The purpose of dating is to know someone well before committing to them. As you interact with the other person, you filter your prospects, so paying attention to what you discuss on the initial dates becomes crucial. You do not want to wrongly reject someone who could have been an amazing partner simply because you focused on the wrong aspects of them.
SOLUTION: It depends on your purpose to date:
Begin with clarity of your purpose. For example, are you looking for a long-term, stable partnership or casual fun?
CASUAL
Talking about each other’s interests will make sense if you are casually dating for pleasure. This will enable you to assess whether spending more time with this person seems like it might be worthwhile. For instance, it might not be a good idea to go on with this individual if you know they enjoy reading but you do not. However, if you know that your date enjoys staying active and you share that desire, you can arrange to go rock climbing or cycling together.
The activities that I mentioned above are just examples. The point that I am trying to make is that if you are looking for a partner to hang out and have fun with, find someone who shares some interests with you, and if not, are you both up for exploring each other’s interests? Honestly, I have seen the latter rarely happen when the dating intention is casual fun. So this is the thought process: Who wants to put in the extra effort? Find someone equally fun, and we are good to go!
SERIOUS
But if you are dating to find a stable, long-term partnership, talking about the other person’s beliefs, mindset, and personality would be a good idea. How to do that? Here are some questions:
Do they love what they do professionally?
Most people choose careers that do not fulfill them, and there are high chances that their work-life frustration carries forward to their personal lives. You do not want that for yourself. Instead, you want to find someone who knows how to separate their personal and professional lives. This does not mean that the other person is not allowed to talk about their work, but it means that your relationship does not become their emotional dump.
What has been their past relationship like? How did they react to fallout, if any?
We all grow up and lose relationships that we thought we would cherish forever. But what matters is how we deal with that emotional baggage. Unfortunately, most people never sit through it and resolve their emotions. That becomes problematic for future relationships because we might get triggered over things and have trust issues.
You want to be with someone who has resolved their past, healed from it, and are ready to begin a new chapter without drawing references from the previous ones. Also, please pay attention to how they talk about their fallout. Do they constantly bad-mouth the other person or talk about the learnings from that experience?
How do they deal with hardships and uncertain times?
I believe that a person’s true character is not revealed during good times but rather during hard times. You want someone who can hold themselves together and face the challenges that life inevitably throws at everyone.
There can certainly be more questions. However, these were the ones that I focus on; you can create your own depending on what you want to know about the other person!
BOTTOMLINE
Do not approach the conversation randomly. Instead, have a purpose in mind. And remember the rule: Purpose must decide conversation!
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If you have any questions, hit me up: [email protected]
Thanks for reading.
Check out my other pieces on relationships and life here: Bhanu Singhal
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com
