What to Do When They Say No to You

Rejection can hurt like the flames of hell in your chest, seldom quelling. Whether it’s from a job interview, a social group you wished to belong or someone you like, the flames hurt no less.

Accompanying this hurt is a voice from within the fire. Unlike the one Moses heard which set him, with courage, on a task to greatness, this voice questions the essence of your existence, downplays your strengths and makes you your weakness. It is the voice of rejection in your mind telling you that you are not enough and will never be enough.

Rejection hurts.

As much as it hurts, how you react to rejection can determine if you recover from the pain or make it worse. If you sit down and sulk, you are never getting out of the misery, but if you do these five things, you can guarantee that you’ll be on your feet again in no time, ready to take on the next challenge.

1. Stay Positive

At the very moment you get that mail or that signal or even a blatant rejection, many negative thoughts will fight for space in your mind. It is vital that you immediately calm these thoughts and replace them with positive thoughts.

That voice in your head will start by asking you why. Why did you not get accepted? Then a barrage of negative thoughts and emotions will come to the fore as answers, some true, some not.

Of course, nobody believes that they receive rejections for anything good, but there is always a bit of good in disappointment. Rather than say to yourself, “I am not qualified”, “ I’m not intelligent enough”, “I’m not expressive enough”, you can positive-fy these negative thoughts by saying “I need to improve on my qualifications”, “I’ve got more to read”, “I could do more on being expressive”. You’d be amazed at what lies ahead when you maintain a positive mindset and just keep pushing.

If you’d been rejected for any inconsequential reasons, you should actually be glad. It’s their loss if anyone rejects you for any absurd reason though that doesn’t mean you’re perfect. You still need to do more to be the best you can be.

There is also a place for human choices. You’ve got to understand in life that not everyone likes the same things or looks for the same qualities in people. It took me time to understand this in my own life but it remains one of the best things I can tell you on this subject.

Everyone has got different tastes, shaped by their background, experiences and all that. So, people might not choose you, not because something is wrong with you but because you aren’t just their choice. That’s okay. It’s not such a bad thing.

You just have to find your niche in the world. Many would like you and want you. The idea that it’s got to be that one person is a lie manufactured by your fears and served to you in your mind.

If you receive a rejection note with reasons, work on those aspects of your life, if not, try to figure things out or just keep on course with what you are already doing. Either way, block out negativity and make sure you’re constantly growing.

2. Keep focus on the goal

What did you want? When you made that move for that job, or that book or that girl, what did you want?

It’s essential to remember what our initial goal was in light of fresh rejection. One or two rejections don’t exactly mean that your goals are unachievable.

I won’t be the first to tell you this; when you read about people who have made it in their field, you’d notice that they had been doing stuff and chasing goals years before they got known.

Some of the most beautiful relationships are built by partners who received multiple rejections before they found each other. As long as you have the right targets for your life, you should always work hard to stay focused on them no matter the setback or delay. They’ll come through.

3. Practice Resilience

Learn to shake things off.

As an Arsenal football club fan, I’ve had more heartbreaks from football than many have had from job interviews and stand-ups. You’re so wrong if you think this is insignificant. It’s like playing a game and you want to win but you don’t. It hurts especially when you know you should win or you have to win.

Before I turn this into the lamentations of an Arsenal FC fan, let’s get back to the subject. One phrase I’ve come to be familiar with as a football fan is “on to the next”.

What’s gone is gone unless there’s still a way to salvage something from it. You have to learn to shake things off and let things go.

Yes, you should’ve done it and you probably could have done it but it didn’t happen, learn from it and move on to the next.

So, what if that girl never liked you or that guy was only there for sex? Doesn’t change how beautiful you are or your kind heart or your ability to be committed. Someone is going to come along and appreciate all these qualities. Just make sure you hang in there and never let stuff get you so down, you can’t get right back up.

4. Take care of your mental health

As an advocate for general psychological well-being, I put this in many of my pieces. This is because I believe strongly that the main key to happiness is maintaining a healthy psychology.

Emotional and mental health brings wholeness, helps clear your eyes and mind and makes you understand what you truly want from life. As such it is important to always cater for your mental health every day. A day is usually enough to ruin it in our world today.

Rejection can mess up your mental health so fast in so little time. So after every incidence of it, you ought to make sure you care for your inward self.

5. Seek support

I always say to people who get hurt in whatever way, that being alone is just not right.

Sometimes we say “I’d prefer to be alone” at moments when we are hurting but what our heart really wants is to be with at least one person who understands us. Just one person at least that we can rant to, cry on or just talk with.

Don’t shut the door. Seek support in times like this. Talk to someone understanding, empathetic and kind. They can help you make sense of things, why and how you can move on from the pain.

Asking for help is never a sign of weakness. It’s one of the bravest things you can do. And it can save your life — Lily Collins

Progress is essential and rejection is inevitable along the way but the mind that uses it as fuel will open more doors than were shut. These five practices will help you take on any NO! like it’s a YES!

Best wishes.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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