What We Needed to Survive Is Not What We Need to Thrive

Or, is your brain a computer, a muscle, or….a magpie?

All too often targets of narcissistic abuse blame themselves (or are blamed) for their own behavior. “Why, oh why did I put up with that?” “Why didn’t I leave sooner?” “Why didn’t I stand up for myself?” And they often ask themselves the fundamental question, “What’s wrong with me?”

My answer to this is, of course, NOTHING! Nothing is wrong with you. You are an exquisitely designed human being who was perfectly formed by and for the environment you grew up in.*

As Annie Murphy Paul says in her powerful book The Extended Mind, our brains are often likened to computers or muscles, but in reality, may actually be most like magpies. Why is this? Magpies are known for building their nests from whatever materials are around them. If there are twigs and grass available, they’ll use those. If they live in urban environments, they might use wires or plastic. Whatever there is, they use it. (In South Korea, magpies like to build their nests on top of electrical poles. Because the nests often include wires, this can cause electrical outages and huge problems.)

In a similar way, our brains construct themselves from our environments, very much influenced by what is around us and what is needed for our survival in that system. And that which we “wire in” early in life tends to pretty much shape our thoughts and actions going forward. Thus, if what was needed for your survival in your family was to be the accommodating one who didn’t need anything, your small person’s brain adapted to that. If the only way to get approval was to care for others, you most likely learned to do this very well.

And so it’s often not a surprise that those of us who learned early in life to put ourselves second (or last), are well-adapted for narcissistic abuse. But the good news is that the evidence is we can actually rebuild our brains through the process of neuroplasticity. But how do we create new patterns, ones that will help us thrive? I like to think of the Three R’s of neuroplasticity:

ONE: Recognition. We first need to identify the pattern that is not working. This may come through journaling, coaching, therapy, meditation, some other exploration on your healing journey, or even simply spontaneous insight. I like to use the metaphor of a “mall map.” In order to get to where you want to go, you first need to know where you are.

TWO: Rewiring. Once we know where we are in terms of recognizing our survival pattern, the next step is intentional “rewiring.” This means clarifying what the thriving beliefs, actions, and internal voice would be. Again, coaching or therapy can be very helpful here.

THREE: Repetition. But since rewiring the brain doesn’t happen with simply an insight or an intention, this step is a critical part of the process. We have to keep practicing the new pattern, both through thought and action, as well as staying aware of when the old pattern is activated (and not giving up). Support from professionals can be helpful, as well as being part of healthy friendships and supportive communities.

The good news is that our lovely magpie brains are highly adaptable, and when we give them healthy building materials, they can move from the kind of wiring that enabled us to survive to that which will help us thrive.

* I don’t mean to assert that the only reason people end up with narcissists is early-childhood “wiring,” just that it tends to be a common pattern.

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This post was previously published on butnowiknowyourname.wordpress.com and is republished on Medium.

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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:

White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism

Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box

The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer

What We Talk About When We Talk About Men

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