they say they’re popping into the shop to pick up a takeaway. Forty minutes later, there comes a text message: “I’m not coming home. I’m done.” That’s it, off they go.

No reason, no respect, no conversation. If this is a dream, then it is. And for Anna, the narrator of this narrative, it’s ordinary life.

When the guy you’re dating just vanishes, the rug is pulled from under you. The spin, the pain, the questions with no answers — enough to leave you doubting everything.

But this is what you need to know: although it might feel like you’ve been left in the dark, the truth is, that their vanishing is the brightest light you’ll ever receive. It’s the big reveal of who they are. And as bad as it hurts, it’s also your closure.

Let’s get into it. Anna’s tale is the best case of how you can reveal your true colors to yourself in the worst possible manner. Her boyfriend had been dating her for 11 months before he just disappeared on her without any warning, leaving her and three of her children behind.

And to top it off, he has five children of his own — children that he hardly ever sees. This, gentlemen, is a flashing red flag. If someone can’t even maintain a relationship with his or her children, that’s telling us everything about their desire to be committed to being faithful, understanding, and dependable.

The way he just vanished into thin air? Not only is it cowardly — it’s characteristic of him. He was not brave enough to confront Anna, to speak to her, or to own up to what he had done.

What did he do? The coward’s route: he fled. And then, when he does call, it isn’t to apologize, to attempt to right the wrongs — it’s to discuss the way he feels. The audacity is astounding.

That’s the hard reality: when people tell you who they are, listen. Anna’s ex demonstrated that he’s selfish, heartless, and can’t handle adversity like a grown-up. His vanishing act wasn’t rejection — it was a gift.

It taught her everything she needed to know about him. And although it doesn’t always feel like it at the moment, that’s the closure that she’s been looking for.

But enough of that. Let’s talk about you. If you have ever been dumped or ghosted by someone that you loved, then you know how it stings. You are left sitting there wondering what was wrong with you, why they did it, and if you will ever receive the answers that you seek.

Here’s the thing: you don’t need their answers. You already know everything that you need to move on.

Let’s get the blame out of the way first. It is easy to second-guess yourself and think maybe you did miss something, maybe you did miss red flags, or maybe you could have done something else.

And while it is okay to go through what you could’ve done differently in the future, it is also most importantly crucial that you be kind to yourself. The thing is, even if you noticed red flags, you couldn’t have anticipated the level of cruelty.

People like Anna’s ex are professionals at acting a facade of a false character, and it isn’t your fault that you fell for it.

All of that notwithstanding, there’s a lesson to be learned here: trust your gut. If something doesn’t feel right, don’t shake it off. If you see red flags — like a man who can’t get along with his children — listen up.

These are signs of what they’re like. And just because it isn’t your responsibility to save them, it is your responsibility to take care of yourself.

And now, moving forward. Step one is acknowledging that this person isn’t who you thought he or she was. The one you fell in love with? Fantasy.

The one who bailed? That is the true him or her. And however crappy it smells to admit it, it’s also freeing. You don’t have room in your life for someone like him or her.

Then, take care of yourself. Mending a broken heart takes time, and it is okay to do so alone. Surround yourself with people who love and support you. Leverage your friends, your loved ones, and your community.

And when things become difficult, don’t be afraid to seek help. Therapy, support groups, and even podcasts (like the Love Life podcast) can be treasure troves of information.

And lastly, remember this: you’re worth better. You’re worth someone who will respect you, who will value you, and who will have the decency to be open and honest with you.

Someone who ghosts you for absolutely no reason at all? They’re not even worth your energy, your time, or your tears.

So what do you do when a guy you’re dating just vanishes? You shake the dust off your shoulders, get up, and you recall that his behavior is reflective of him, not you.

You learn, you get up, and you move on. Because the thing is, you don’t need him anyway.

And if that still isn’t simple, recall this: they don’t provide closure. That is something you bestow upon yourself. You do not require their reason, their excuse. You already possess everything you require to move forward.

Their disappearing act? That is your closure. Their true color? That is your answer.

Now it is time to let you be happy. Because you are worthy of love, respect, and someone who’ll stick around — no matter.”.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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